Why are some people so insensitive?

Please feel free to read, share your thoughts, your stories and connect with others!
User avatar
Sharon Brent
Posts: 273
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2014 5:19 am
Location: London England

Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby Sharon Brent » Tue Mar 14, 2017 7:08 pm

Ok so this is a bit of a vent....
So Golden my DH died 2 years 4 months ago today but in my mind it still feels like yesterday and my Love for him has not lessened at all, in fact I seem to Love him more.
I keep asking myself, Why are people around me so eager for me to move on and find a F@#king boyfriend or have a man in my life, don't they understand or are they Dumb???!!!!
I can just about pay my bills keep working two jobs and look after my Girls why the Hell would a want a man in my life to bring more headache and relationship Drama.
It's really confusing why people keep asking
Have you got a boyfriend
Have you been dating
Don't you feel lonely
Am I mad? Or are they just Stupid and have no concept of what a loss I have suffered.
Or should I be dating by now...?
No, no, no, they are just Dumb! :)
I think I need new friends....
DH, 47yo, Dx Stg IV, mCRC, lvr, lng 1/14, Tx Capeciabine 9 rnds
Children 5 & 1
DH 48th Birthday 6 November in Hospital
Home palliative care on 12 November 2014
Called back to Jesus 4pm 15 November 2014
Life Celebration in Nigeria 8 January 2015

WarriorSpouse
Posts: 45
Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:02 pm

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby WarriorSpouse » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:05 pm

Do not allow these folks to get you down. You are the boss of you; and you are doing the things that make you feel good such as raising your kids. No apology needed or explanation to friends. One day at a time and you will lead by example to others who witness your recovery from your loss. Your friends may not understand your recent trauma and may not know what to say. Lead the conversation to what is important to you. Kids are a great place to start. Everyone like kids and there is a common thread for everyone to focus on.

You are in control. Vent when necessary and we will be here for you:)

I am sorry for your loss.
WS
Spouse of wife 47 years old
10/2014, Stage IV Metastatic CC
Lymph node involvement 12/15, w/ positive PET on para-aortic lymph nodes.
5 cm sigmoid tumor resection as well as positive Virchow lymph node.
KRAS mut, Highly Differentiated, Lynch Negative
Folfox and Avastin 1 YR (Oxi for 5 months) NED 05/2015
Zeloda and Avastin since 01/2016
Chemo break 03/2017, back on Zeloda and Avastin 04/2017.

"...Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other."
-Walter Elliot

Lee
Posts: 4708
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby Lee » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:22 pm

Sharon Brent wrote: . . . Or are they just Stupid and have no concept of what a loss I have suffered.
.


BINGO! They have not walked in your shoes and have NO idea what you are going thorough. I lost my dad early in life (12 yrs old, Vietnam war), it would be 5 YEARS before I could even say the words. And many times (during those 5 yrs), all I said, he's not here right now. How I got by (during those 5 yrs) was by accepting the fact that he was not there, butt death was more than I could accept. We all mourn at our own pace. NEVER let someone tell you when you should move on. You will do that when YOU are ready. It would be many more years for my mother, at 2yrs the pain is very RAW!

This is for your girls, a friend of mine who also lost her dad early in life. She said accepting the death of a parent, is accepting the fact that your childhood just ended. That comment is so true. The pain, the loss, everything that says things are not normal and will never be the same, will impact them. This does not mean they will grow up bad or wrong, it just means there life is now different from there friends, and they will have to grow up fast in some respect. And they will be slower in other aspects simply because they are "numb" for a lack of a better word. I always felt I was a few years behind my friends. Butt make no mistake, I would go off to college and I would marry a guy and we are still married today. As would my friend. Not bad, some of my friends were married 2 times, one was married and divorce 4x.

Counseling is always a good idea, and yes, sometimes finding new and different friends is good, especially someone who has walked in your shoes.

(((Sharon))) so sorry you are dealing with this.

Lee

Edited to add this. I grew up in mostly a smaller town, we lost our dad. Another women with 2 kids would lose her husband 6 months prior to my dad's death. Everyone thought my mother and her should get together simply because they both experienced a loss and had a lot in common. Both my mom this women both decided they would NOT want to meet each other. 3-4 yrs later, they would meet at a get together. They both decided to make small talk, would find out they both had this "crazy sense of humor" and would become fast friends. Is it because they both lost a mate or because of who they were "long before they got married", nobody knows. Butt they would support in each other through the years and would have a friendship that would last a last a life time for them both.
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 10 years and counting!

