How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

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Orissia
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How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby Orissia » Wed May 04, 2016 12:50 pm

My husband and I have been married nearly ten years. Until my diagnosis in 2014 we'd had a good marriage packed with activity. We also have a young daughter. My husband and I are not particularly emotionally demonstrative - we both prefer doing things than talking about stuff - but we'd always had a loving and good sexual relationship.

Since diagnosis I was in too much discomfort to have sex and emotionally I was drained too. Last year I was on Folfiri treatment that knocked me for six: I suffered the usual side effects including some pain, nausea and a lot of fatigue. He would come home from work and find me in bed. He thought I was on my deathbed.

His way of coping was getting closer to his co-worker. He says he was struggling to cope with my illness and she was struggling with a work crisis. Over several months, when my treatment side effects were at their worst, they started going out - to lunch, dinner, galleries, once to the theatre (all the things we used to do regularly), once to her apartment to meet up to go out - in order to forget their problems and reclaim some normalcy in their respective lives. He claims they never even kissed, though there was mutual attraction between them. He says they both knew their relationship was "futile" (his words).

Of course, I knew nothing of these liaisons. He never talked to me about her and he covered evenings out with her as "working late". I only found out months later when my Spidey sense kicked in and I secretly checked his texts and emails: I discovered emails between them but they were platonic and not at all sexual or even flirtatious. But there was obviously affection between them.

He apologised but seemed to want to just move on from it all as he didn't consider it an affair. I asked him how he could know that when my health takes a bad turn again that he won't turn to her again and he said he'll be much more vigilant about his behaviour. Fair enough.

I still check his phone because I'm struggling to rebuild trust. I can see that they very occasionally meet up for coffee/lunch at work, which he never tells me about (though I never ask). I also know from his emails that at a work conference they met up for a drink in her hotel room before a big group dinner but my Spidey sense (and looking at other emails between them during that conference) intuits that it was platonic, that nothing happened, that nothing IS happening between them.

I think there's nothing major between them beyond strong friendship that they both know could cross a line but they both know it's a line they can't cross.

She's younger, prettier and healthier than me so my self esteem has taken a real beating. Also, my health status is definitely terminal and I know I will again and inevitably take a turn for the worse. How do I enjoy the precious time left to me without all this fear of him "returning to her", without all my precious headspace being taken up by "them" even though there is (and never really was) a "them"? How do I stop giving so much attention to what I believe was not even an emotional affair (he was not sharing his feelings over me and my health, he just needed someone to hang out with, to forget the reality of our situation for a few hours)? How do I stop constantly trying to monitor his behaviour because it's taking up so much headspace! I just want to step back from it all and enjoy the time left between us (and we are spending some good time together again - going out, more sex) and with our daughter?

How do I cope with all this when my time on earth is so precious and so short? How do I step back and put it behind me? Basically, I need to move on. I'm a Christian with Buddhist tendencies so any advice, spiritual and non-spiritual, practical and emotional would help.

Edited to add: he tells she's dating now - through friends and online dating. I also realise he could be minimising, that they may have kissed but I'll never know and time is short...
Stage 4 colon cancer w. mets to liver
No surgeries, primary tumour & mets still in situ
MSS, KRAS wild type (normal)
2014 Folfox w. Avastin
2015 Folfiri w. Zaltrap
2016 Erbitux fail
June 2016 SIRT done; approved for TAS 102/ Lonsurf
Looking to participate in MSS immuno trial when they start recruiting, if Lonsurf fails


Married since 2007 with a 8 year old daughter.

Nik Colon

Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby Nik Colon » Wed May 04, 2016 6:14 pm

I can't say what is right. All I can say, if you want to stay with him, the only way you can be happy is to not check his emails or texts or such as you know if you see something it will only hurt you. Like the saying, sometimes ignorance is bliss. This is not saying to give him permission to lie, but to be able to trust in what he tells you is the truth.
Last edited by Nik Colon on Wed May 04, 2016 9:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

crazylife
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Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby crazylife » Wed May 04, 2016 6:56 pm

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. You need to do some soul searching and figure out what will make you happy. The fact that you are terminal and he is not spending every minute with you would make me question, but if he makes you happy then stick with it. It's all about you in my opinion. Prayers that this terminal diagnosis will turn around for you. xoxo
Wife to DH, 41 years old, diagnosed 11/15
Stage 4, Mod diff, 13/24 LN, 1 liver met
Colon/liver resection at MSK, 11/15
8mm lung met (not confirmed) and enlarged lymph nodes 1/16
12 rounds of folfox (9 with Oxi) 6/16
NED - July 2016
NED - October 2016
3 lung mets - March 2017
7 lung mets, May 2017
RFA to largest met, June 2017
Lung mets growing slowly, October 2017 (off treatment since June 2016)
Right lung surgery, November 2017
Left lung surgery, January 2018
NED - May 2018

