My husband & I met with my onc this morning. So glad my hubby was there with me, as my head is really fuzzy from the radiation.
Basically, they're going to send my path reports, etc. to MDAnderson to see if there's anything there that's unique & special. (Will do genomic testing to help determine next course of Tx.) That being said, it kind of sounds like my onc expects that I'll be doing the 'standard' FOLFIRI + Avastin, starting sometime in June. My last radiation Tx will be Monday and he indicated we can use these next few weeks to give my body a chance to recuperate from radiation AND get our ducks in a row as to what is next. I have my port placement surgery scheduled (June 9th), a week & 2 days prior to my 43rd birthday. Happy Birthday to me, right?
I knew that chemo was in my future, and that radiation wasn't the 'last step' in this process, it's just that having it laid out and discussed makes it more real, and daunting. I'm trying to bolster myself, saying, "Hey, you've been through chemo before - this ain't your first rodeo. You can do this." Of course I'm scared - even though it doesn't sound like the side effects are plentiful and/or harsh. It's just the unknown. But then I think, "What choice do I have? I won't quit!" I'm still (relatively) young, in otherwise excellent health, and am still full of piss & vinegar, as I like to say.
But, fuck me - I HATE the idea of chemo (who doesn't, right?) I know cancer, even Stage IV, isn't what it "used" to be. Still, it's daunting. My husband reminds me to take each day as it comes, and not to try to look at the WHOLE mountain at once, but one step at a time. I know once I'm done with radiation, and my head no longer feels like it's hovering over my body, unattached , I'll be more "myself" and I'll be better equipped to get my head in the game. It's just that today, right now, I feel . . . fussy. And a little unhinged. And so very, very tired.
Overall, I'm good. I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere - not like this, and not today!!!