As I'd mentioned in a previous post or two, my 15th and final full-brain radiation zap was Monday (Memorial Day) morning. I suppose I notice MODEST improvement in the way I feel, but I'm still FAR from being 100% myself. I'm at work today (still light duty only), so that's a good sign, but I find I still need to take rest breaks rather frequently. It takes NOTHING to make me tired. Yesterday evening the Mr. and I went to the grocery store. It wasn't a particularly long trip, but by the time we made it to the checkout, all I could think about was getting home, removing my wig, and plopping down on the sofa.
I slept well last night, but that didn't stop me from cussing the alarm clock when it sounded at 6:30 this morning. But I quickly stopped my cussing and said, "Hey, my eyes are open, and I'm breathing. It's a win!"
I know radiation keeps doing its thing even once the actual zaps have stopped. I know the side effects (fatigue, in particular) can linger. I know that, for many people, radiation is harder than any other component of cancer treatment. I realize my last zap wasn't even a week ago. But damn - will I ever feel like myself again? Right now, my greatest fear is that I won't. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of saying, "I'm tired."
I'm grateful that I feel well enough to still get out and about and do 'regular ' things, albeit on a limited basis. I suppose I'm still in a bit of denial of my 'new normal.' Yesterday my thoughts drifted to my pre-c life, which doesn't do me any good. Things were so perfect, yet I didn't realize it. The stupid shiz I worried and/or complained about in those days - goodness, how silly I was! How innocent, how naive, how foolish! I remember 'expecting' to live to at least 92, no question. On June 18th I'll turn 43 (Universe willing!). Now making it to 44 or 45 feels like I'm asking / expecting too much. I try not to "go there," but sometimes that's where the thoughts meander to before I can stop them.
Okay, enough boo-hooing - drying the tears, slapping on a smile, enjoying a lovely latte, and reminding myself to focus on, and be thankful for, the good stuff in my life.