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Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 7:08 pm
by Sharon Brent
Ok so this is a bit of a vent....
So Golden my DH died 2 years 4 months ago today but in my mind it still feels like yesterday and my Love for him has not lessened at all, in fact I seem to Love him more.
I keep asking myself, Why are people around me so eager for me to move on and find a F@#king boyfriend or have a man in my life, don't they understand or are they Dumb???!!!!
I can just about pay my bills keep working two jobs and look after my Girls why the Hell would a want a man in my life to bring more headache and relationship Drama.
It's really confusing why people keep asking
Have you got a boyfriend
Have you been dating
Don't you feel lonely
Am I mad? Or are they just Stupid and have no concept of what a loss I have suffered.
Or should I be dating by now...?
No, no, no, they are just Dumb! :)
I think I need new friends....

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:05 pm
by WarriorSpouse
Do not allow these folks to get you down. You are the boss of you; and you are doing the things that make you feel good such as raising your kids. No apology needed or explanation to friends. One day at a time and you will lead by example to others who witness your recovery from your loss. Your friends may not understand your recent trauma and may not know what to say. Lead the conversation to what is important to you. Kids are a great place to start. Everyone like kids and there is a common thread for everyone to focus on.

You are in control. Vent when necessary and we will be here for you:)

I am sorry for your loss.
WS

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:22 pm
by Lee
Sharon Brent wrote: . . . Or are they just Stupid and have no concept of what a loss I have suffered.
.


BINGO! They have not walked in your shoes and have NO idea what you are going thorough. I lost my dad early in life (12 yrs old, Vietnam war), it would be 5 YEARS before I could even say the words. And many times (during those 5 yrs), all I said, he's not here right now. How I got by (during those 5 yrs) was by accepting the fact that he was not there, butt death was more than I could accept. We all mourn at our own pace. NEVER let someone tell you when you should move on. You will do that when YOU are ready. It would be many more years for my mother, at 2yrs the pain is very RAW!

This is for your girls, a friend of mine who also lost her dad early in life. She said accepting the death of a parent, is accepting the fact that your childhood just ended. That comment is so true. The pain, the loss, everything that says things are not normal and will never be the same, will impact them. This does not mean they will grow up bad or wrong, it just means there life is now different from there friends, and they will have to grow up fast in some respect. And they will be slower in other aspects simply because they are "numb" for a lack of a better word. I always felt I was a few years behind my friends. Butt make no mistake, I would go off to college and I would marry a guy and we are still married today. As would my friend. Not bad, some of my friends were married 2 times, one was married and divorce 4x.

Counseling is always a good idea, and yes, sometimes finding new and different friends is good, especially someone who has walked in your shoes.

(((Sharon))) so sorry you are dealing with this.

Lee

Edited to add this. I grew up in mostly a smaller town, we lost our dad. Another women with 2 kids would lose her husband 6 months prior to my dad's death. Everyone thought my mother and her should get together simply because they both experienced a loss and had a lot in common. Both my mom this women both decided they would NOT want to meet each other. 3-4 yrs later, they would meet at a get together. They both decided to make small talk, would find out they both had this "crazy sense of humor" and would become fast friends. Is it because they both lost a mate or because of who they were "long before they got married", nobody knows. Butt they would support in each other through the years and would have a friendship that would last a last a life time for them both.

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:06 pm
by Lee
Sorry Sharon,

You've got me thinking about "that time" in my life. I was a senior in high school and my brother was a junior in high school. I was asleep in bed, knew Mom was out. My brother came home later, assumed BOTH mom and I were a sleep. NO my mom was NOT dating during this time (5 yrs after his death), butt an old high school buddy was in town, knew both my parents, wanted to catch up on old times, knew of dad's death. He and mom went out for a few drinks. It was not late, butt he and my mother were entering the house. When this man entered, he encounter my bro with a long shotgun from above pointing directly at him. Dear brother heard what he thought was an intruder, and being the "man of the house" was doing his job. Was taught at an early age how to handle a gun. Anyway, the man was great, stepped back, told my mom the situation and let mom enter 1st. Drear bro backed off, said "sorry mom, thought it was an intrude"r, and went to bed. I believe the that man and mom had a good laugh. Times were different in Montana than there they are today. I remember THEN when high school kids drove to school with pick up trucks with loaded guns on the back rack of the truck. Not possible today.

Why this past incident, go with the flo in what ever direction life may bring you. My bro is a VERY successful financial advisor today. Worked on Wall Street for many years before going out on his own.

Lee

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:49 pm
by Maggie Nell
Sharon Brent wrote:
Am I mad? Or are they just Stupid and have no concept of what a loss I have suffered.
Or should I be dating by now...?
No, no, no, they are just Dumb! :)
I think I need new friends....



Remember when you were in your teens and the questions were:

Have you got a boyfriend?
Have you been dating?
You dont want to be left on the shelf!


Then you snagged a boyfriend and the questions were:

So...when are you two lovebirds getting married?
Have you set the date yet?


Then you snagged another boyfriend and the questions were:

Say, whatever happend to Tom/Dick/Harry?
Oh, I just can't keep up. You young people...what's his name again, dear?


Then you got married and the questions were:

When are you going to start a family?
You better not leave it too late...tick tock tick tock.


Then you had your first child and the questions were:

When you going to have another one?


You could get medieval and ask in a loud voice "OH HI!! TELL ME, HAS THAT RASH ON YOUR GENITALS CLEARED UP YET?"