Lee
Posts: 4708
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby Lee » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:06 pm

Sorry Sharon,

You've got me thinking about "that time" in my life. I was a senior in high school and my brother was a junior in high school. I was asleep in bed, knew Mom was out. My brother came home later, assumed BOTH mom and I were a sleep. NO my mom was NOT dating during this time (5 yrs after his death), butt an old high school buddy was in town, knew both my parents, wanted to catch up on old times, knew of dad's death. He and mom went out for a few drinks. It was not late, butt he and my mother were entering the house. When this man entered, he encounter my bro with a long shotgun from above pointing directly at him. Dear brother heard what he thought was an intruder, and being the "man of the house" was doing his job. Was taught at an early age how to handle a gun. Anyway, the man was great, stepped back, told my mom the situation and let mom enter 1st. Drear bro backed off, said "sorry mom, thought it was an intrude"r, and went to bed. I believe the that man and mom had a good laugh. Times were different in Montana than there they are today. I remember THEN when high school kids drove to school with pick up trucks with loaded guns on the back rack of the truck. Not possible today.

Why this past incident, go with the flo in what ever direction life may bring you. My bro is a VERY successful financial advisor today. Worked on Wall Street for many years before going out on his own.

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 10 years and counting!

User avatar
Maggie Nell
Posts: 536
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 1:57 am
Facebook Username: maggie nell
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby Maggie Nell » Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:49 pm

Sharon Brent wrote:
Am I mad? Or are they just Stupid and have no concept of what a loss I have suffered.
Or should I be dating by now...?
No, no, no, they are just Dumb! :)
I think I need new friends....



Remember when you were in your teens and the questions were:

Have you got a boyfriend?
Have you been dating?
You dont want to be left on the shelf!


Then you snagged a boyfriend and the questions were:

So...when are you two lovebirds getting married?
Have you set the date yet?


Then you snagged another boyfriend and the questions were:

Say, whatever happend to Tom/Dick/Harry?
Oh, I just can't keep up. You young people...what's his name again, dear?


Then you got married and the questions were:

When are you going to start a family?
You better not leave it too late...tick tock tick tock.


Then you had your first child and the questions were:

When you going to have another one?


You could get medieval and ask in a loud voice "OH HI!! TELL ME, HAS THAT RASH ON YOUR GENITALS CLEARED UP YET?"

Best cure I know for unwelcome questions. :evil:
DX April 2015, @ 54
35mm poorly diff. tumour found upon emergency r. hemicolectomy
for ileo-colic intussusception.
Lymph nodes: 0/22
T3 N0 MX
deranged LFTs April 2017

Lee
Posts: 4708
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby Lee » Wed Mar 15, 2017 12:00 am

Maggie Nell wrote:You could get medieval and ask in a loud voice "OH HI!! TELL ME, HAS THAT RASH ON YOUR GENITALS CLEARED UP YET?"
Best cure I know for unwelcome questions. :evil:


Gee I tried to answer her from personal experience and you had the BEST answer in you back pocket, PERFECT :mrgreen:

Loved it,

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 10 years and counting!

User avatar
Sharon Brent
Posts: 273
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2014 5:19 am
Location: London England

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby Sharon Brent » Wed Mar 15, 2017 2:58 am

Thanks Warriorspouse, Lee and Maggie, I Really appreciate your replies.

Lee thank you for sharing your memories it puts a prospective on things, your right my Girls are really mature for their age, like they have lost part of their childhood, we chat about a lot of things even my 4 year old, but then there are times they revert back to almost babies, my 8 year old came to me very distressed and crying yesterday when we were in the park, I thought something awful had happen as she was so upset.... Turns out that her Stick had broken and now she couldn't play Minecraft.

Maggie, what you said about people asking questions all the time it's like no matter what everyone still expects more or there must be certain steps to follow to be happy, I will definitely be asking people about their rashes as that will shut them up.

