How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

[peanut_8]

His way of coping was getting closer to his co-worker. He says he was struggling to cope with my illness and she was struggling with a work crisis. Over several months, when my treatment side effects were at their worst, they started going out - to lunch, dinner, galleries, once to the theatre (all the things we used to do regularly), once to her apartment to meet up to go out - in order to forget their problems and reclaim some normalcy in their respective lives. He claims they never even kissed, though there was mutual attraction between them. He says they both knew their relationship was "futile" (his words).

How do I cope with all this when my time on earth is so precious and so short? How do I step back and put it behind me? Basically, I need to move on. I'm a Christian with Buddhist tendencies so any advice, spiritual and non-spiritual, practical and emotional would help.

Edited to add: he tells she's dating now - through friends and online dating. I also realise he could be minimising, that they may have kissed but I'll never know and time is short...

First off, I wish you the best for the trial drug & hope you think in terms of becoming stable from your dx. I know this will sting, doesn't make me happy to say it, but regardless of any physical contact your DH & this woman may or may not have had is immaterial @ this point. The fact is, your husband is a liar & a cheat during the time you & your daughter need him the most. You may define cheating as pure physical, however he is not there in the marriage emotionally; took a sabbatical @ your expense & @ the expense of his daughter.

He can't cope w/your illness; you can't cope w/his inability to cope. Quit making excuses for him. Insist he get professional counseling rather than satisfy his need for FUN that you cannot promise to fulfill & actually speak to someone who knows what they're talking about so he can be committed to his family when his family needs him to be strong. If anything he needs to do this for your daughter. Emotional immaturity is not ok for all of you right now & you cannot be policing his activities.

If this takes place, it should put your mind @ ease & if the bills/statements aren't coming through from counseling, then he's not going. Consider calling your oncologist's office to find a therapist familiar w/counseling cancer patients & their families.
Your husband has hurt you deeply & this cannot be swept under the rug or minimized. He needs help developing coping skills & gaining a greater sense of family verses "self" for the road ahead.

Best Wishes
BS

Orissia, sorry for the double quote, butt I wanted to focus on BS's advice. I feel that she has hit the nail on the head here. It really doesn't matter if your husband has had physical contact with his co-worker. He wasn't there for you or your daughter. It's sad and painful for you and doesn't bode well for the future. IMO is's cruel behavior, and you don't need that at this point. Ideally you need him to be a strong parent when you're gone. I agree with BS. He needs professional counseling.

Best Wishes, peanut

[Orissia]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and diverse responses. I certainly have a lot to ponder.

[stu]

Just for the record you sound a really great person . That is what is coming across strongly to me and keep that at the front of your thinking. You have a lot to consider but I do hope you take care of yourself and your daughter just now and that is within your control.
Disappointments of that nature are hard to get over. But you can draw boundaries that protect you and make time to do nice things with your daughter.
Growing up and selflessness are hard , many duck out of them.
You take care
Stu

[Cowgirl918]

Whoa as we cowgirls say. This thread is loaded with emotion and it should be given the subject matter. And remind me to never get on Maggie's bad side I loved your posts Maggie. Want you on my team.
Good luck sorting through all of our feedback and your set your own priorities. Take your power back whatever else you do or don't do.

[Nik Colon]

All the advice given here has been from the heart (I feel). But, no matter what, you need to do what you feel is best for you and your daughter. No matter what you decide, we are here for you. Hugs

[Maggie Nell]

Whoa as we cowgirls say. This thread is loaded with emotion and it should be given the subject matter. And remind me to never get on Maggie's bad side I loved your posts Maggie. Want you on my team.
Good luck sorting through all of our feedback and your set your own priorities. Take your power back whatever else you do or don't do.

Awww, you're so sweet, Cowgirl, giving me the benefit of the doubt that I even have a good side!

Once upon a time, I was 8 years old, an only child with a mother with an incurable illness. Back in the mid-20th century, if the husband/father was in
stable employment, kept a roof over the heads of his dependants, put food on the table....that was coping and being supportive and was seen
as being enough, being good enough. I reckon that Orissia's husband is 'old school' and we're on the....what?....Third Wave Feminism now>
Before we chop his bollocks off and feed him to a psychologist, there needs to be an acknowledgement of the fact that he isn't sitting in a corner
drooling and pulling his hair out.

A creative solution would be to get down with the LDS and bring in a sister-wife to pick up the slack and get a relationship going with
the daughter who is at risk of not having a father who is not attuned to her needs either.

The girl will need her Aunties, where are they?

[Nik Colon]

[justin case]

Any smart man, know a woman can smell another woman ! If he is looking for emotional help, that is perhaps OK, butt You need his help more than his preoccupation
Michael

[Felicitym23]

My belief is its an emotional affair. He is putting time and effort into another woman and not you.

It has taken me 12 months or more of therapy to realise my husband does not respect me or our marriage. He can tell me he loves me to the end of the earth but telling another women deepest secrets and what not is not being faithful to your wife/children/marriage.

My husband has always "Checked out" when things have gotten too hard. I wish he could really be there for me now. But to be honest what he is trying to do is still not enough. I put up with excepting less from him. If I didnt have cancer. I would be gone now.

[Orissia]

Dear thread readers,

Thank you once again for your diverse yet insightful comments above. I am still reflecting on them all.