Best cure I know for unwelcome questions. :evil:

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2017 12:00 am
by Lee
Maggie Nell wrote:You could get medieval and ask in a loud voice "OH HI!! TELL ME, HAS THAT RASH ON YOUR GENITALS CLEARED UP YET?"
Best cure I know for unwelcome questions. :evil:


Gee I tried to answer her from personal experience and you had the BEST answer in you back pocket, PERFECT :mrgreen:

Loved it,

Lee

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:58 am
by Sharon Brent
Thanks Warriorspouse, Lee and Maggie, I Really appreciate your replies.

Lee thank you for sharing your memories it puts a prospective on things, your right my Girls are really mature for their age, like they have lost part of their childhood, we chat about a lot of things even my 4 year old, but then there are times they revert back to almost babies, my 8 year old came to me very distressed and crying yesterday when we were in the park, I thought something awful had happen as she was so upset.... Turns out that her Stick had broken and now she couldn't play Minecraft.

Maggie, what you said about people asking questions all the time it's like no matter what everyone still expects more or there must be certain steps to follow to be happy, I will definitely be asking people about their rashes as that will shut them up.

Thanks again

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Wed Mar 15, 2017 11:59 am
by PainInTheAss
Yes, they are stupid but probably mean well (whatever that means). They just aren't thinking.

I have found that one of the best ways to expose stupidity is to confront it in a subtle, non combative way, like:

"How were you expecting that question/comment/advice to make me feel?" This usually stops them in their tracks and makes them think about what they said from your perspective instead of theirs. Sometimes, that is all it takes.

Other times, you have to continue with more questions like, "Why would you think it would make me feel that way?" Etc. You can be more assertive by simply saying, "Please don't ever ask me that again. It isn't helping"

I lost my mother to suicide when I was 13, and have heard all kinds of insensitive things. It makes you become private because you can't trust how someone might trample over your feelings. I have learned to protect myself from others' ignorance by not sharing things with just anybody (not that you're doing that). People just have no idea what you are going though unless they have experienced something similar.

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:17 pm
by TXLiz
My grandfather died of a massive stroke, and my grandma lived for 35 years after, never had a boyfriend, never remarried, said grandpa was the only one for her. She was always active and happy.

I personally don't know how one could move on just a few years after the death of a spouse.

Ignore them all.

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:42 pm
by recruiter
My story is a different subject, the loss last May of my Mom as my treatment was kicking off, but equally insensitive.

About a month ago, a former work colleague sat down as I was eating lunch alone in a restaurant and angrily informed me, "I lost my Mom when she was 35. Your Mom was elderly. You don't have the right to grieve the loss of an elderly parent."

My reply: "Number one, Mike, grief is not a zero sum game, although given your superficial, self-absorbed nature, I'm not surprised you would think so.

"Number two: I didn't ask you to sit down with me, so leave. Or I'll ask the restaurant manager to help you."

I think we just live in a time when people feel emboldened to be jerks.

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:58 pm
by TXLiz
recruiter wrote:My story is a different subject, the loss last May of my Mom as my treatment was kicking off, but equally insensitive.

About a month ago, a former work colleague sat down as I was eating lunch alone in a restaurant and angrily informed me, "I lost my Mom when she was 35. Your Mom was elderly. You don't have the right to grieve the loss of an elderly parent."

My reply: "Number one, Mike, grief is not a zero sum game, although given your superficial, self-absorbed nature, I'm not surprised you would think so.

"Number two: I didn't ask you to sit down with me, so leave. Or I'll ask the restaurant manager to help you."

I think we just live in a time when people feel emboldened to be jerks.



Ugh. Agreed.

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Thu Mar 16, 2017 8:22 pm
by Lee
recruiter wrote:I think we just live in a time when people feel emboldened to be jerks.


I couldn't agree more. So sorry this happened to you. That guy was real jerks.

I remember once in college, can't remember what class, butt the teacher was talking about her sister's divorce (venting actually) and how it was effecting the kids. I remember telling her at least those kids will still get to see their dad after the divorce. She shot back that I was the lucky one compared to what those kids were going through. With my dad, it was permanent, accept it and move on. End of story. Butt with these kids they have to live with the pain every time they see their dad.

OK :shock: . Realized this teacher was CLUELESS and I was done.

What is that expression, "You Can't Fix Stupid".

Lee

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:33 am
by CRguy
Don't know if I can, OR should go to the " girl / guy " thing here ..... :?:
wife in background saying ..."yes, you are a smart man !!! " :shock: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

SO I will go to the REAL effin' LIFE, no bullshit, CR in yo' face THING here .... :twisted:
My rules to live by .. ALWAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. CAN'T cure STUPID !

2. DON'T let small minded assholes drag you down to their level.

3. LIFE is too short to cavort with BUTT HEADS !!!! :twisted:

4. DON'T make your effin' stupid UckFUP... MY emergency.

5. IF I wanted your opinion .. I woulda' ASKED.

6. Talk to the hand and LOSE MY NUMBER !

7. people treat you .. the way you let them, AND you ain't treatin' ME that way asshole !
8. CRguy is on your side ... refer all assholes to ME ...... Image

YEAH .... OK I have only a few GREAT friends ... BUTT NO MORE assholes in my life ...

WORD !!!!! sista'
call me for backup :!:

Harmony
CRguy

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:32 pm
by Sharon Brent
CR Guy, you are my hero,

I need to get those 8 steps printed on a T-Shirt, I'm laughing so much
Can I please add

9. Common Sense is by no means common at all... You are proof of that

Thanks everyone, it gives me strength to know that most people who have not experienced what we are going through, do not need to understand us, and we in turn are better off without their opinions or being anywhere near us.

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Posted: Sun Mar 19, 2017 5:35 pm
by CRguy
WELL !!!

you are probably a much nicer person than I .....
BUTT feel free to add / modify / legitimize and enshrine any and all of these one-liners
in any way you see fit !

Cheers sista'
gotchur back :mrgreen:
CR on the Journey