I've got my 15th and final zap tomorrow morning, and part of me is wondering, "Is this last one really necessary?" This morning I woke up with a bit of a headache which, admittedly, I've basically been spared until this point. My head still feels disconnected from my body, and by the way my hands feel (functional, but I can tell my motor skills are off), I'm quite certain the hemorrhaging is ongoing (as the neurosurgeon indicated could happen - and there's really nothing to be done. Have to wait for the body to reabsorb the blood.)
I'm having to work extra hard today at moving forward. When I don't feel so great, it's hard to imagine I'll ever get out of the proverbial weeds. I was struck with a panicky thought earlier: what if the radiation is killing me? I know that's just fear and anxiety talking, as many a folk have endured more than I have, and are alive and well BECAUSE of radiation. Right? Oh, I'm trying to pull myself out of this funk, but I'm having a 'scared' day. I just want to feel better. This disconnected, out-of-body sensation is unnerving.
But I'm here. And I'm immensely thankful for that. I'm not going anywhere. Not like this, and not today!