Thanks again
Last edited by Sharon Brent on Wed Mar 15, 2017 1:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
DH, 47yo, Dx Stg IV, mCRC, lvr, lng 1/14, Tx Capeciabine 9 rnds
Children 5 & 1
DH 48th Birthday 6 November in Hospital
Home palliative care on 12 November 2014
Called back to Jesus 4pm 15 November 2014
Life Celebration in Nigeria 8 January 2015

PainInTheAss
Posts: 646
Joined: Tue Jul 02, 2013 3:08 am

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby PainInTheAss » Wed Mar 15, 2017 11:59 am

Yes, they are stupid but probably mean well (whatever that means). They just aren't thinking.

I have found that one of the best ways to expose stupidity is to confront it in a subtle, non combative way, like:

"How were you expecting that question/comment/advice to make me feel?" This usually stops them in their tracks and makes them think about what they said from your perspective instead of theirs. Sometimes, that is all it takes.

Other times, you have to continue with more questions like, "Why would you think it would make me feel that way?" Etc. You can be more assertive by simply saying, "Please don't ever ask me that again. It isn't helping"

I lost my mother to suicide when I was 13, and have heard all kinds of insensitive things. It makes you become private because you can't trust how someone might trample over your feelings. I have learned to protect myself from others' ignorance by not sharing things with just anybody (not that you're doing that). People just have no idea what you are going though unless they have experienced something similar.
47yo single mom of 4 (24, 21, 18, 16) at Dx
6/13 - RC T4b IIIc 5LNs on PET CEA 5.4
8/13 - Finish chemorad
10/13 - APR/hyst+ovaries/perm colostomy 2/12 nodes+
6/14 - Finish Xelox 6 rds
1/15 - CT clear CEA 0.2
10/15 - CT/MRI clear CEA 0.7
4/16 - CT clear
10/16 - CT/MRI clear CEA 0.6

TXLiz
Posts: 128
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 3:31 pm

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby TXLiz » Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:17 pm

My grandfather died of a massive stroke, and my grandma lived for 35 years after, never had a boyfriend, never remarried, said grandpa was the only one for her. She was always active and happy.

I personally don't know how one could move on just a few years after the death of a spouse.

Ignore them all.
Vomiting and blockage 9/19/16 46 y F
R hemi colectomy 9/20/16
Stage 3 B CRC, located in cecum
3 out of 16 lymph nodes positive
perineural invasion/lymphovascular invasion
infiltrating, mod differentiated adenocarcinoma with a mucinous component
separate tumor nodules present in pericolonic adipose tissue
Baseline PET scan clear 9/16 CEA 0.5
FOLFOX 10/16- 3/17
April 16th, CT scan clear. CEA 1.1

recruiter
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Feb 11, 2016 12:01 pm
Facebook Username: Bill Wilson

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby recruiter » Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:42 pm

My story is a different subject, the loss last May of my Mom as my treatment was kicking off, but equally insensitive.

About a month ago, a former work colleague sat down as I was eating lunch alone in a restaurant and angrily informed me, "I lost my Mom when she was 35. Your Mom was elderly. You don't have the right to grieve the loss of an elderly parent."

My reply: "Number one, Mike, grief is not a zero sum game, although given your superficial, self-absorbed nature, I'm not surprised you would think so.

"Number two: I didn't ask you to sit down with me, so leave. Or I'll ask the restaurant manager to help you."

I think we just live in a time when people feel emboldened to be jerks.
DX Stage 4 2/16 with lung mets
4/16 CT, PET show "marked improvement" in size and number of lung mets, rectal tumor.
8/16 "Great report" from scans, lung mets continue to shrink in size and number, CEA 1.6, cancer "in remission" but surgeon believes tumor remains too large.
10/16 Xrays for constipation problems reveal tumor occupies 25 percent of rectal canal: Occupied 80 percent upon diagnosis 2/16
12/16 Back on Avastin; tumor can be removed, but need better margins.

TXLiz
Posts: 128
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 3:31 pm

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby TXLiz » Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:58 pm

recruiter wrote:My story is a different subject, the loss last May of my Mom as my treatment was kicking off, but equally insensitive.

About a month ago, a former work colleague sat down as I was eating lunch alone in a restaurant and angrily informed me, "I lost my Mom when she was 35. Your Mom was elderly. You don't have the right to grieve the loss of an elderly parent."

