41 Today.... Happy, Depressed & a bit Lost

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Sharon Brent
Posts: 288
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2014 5:19 am
Location: London England

41 Today.... Happy, Depressed & a bit Lost

Postby Sharon Brent » Thu May 25, 2017 7:03 pm

Hi everyone,
I'm Going to have a bit of a moan..... Sorry
So I'm 41 today and it's the hardest Birthday of my life, as the time goes by since I lost my Dearest Husband to Colon Cancer in 2014 the heartache seems to grow stronger.
The more my beautiful girls grow and mature it saddens me that my Husband can't see them, every achievement and success they have has a bitter taste that's makes me feel guilty that I am seeing this alone.
As time goes by things are meant to get easier but it doesn't seem to be happening, the children's lives move on and they are growing fast but their memories of their Papa are fading and it's breaking my heart.
I don't know if it would be better that he was here and I was gone because I don't know if I can raise them well enough without him.
I'm in confusion and everything is like a dream, I just wish he was here.
I know that many of you are suffering much worse than I but as my CC Family you guys have always been there and I just wanted to share and try and lighten the burden.
I wish you all of you the best no matter what the journey ahead has in store for you.
Keep strong and never give up hope, I'm trying to do exactly that.
Love always and God Bless
DH, 47yo, Dx Stg IV, mCRC, lvr, lng 1/14, Tx Capeciabine 9 rnds
Children 5 & 1
DH 48th Birthday 6 November in Hospital
Home palliative care on 12 November 2014
Called back to Jesus 4pm 15 November 2014
Life Celebration in Nigeria 8 January 2015

JudeD59
Posts: 726
Joined: Sun Apr 12, 2015 12:16 pm

Re: 41 Today.... Happy, Depressed & a bit Lost

Postby JudeD59 » Thu May 25, 2017 7:35 pm

I'm sorry for everything you have gone through and are still going through. I can't begin to imagine how hard it's been. Just know that we are here for you whatever you need. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Judy
56 yrs old, wife, mother to 4 daughters
RC Stage II T3N0M0 DX April 2, 2015
6 cm. mid-rectum-CEA 121
Xeloda and radiation finished 06/15/15- CEA 242
CEA right before surgery 81
LAR performed 8/12/15 Temporary ileostomy
CEA 10-21-15 1.6
PET scan 11-4-15 All clear
Port installed 11/11/15
Folfox started 11/18/15
Folfox stopped due to bad reaction
Reversal 2/17/16
CEA 2/3/16 1.7
CEA 3/31/16 1.3
CT Scan 4/12/16 All Clear
Port removed 4/21/16
CEA 5/24/17 1.4

peanut_8
Posts: 2340
Joined: Sun May 25, 2014 1:31 pm

Re: 41 Today.... Happy, Depressed & a bit Lost

Postby peanut_8 » Thu May 25, 2017 8:02 pm

Happy Birthday Sharon. So sorry it isn't a good one.

Glad to hear your girls are doing so well, butt not glad about your struggling.

Don't know what to do to help, butt I do have a few ideas.

Is it possible for you to return to Nigeria this summer when the girls are out of school? Spending time with their Dad's extended family could refresh their memory of him. Don't know if that's possible for you, just a thought.

Is there anyone close that you can talk to? Maybe even a trained professional? You should never feel guilty that you're there and he's not.

never never never

You're a wonderful Mother, and you love your girls. That's the most important thing.

love
peanut
female, diagnosed Jan 14, RC stage 2a, age 56
MSS
April 14, 28 chemo/rad with Xeloda
June 14 adjuvant Xeloda 6 rounds
currently NED

bitchslapped
Posts: 1538
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2014 3:23 pm
Location: PNW/USA

Re: 41 Today.... Happy, Depressed & a bit Lost

Postby bitchslapped » Fri May 26, 2017 12:54 pm

Hi Sharon, Sending good birthday wishes your way. It's a good reason to eat cake!
I think what you are feeling is a normal part of grief. Experienced the guilt myself in regard to my grandson who is actually my step grandson. Felt my DH should be the one to experience the love & joy of his grandchild. But who am I to choose who goes & who stays? So I made it a point to share stories of his grandpa when he was/is here w/me & gave him things of his grandpa's. It took time, but have accepted that I deserve to experience the joy of a grandparent & that my grandson deserves to know the bond that a loving grandmother can bring.
Different situation for you of course than w/your children & you are together every day. The kids should be able to move on & be happy kids, not reminded all the time of what they don't have IMO, so I hope you let go of that guilt. You are a blessing to them. However, a happier mom, more content mom is a better one. So turn that frown upside down into a smile :) Whatever little tidbits you can do for you that bring snippets of pleasure, try to work it into your life moving forward. It can be a lonesome, long road if you don't think of yourself as well. It will benefit the girls in the long run. A happier mom is a better mom. There's a saying over here in the States: "When Momma's not happy, nobody's happy!"
It's not easy, this grief process, but incumbent upon us moms to take steps, however small, to keep the household in good shape. You've got a lot of responsibility to be sure & one can't "just snap out of grief", but we can try baby steps. Each baby step is a win. Do some things for yourself, whether occasional adult activities you may enjoy or grief counseling as peanut mentioned...or both.

Best Wishes
BS
DSS,35YO,unresect mCRC DX 7/'14,lvr,LN,peri,rib
FOLFOX+Avstn 4 Rnds d/c 10/'14
Stent 9/'14
FOLFIRI+Avstn 10/'14
Gone From My Sight 2/20/15
Me:garden variety polyps + precancerous polyp, diverticulitis
Carergver x2 DH,DM dbl occupancy,'03-'10
DH dx 47YO mCRC,'04-'07, lvr, billiary tree fried x HAI
DM dx CC 85YO,CC,CHF,stroke,dementia,aphasia

DarknessEmbraced
Posts: 3816
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:54 pm
Facebook Username: Riann Fletcher
Location: New Brunswick, Canada

Re: 41 Today.... Happy, Depressed & a bit Lost

Postby DarknessEmbraced » Fri May 26, 2017 5:03 pm

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time!*hugs* Sending hugs!
Diagnosed 10/28/14, age 36
Colon Resection 11/20/14, LAR (no illeo)
Stage 2a colon cancer, T3NOMO
Lymph-vascular invasion undetermined
0/22 lymph nodes
No chemo, no radiation
Clear Colonoscopy 04/29/15
NED 10/20/15
Ischemic Colitis 01/21/16
NED 11/10/16
CT Scan moved up due to high CEA 08/21/17
NED 09/25/17
NED 12/21/18
Clear colonoscopy 09/23/19
Clear 5 year scans 11/21/19- Considered cured! :)

Lee
Posts: 6207
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: 41 Today.... Happy, Depressed & a bit Lost

Postby Lee » Fri May 26, 2017 5:42 pm

Hi Sharon,

Thinking of you, happy birthday. I feel your pain.

Love your kids.

One day at a time,

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 16 years and counting!


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