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WriterGirl1969
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Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby WriterGirl1969 » Wed May 04, 2016 8:24 pm

Orissia wrote:How do I cope with all this when my time on earth is so precious and so short? How do I step back and put it behind me? Basically, I need to move on. I'm a Christian with Buddhist tendencies so any advice, spiritual and non-spiritual, practical and emotional would help.


Wow Orissia - that's such a difficult situation. Although I may have my own feelings on everything, I would suggest talking this over with someone who has more experience with it than just me. Whether or not your diagnosis is terminal right now, that doesn't change the fact that you're a person, and a wife, and a mom. You deserve to be secure and loved and happy. That being said, being the caregiver isn't easy either. I don't claim to know how hard it must be to watch someone you care about go through so much while trying to hold everything else down. If the two of you love and respect each other, talking through this with someone shouldn't hurt, and could only help.

In the meantime, if you need support, you will always have it here.
Prayers and Hugs,
Tracy
DX 3/4/2016 Colon Cancer; age 46 Mom of then 4-yr-old
Stage IIIB: T3N1M0
3/31/16 Surgery
4 to 10/2016: Xeloda Monotherapy
CEA: 10/16 0.56, 1/17 0.54
CT CLEAR: 3/6/17; 4/17/18; 4/16/19
NED 3 years
“If I can help somebody as I walk along, then my living shall not be in vain.”

behconsult
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Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby behconsult » Wed May 04, 2016 9:19 pm

Everything you say makes sense. I feel for your going through as this crap.

Two thoughts.


To forgive and surrender; this is a choice. If you decide to, then do it and not look back. it is strictly a choice you decide to make

You must tame those untamed thoughts by staying in the present. You have a cascade of self stories, them stories, etc. One stories sends you to another story until you collapse with exhaustion. Clear your mind, live in the Now and enjoy your family. Peace, Bob
Stage 4 Age 56 BrafV660E 5/14
spot on perit/ Right side tumor
Resctn 6/9/2014
Folfox strt 7/2014. 6 of 12 tx
Chemo induced DM2
Pet 4 mets to lung (1 cm, 6 mm) Xeloda/Avastin 9/16 to present.
Cryo-ablation to four spots- Collapsed lung/chest tube 2x
Possible local recurrence in a spot or two on PET. Stable CT

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Cowgirl918
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Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby Cowgirl918 » Wed May 04, 2016 10:23 pm

I am also very sorry that you are dealing with this additional pain. I may not have answers but I do have questions. What do you want? Do you love him? Is he a good Husband and Father? Is he a good friend to you? Maybe you can ask yourself these questions to find your answer. Life is too short for all of us. If the burden is too great I find that the best answers come on bent knees. Give your pain to God and ask him for help. Pray not just for your self but for your Husband. The more you hold him up the more clearly you will see your path. I will pray for all of you.
HX Colon Polyps Villious and Tubillovillous
12/29/15 Colonoscopy/Endoscopy - Ascending Colon Mass- Hemicolectomy Scheduled
1/17/2016 Right Hemicolectomy Cancelled
1/25/2016 CT No evidence of other disease
2/12/2016 EMR-ascending colon mass 80%
8/12/2016 EMR #2 ascending colon mass curative
8/13/16 NED
7/26/2023 Neuroendocrine mass small bowel, two mesenteric lymph nodes
9/1/2023 Small bowel resection jejunum and lymph nodes removed mesentery

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Maggie Nell
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Location: Central Highlands, Victoria, Oz

Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby Maggie Nell » Wed May 04, 2016 11:57 pm

Over several months, when my treatment side effects were at their worst, they started going out - to lunch, dinner, galleries, once to the theatre (all the things we used to do regularly), once to her apartment to meet up to go out - in order to forget their problems and reclaim some normalcy in their respective lives


And who was there for you when the side-effects from treatment were at their worst to hold the line with normalcy? Who did you
have to lean on?

How are you both supporting and preparing your daughter for a future in which her father may focus on another woman when she is at a
crossroads (adolescence being a tricky time) and you are no longer around? Do what you can for her in the time you have available.
DX April 2015, @ 54
35mm poorly diff. tumour, incidental finding following emergency R. hemicolectomy
for ileo-colic intussusception.
Lymph nodes: 0/22
T3 N0 MX
Stage II CRC, no adjuvant chemo required.