My reply: "Number one, Mike, grief is not a zero sum game, although given your superficial, self-absorbed nature, I'm not surprised you would think so.

"Number two: I didn't ask you to sit down with me, so leave. Or I'll ask the restaurant manager to help you."

I think we just live in a time when people feel emboldened to be jerks.



Ugh. Agreed.
Vomiting and blockage 9/19/16 46 y F
R hemi colectomy 9/20/16
Stage 3 B CRC, located in cecum
3 out of 16 lymph nodes positive
perineural invasion/lymphovascular invasion
infiltrating, mod differentiated adenocarcinoma with a mucinous component
separate tumor nodules present in pericolonic adipose tissue
Baseline PET scan clear 9/16 CEA 0.5
FOLFOX 10/16- 3/17
April 16th, CT scan clear. CEA 1.1

Lee
Posts: 4708
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby Lee » Thu Mar 16, 2017 8:22 pm

recruiter wrote:I think we just live in a time when people feel emboldened to be jerks.


I couldn't agree more. So sorry this happened to you. That guy was real jerks.

I remember once in college, can't remember what class, butt the teacher was talking about her sister's divorce (venting actually) and how it was effecting the kids. I remember telling her at least those kids will still get to see their dad after the divorce. She shot back that I was the lucky one compared to what those kids were going through. With my dad, it was permanent, accept it and move on. End of story. Butt with these kids they have to live with the pain every time they see their dad.

OK :shock: . Realized this teacher was CLUELESS and I was done.

What is that expression, "You Can't Fix Stupid".

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 10 years and counting!

User avatar
CRguy
Posts: 8975
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby CRguy » Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:33 am

Don't know if I can, OR should go to the " girl / guy " thing here ..... :?:
wife in background saying ..."yes, you are a smart man !!! " :shock: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

SO I will go to the REAL effin' LIFE, no bullshit, CR in yo' face THING here .... :twisted:
My rules to live by .. ALWAYS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. CAN'T cure STUPID !

2. DON'T let small minded assholes drag you down to their level.

3. LIFE is too short to cavort with BUTT HEADS !!!! :twisted:

4. DON'T make your effin' stupid UckFUP... MY emergency.

5. IF I wanted your opinion .. I woulda' ASKED.

6. Talk to the hand and LOSE MY NUMBER !

7. people treat you .. the way you let them, AND you ain't treatin' ME that way asshole !
8. CRguy is on your side ... refer all assholes to ME ...... Image

YEAH .... OK I have only a few GREAT friends ... BUTT NO MORE assholes in my life ...

WORD !!!!! sista'
call me for backup :!:

Harmony
CRguy
Caregiver twice
Stage IV A rectal cancer/lung met
10 Year survivor
my life is an ongoing NONrandomized UNcontrolled experiment with N=1 !
Review of my Journey so far
Image

User avatar
Sharon Brent
Posts: 273
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2014 5:19 am
Location: London England

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby Sharon Brent » Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:32 pm

CR Guy, you are my hero,

I need to get those 8 steps printed on a T-Shirt, I'm laughing so much
Can I please add

9. Common Sense is by no means common at all... You are proof of that

Thanks everyone, it gives me strength to know that most people who have not experienced what we are going through, do not need to understand us, and we in turn are better off without their opinions or being anywhere near us.
DH, 47yo, Dx Stg IV, mCRC, lvr, lng 1/14, Tx Capeciabine 9 rnds
Children 5 & 1
DH 48th Birthday 6 November in Hospital
Home palliative care on 12 November 2014
Called back to Jesus 4pm 15 November 2014
Life Celebration in Nigeria 8 January 2015

User avatar
CRguy
Posts: 8975
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm

Re: Why are some people so insensitive?

Postby CRguy » Sun Mar 19, 2017 5:35 pm

WELL !!!

you are probably a much nicer person than I .....
BUTT feel free to add / modify / legitimize and enshrine any and all of these one-liners
in any way you see fit !

Cheers sista'
gotchur back :mrgreen:
CR on the Journey
Caregiver twice
Stage IV A rectal cancer/lung met
10 Year survivor
my life is an ongoing NONrandomized UNcontrolled experiment with N=1 !
Review of my Journey so far
Image


Return to “Colon Talk - Colon cancer (colorectal cancer) support forum”



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: TrojanGirlie and 33 guests