The Colon Club

.....an Aussie cure for changed bowel habits and looseness of stools.

Cancer’s a Funny Thing


I wish I had the voice of Homer
To sing of rectal carcinoma,
Which kills a lot more chaps, in fact,
Than were bumped off when Troy was sacked.

Yet, thanks to modern surgeon’s skills,
It can be killed before it kills
Upon a scientific basis
In nineteen out of twenty cases.

I noticed I was passing blood
(Only a few drops, not a flood).
So pausing on my homeward way
From Tallahassee to Bombay
I asked a doctor, now my friend,
To peer into my hinder end,
To prove or to disprove the rumour
That I had a malignant tumour.

They pumped in BaS04.
Till I could really stand no more,
And, when sufficient had been pressed in,
They photographed my large intestine,
In order to decide the issue

They next scraped out some bits of tissue.
(Before they did so, some good pal
Had knocked me out with pentothal,
Whose action is extremely quick,
And does not leave me feeling sick.)

The microscope returned the answer
That I had certainly got cancer,
So I was wheeled into the theatre
Where holes were made to make me better.

One set is in my perineum
Where I can feel, but can’t yet see ‘em.
Another made me like a kipper
Or female prey of Jack the Ripper,
Through this incision, I don’t doubt,
The neoplasm was taken out,
Along with colon, and lymph nodes
Where cancer cells might find abodes.

A third much smaller hole is meant
To function as a ventral vent:
So now I am like two-faced Janus
The only* god who sees his anus.


*In India there are several more
With extra faces, up to four,
But both in Brahma and in Shiva
I own myself an unbeliever.


I'll swear, without the risk of perjury,
It was a snappy bit of surgery.
My rectum is a serious loss to me,
But I’ve a very neat colostomy,
And hope, as soon as I am able,
To make it keep a fixed time-table.

So do not wait for aches and pains
To have a surgeon mend your drains;
If he says “cancer” you’re a dunce
Unless you have it out at once,
For if you wait it’s sure to swell,
And may have progeny as well.

My final word, before I’m done,
Is “Cancer can be rather fun”.

Thanks to the nurses and Nye Bevan
The NHS is quite like heaven
Provided one confronts the tumour
With a sufficient sense of humour.

I know that cancer often kills,
But so do cars and sleeping pills;
And it can hurt one till one sweats,
So can bad teeth and unpaid debts.

A spot of laughter, I am sure,
Often accelerates one’s cure;
So let us patients do our bit
To help the surgeons make us fit.

J. B. S. Haldane (1964)


John Burdon Sanderson Haldane FRS (5 November 1892 – 1 December 1964) was a British-born Indian scientist. He is famous for the (possibly apocryphal) response that he gave when some theologians asked him what could be inferred about the mind of the Creator from the works of His Creation: "An inordinate fondness for beetles."

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/food-cocktails/a9581410/new-starbucks-frappuccino-flavors/
Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino:

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”

The woman, beginning to turn blue, shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that her entire body reacts and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seen nobody do it!”

source
Mr. Case

oh shit ..... I hear Dueling Banjos

peanut_8 wrote:

No drums required , CR, besides your getting a snarky attitude .... Ha!
Bro Nut

Sinko de Mayo is truly a day to celebrate.
Few people have come to know the “true” story of the origin of Sinko de Mayo. It is my pleasure to set the record straight.
A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Go out on this day, grab a couple of slices of Wonderbread and a jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise and have a party. You know I will

Meanwhile, down in the boonies, a mobile colonoscopy service has been established....



May 9th is Lost Sock Memorial Day...

AND Ben's partner is .... wait for it ....
..... Phil McCavity

AbbyDoo wrote:Sinko de Mayo is truly a day to celebrate.
Few people have come to know the “true” story of the origin of Sinko de Mayo. It is my pleasure to set the record straight.
A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.
The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Go out on this day, grab a couple of slices of Wonderbread and a jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise and have a party. You know I will

With all due respect for your candor, in 1862, Mexico, garnered a victory over French invasion, in Pueblo. The victory inspired the American army to defeat the Confederate army, and America is the birth of Cinco De Mayo, not Mexico. Cinco de Mayo is not a Mexican Holiday....

peanut_8 wrote:

When talking about liquor, mine's called Anejo, and I like it, if it's rum , or tequila, as long as it is of quality. otherwise, I drink cheap beer, as Tanqueray, or Beefeaters, is no longer on the menu, since I turned 40... 21 years ago !

What can I say, I'm a cheap Merlot drinker. Have a few glasses each evening. Had to give up margaritas years ago. Butt when I could drink them, they were so GOOD.

Miss em.

Lee