Orissia
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed May 04, 2016 10:20 am

Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby Orissia » Thu May 05, 2016 1:01 am

Hi everyone. Thank you all for your comments and advice. I "confronted" my husband again last night (a gentle, non-accusatory confrontation). I asked him to explain these continued coffees and lunches, also to explain the drinks in her hotel room at the recent conference; I asked him why he'd not told me about them.

He told me the coffees/lunches are completely above board, just something to grab quickly at work and chat about work and stuff. He said it's not every day. He said he didn't end up drinking in her room at the conference but met her there and then they both went down to the hotel bar for drinks with their colleagues. My instinct believed him when he was telling me this - that it's all completely platonic and infrequent, part of normal working life.

He said he's been finding it difficult to cut off all friendship with her because they get on well and mainly chat about work stuff. My husband has no friends other than me as he's a natural loner and introvert so cutting all contact with his co-worker who he gets on with is difficult.

My husband said he hadn't told her that I knew about their history of secretly hanging out, that she doesn't know how disruptive their friendship has been to our marriage. I suggested he enlighten her as otherwise she will still be a risk to our marriage if she wants to start going out for dinners etc again with him. I'm not sure whether he will or not. I told him at present I'm more mistrustful of her than of him, because she could use his shoulder to lean on when she has problems again and that just leads to trouble within our particular context.

He told me he never tells me about their platonic, completely-above-board coffees etc because he thinks knowing will send my mind into overdrive and make mountains out of molehills. I told him it's actually the reverse, that not knowing sends my imagination into overdrive. I asked for him to be more open and transparent about the times they meet.

I'm convinced their friendship is innocent these days and I think I may be able to trust him more over time. This thread precipitated our conversation last night and has helped. I don't feel so compelled to check his phone.

Aside from this issue we are having good times together again now that my body is less bogged down by chemo side effects (I'm waiting on a a trial drug Tas-102). I guess the real test will come when my health deteriorates again - how he handles me being more bedridden, less able to go out with him and have fun. I'm hoping he's learned from his mistakes last year.

At the same time I need to cut him some slack. He's petrified of my failing health, seeing me in pain and then leaving him all alone to raise our young daughter.

Let's see how the next few days goes... This thread is helping so thank you.
Stage 4 colon cancer w. mets to liver
No surgeries, primary tumour & mets still in situ
MSS, KRAS wild type (normal)
2014 Folfox w. Avastin
2015 Folfiri w. Zaltrap
2016 Erbitux fail
June 2016 SIRT done; approved for TAS 102/ Lonsurf
Looking to participate in MSS immuno trial when they start recruiting, if Lonsurf fails


Married since 2007 with a 8 year old daughter.

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Maggie Nell
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Location: Central Highlands, Victoria, Oz

Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby Maggie Nell » Thu May 05, 2016 4:28 am

Well, you could take the bull by the horns and talk to the work colleague directly and tell her that
you are a mother of an 8-year old daughter and that your husband is dilly-dallying with her because
he cannot face processing the intensity of his own child's suffering.

As she seems to be an early front-runner for the role of step-mother you might like to check out her
credentials and vet her.

Nothing scares off an intruder more than the threat of being handed the laundry. Metaphorically
speaking.

My husband has no friends other than me as he's a natural loner and introvert so cutting all contact
with his co-worker who he gets on with is difficult.


If your husband is a natural loner than he's not going to be very good with providing your daughter with
experiences she will need with socializing outside of what she gets at school, is he? Unless he takes her
along with him to Parents Without Partners meetings...or pussies without pricks as my cousin who lost his
wife to a devastating breast cancer once quipped.

The test in reality is right here, right now. If the magnitude of the losses, past and future, are making you and
your husband emotionally unavailable to to exercise a reflective function for your daughter, then you need to
be checking her texts, her social media...

He told me he never tells me about their platonic, completely-above-board coffees etc because he thinks knowing will send my mind
into overdrive and make mountains out of molehills.


For the record, this is classic 'gaslighting'. It's emotional abuse...and...seems that your daughter has a father who thinks her mother
is prone to histrionics, which is such a lovely message to send.
DX April 2015, @ 54
35mm poorly diff. tumour, incidental finding following emergency R. hemicolectomy
for ileo-colic intussusception.
Lymph nodes: 0/22
T3 N0 MX
Stage II CRC, no adjuvant chemo required.