Please could you let me know your opinions on this letter I am thinking of sending my husband?

The part about stopping treatment may be too harsh (though it's been through my mind during my darkest moments and I mentioned it to him during our last talk about this situation).

I know seeing a therapist (who is both a specialist in relationships and dealing with cancer) will help me next week and beyond, and I may not actually send this letter (I may have a talk with him instead) but please review it with your thoughts as other opinions are always useful. Every word and desire written below is true.

Orissia.

------------------------------------------

Dear [Husband],

Just so you know, in the spirit of full disclosure:

I'm starting counselling next week at [...] to help me deal with your secret liaisons and emails/texts/calls with [Co-worker] last year and your continued interactions with her this year.

Sessions are with a female therapist who is also a marriage counsellor and they are also trying to set me up with a male counsellor to get a male perspective on all this.

Knowing that [Co-worker] still suggests you meet up, for lunch, for coffee, for drinks alone in her room (doesn't matter that you say you didn't, it's the fact she felt she could ask) makes me realise she has no idea how much "she and you" has affected my well-being.

In my heart of hearts I want you to definitively cut all contact with her unless strictly necessary due to a case you are BOTH working on, and to TELL HER why you're doing it so she truly understands why she can't keep tempting you by suggesting lunch/coffee/drinks/chat.

I am tired of always having to ask you if you've met up for lunch/coffee etc or if you really are working late... I am not coping well with the thought of any kind of contact between you both and you making a much cleaner, CLEAR-CUT BREAK from her will give me peace and therefore you a bit of peace and quiet too.

I can't keep this to myself any longer as it's making me implode not being able to talk about this with anyone except you. I've been close to confiding with my mum several times because I need an outlet and we're very close. I've also been close to emailing [Co-worker] myself.

And, more dangerously, it's making me want to stop treatment and simply let nature take its course because dying sooner would be easier than dealing with "us" and "you and her".

So it's best I talk it out with a qualified person and get their help and advice.

Just wanted to let you know what's happening and what I want YOU to do (the morally right thing to do). The things I'm requesting from you need to happen VERY SOON and you need to tell me when it's done so I can make some decisions about my future and we can both truly move on, separately or together.

Love Orissia

[Maggie Nell]

And, more dangerously, it's making me want to stop treatment and simply let nature take its course because dying sooner would be easier
than dealing with "us" and "you and her".

So it's best I talk it out with a qualified person and get their help and advice.

This is so not the way to go, Orissia. The part about stopping treatment is emotional blackmail and you are on very
shaky ground now.

I suggest you get your mother to take care of your daughter.

[stu]

Hi,
I think its great that your seeking help and you could always ask your counsellor their view before you give him it.
Its all steps in the right direction.
Remember even although you have sought opinion from us on your relationship , it does not mean you have invited comments on the care of your child , if you are uncomfortable with that just let us know.
Your doing great,
Stu

[Nik Colon]

Hi,
I think its great that your seeking help and you could always ask your counsellor their view before you give him it.
Its all steps in the right direction.
Remember even although you have sought opinion from us on your relationship , it does not mean you have invited comments on the care of your child , if you are uncomfortable with that just let us know.
Your doing great,
Stu

I agree!

[bitchslapped]

My opinion...trash the letter or save it in a "my feelings" file. It helps you to write your feelings down, so serves therapeutic purpose in that regard. My guess is you have already told him everything in the letter @ one time or another. We women tend to want to drive the same points home over & over again & I think it falls on deaf ears. At this point, even if your husband told you he cut off all contact, which is pretty much impossible in the workplace, I rather doubt you would believe him. Why is that? Because w/o his joining you in counseling you have no reason to believe he has made any effort to develop better coping skills. He appears to be struggling. If he agrees to seek counseling as well, then that should bring some level of relief & trust back into your relationship.

It's one thing to discuss your problems over coffee break, or lunch hour, quite another to meet up after work, attend the theater, art gallery w/another female other than his wife. Those are things he used to do w/you. He needs to understand the magnitude of his betrayal in how dangerous that behavior was to you & to him.

Kudos to you for taking the bull by the horns by taking that first step for yourself. It's a big one. Ask your husband if he will take that first step w/you. He may be reluctant at first, but join you later, especially if your counselors request a joint session.

It pains me to see anyone go through something like this, but cancer is a family disease. It affects everyone.

Big hugs to you Orissia. You're a brave gal.

BS

[peanut_8]

Hi Orissa,
I like the fact that you wrote the letter. It helps to get feelings to coagulate and lets you formulate a plan. However, I do think that holding on to it for a while might be a good idea.

Correct me if I'm wrong, butt I think you have a short term goal of wanting your husband to be trustworthy and to be there for you when you need him. I'm not sure that asking him to basically cut off all non-essential contact with his coworker is a good idea. For one thing, if you get rid of this one, who's to say there won't be another one next week or next month. And there is the issue that since they work together, it really isn't practical.

I'm going to reference BS's advice again. It seems like his main problem is his inability to cope with the current situation. Have you discussed professional counseling with him? I'm sure that he is struggling also, and hasn't made the best choices. Counseling can really help him in this regard.

Then I'm thinking you have a long term goal of insuring the best future for your daughter and husband. Counseling can give him coping strategies to help all of you.

I really wish you didn't have to deal with crap like this at this time. Cancer sucks.

Best Wishes, peanut