Felicitym23
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Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby Felicitym23 » Thu May 05, 2016 8:08 am

Oh my gosh I could have written your post myself. I found my husband sex texting messages to a "new" female staff member just as I was DX with cancer. In fact I knew something was going on before my DX but he lied to my face and said they where just friends. Until I found the vile skype messages.

It has been a year. I have no trust for my husband what so ever. I do believe they never had sex but I also believe if I had not found the messages they would have.

I sent her a message and told her she can have him........ Funny enough she didnt want him then. She said they were just good friends and they where just messing around.

I stuggle with the headspace it has put me in. I am now stuck here. Everytime things get tough my husband finds another female to lend an ear too. Instead of talking to me.

I feel like he is already making plans for when I pass away. He has already said he "Doesnt know how he is going to cope without me here and our 12 year old son".

This is just my story. Some people can move on. I thought I could and even though both of them have told me they will not communcate they still work in the same department at work.

I question everything. From her being 15 years younger than me and rolling in money from her divorce. My husband has always liked to live large and a bit flashy.

She on the other hand was nothing but trashy...
47yrs and mother to a 12 year child with autism
Cancer confirmed 9/23/15
Ext right hemicolectomy 10/13/15
35 Lymph nodes & 6 cancer told Stage 3C.
Nov 15 Oxy, Leucovorin, Flurourcil
CT and PET Scan told that cancer was now in abdo & neck lymph nodes.
STAGE 4 told two days before Christmas 2015.
Oxy, Leucovorin, Flurourcil & Panitumumab
MARCH 2016 NED - currently in remission. Stage 4.
After 3 sessions of Vectibux.
PET & CT SCAN July 16 - Still NED but still on chemo and Vectibix.

Orissia
Posts: 22
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Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby Orissia » Thu May 05, 2016 8:30 am

@Felicitym23 I am so sorry :(
Stage 4 colon cancer w. mets to liver
No surgeries, primary tumour & mets still in situ
MSS, KRAS wild type (normal)
2014 Folfox w. Avastin
2015 Folfiri w. Zaltrap
2016 Erbitux fail
June 2016 SIRT done; approved for TAS 102/ Lonsurf
Looking to participate in MSS immuno trial when they start recruiting, if Lonsurf fails


Married since 2007 with a 8 year old daughter.

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Maggie Nell
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Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 1:57 am
Location: Central Highlands, Victoria, Oz

Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby Maggie Nell » Thu May 05, 2016 9:10 am

Orissia, I also want to draw your attention to the ten-(seven year)-itch cliche that your husband is acting out. Clearly, cancer is not a
cure for playing out mediocre cliches and it seems your "spidey sense" is hooked into that cliche as well. Gotta love the subconscious mind and
embedded societal messages. Buddhist practice is one method of rooting them out.


How do I cope with all this when my time on earth is so precious and so short? How do I step back and put it behind me? Basically,
I need to move on. I'm a Christian with Buddhist tendencies so any advice, spiritual and non-spiritual, practical and emotional would help.


What kind of strange fruit is a Christian with Buddhist tendencies? How do you practice that in your day-to-day life? What sort of Christian are
you....methodist, quaker, catholic, baptist, pentecostal, wesleyan? What sort of Buddhist teachings do you lean towards? Tibetan, Chinese,
Vietnamese, Vajrayana, etc., etc. You sound like you are sitting on the fence there, dipping your toes into the mysterious East but not getting in
over your head. In what way do you share this with your daughter; what traditions (not cliches) shall you invest in her.....food for thought.
DX April 2015, @ 54
35mm poorly diff. tumour, incidental finding following emergency R. hemicolectomy
for ileo-colic intussusception.
Lymph nodes: 0/22
T3 N0 MX
Stage II CRC, no adjuvant chemo required.

bitchslapped
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Location: PNW/USA

Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby bitchslapped » Thu May 05, 2016 11:32 am

Orissia wrote:His way of coping was getting closer to his co-worker. He says he was struggling to cope with my illness and she was struggling with a work crisis. Over several months, when my treatment side effects were at their worst, they started going out - to lunch, dinner, galleries, once to the theatre (all the things we used to do regularly), once to her apartment to meet up to go out - in order to forget their problems and reclaim some normalcy in their respective lives. He claims they never even kissed, though there was mutual attraction between them. He says they both knew their relationship was "futile" (his words).

How do I cope with all this when my time on earth is so precious and so short? How do I step back and put it behind me? Basically, I need to move on. I'm a Christian with Buddhist tendencies so any advice, spiritual and non-spiritual, practical and emotional would help.

Edited to add: he tells she's dating now - through friends and online dating. I also realise he could be minimising, that they may have kissed but I'll never know and time is short...



First off, I wish you the best for the trial drug & hope you think in terms of becoming stable from your dx. I know this will sting, doesn't make me happy to say it, but regardless of any physical contact your DH & this woman may or may not have had is immaterial @ this point. The fact is, your husband is a liar & a cheat during the time you & your daughter need him the most. You may define cheating as pure physical, however he is not there in the marriage emotionally; took a sabbatical @ your expense & @ the expense of his daughter.

He can't cope w/your illness; you can't cope w/his inability to cope. Quit making excuses for him. Insist he get professional counseling rather than satisfy his need for FUN that you cannot promise to fulfill & actually speak to someone who knows what they're talking about so he can be committed to his family when his family needs him to be strong. If anything he needs to do this for your daughter. Emotional immaturity is not ok for all of you right now & you cannot be policing his activities.

If this takes place, it should put your mind @ ease & if the bills/statements aren't coming through from counseling, then he's not going. Consider calling your oncologist's office to find a therapist familiar w/counseling cancer patients & their families.
Your husband has hurt you deeply & this cannot be swept under the rug or minimized. He needs help developing coping skills & gaining a greater sense of family verses "self" for the road ahead.

Best Wishes
BS
DSS,35YO,unresect mCRC DX 7/'14,lvr,LN,peri,rib
FOLFOX+Avstn 4 Rnds d/c 10/'14
Stent 9/'14
FOLFIRI+Avstn 10/'14
Gone From My Sight 2/20/15
Me:garden variety polyps + precancerous polyp, diverticulitis
Carergver x2 DH,DM dbl occupancy,'03-'10
DH dx 47YO mCRC,'04-'07, lvr, billiary tree fried x HAI
DM dx CC 85YO,CC,CHF,stroke,dementia,aphasia

Lund5505
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Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2014 1:37 am

Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby Lund5505 » Thu May 05, 2016 4:48 pm

Go with your gut. If you feel neither crossed the line then they most likely did not. If this had been a amle colleague that he was confiding in for support would you be feeling this way? You mentioned that he is somewhat of a loner, maybe this person was the only one he felt close enough to to confide in. Everyone needs support and just because it is someone of the opposite sex does not mean it must be something more than friendship. He should have been more open with you and if he had you wouldn't be feeling this way but that is water under the bridge. You could both benefit from help in learning how to support each other as I'm sure we all could. I know my husband and I both need support but in different ways. Me I'm afraid of the shortness of my future and the pain that will come from dying. He is terrified of carrying on after im gone. Same story just different perspectives. No matter what cancer sucks and it is hard.

By the way my best support person through this is male and there has never been anything going on between us. We just seem to communicate the same way. Whereas I have several girlfriends and in particular his wife that have shown very little concern as it is just too hard.

Don't waste your time and energy on this. Save it up for doing something as a family.
10/2013 dx female @54 stage IV innumerable liver mets
CEA 2600 kras wild MSS
11/2013 folfox avastin 8 rounds
6/2014 neuropathy development CEA 9.8 but won't go lower
8/2014 colon resection
11/2014 folfiri and cetuximab 9 rounds CEA 1700
4/2015 cetuximab only 4 rounds CEA down to 20 but won't go lower
7/2015 chemo break getting too toxic
10/2015 xeloda 3 rounds CEA 800 then 300 then back up to 900
1/2016 irinotecan CEA 1800 at start 2/2016 too toxic
4/2016 Cea 3200
Hospice recommended but I'm not ready yet

SandyCo
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2012 7:12 pm

Re: How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

Postby SandyCo » Fri May 06, 2016 7:47 am

I don't usually post or comment on this forum, but I had to stick my nose in here. Your husband is causing you great stress and anxiety at a time when he should be there holding your hand and supporting you and your daughter. What really stands out is that he's protecting this other woman at your expense by not telling her that you know about their get-togethers, etc. He doesn't want to make her feel bad? What about you, his wife?! He owes you his loyalty. Regardless of whether this is/was an emotional affair or if it went further, he definitely needs counseling. His behavior is not only hurtful to you, but to your daughter. What will he be doing after you're gone? I'm sorry that you're going through this; I couldn't even imagine how awful it must be. I sincerely hope you have other people supporting you, because at this point he doesn't appear to be the rock you need to lean on. :(


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