How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

[Orissia]

Everyone's posts have been profoundly helpful to me. Thank you all!

[Orissia]

JMO, that happy, sad, joy, sorrow are a normal spectrum of the human experience on this planet & though no one wants their loved ones to experience the negative, especially our children, there is no ying w/o the yang. It is all part of personal growth together in the relationship between the remaining parent & children. To suggest that another "love interest" is the answer to the loss of an integral member of the family unit can certainly be confusing to young children vs pulling in the support of those friends & family members already in place. Grieving is a necessary process toward healing that should not be denied. All in due time.

BS

100% agree. Wonderful (as usual)!

[jortego128]

Glad your husband has put the brakes on. As a former care-giver, I do know that it takes an enormous emotional toll, and that looking to others for emotional support, is normal-- but it sounds like it was on the verge of becoming more than that. We are all flawed, weak, humans. Satan, the king of lies, knows just where to hit us when we are down.

You were right to confront him and stay vigilant, but as a fellow Christian, the best thing to do is to forgive him, (let him know that you do) and not dwell on it \ constantly accuse him (I know this is difficult), even though you may be on the right side of it, this will only push him away further. If he continues / ignores you, you must try to separate for a while and find another care giver, at least until he gets his priorities straight. Knowing hes doing what hes doing and then having him coming home to "take care" of you would take even greater emotional toll on you.

One thing is for certain-- there would be great shame and scandal for him should people find out hes been cheating on his wife who has stage 4 cancer. I highly doubt he would want that news to get out, so dont just let him do. Take him to task if you KNOW hes doing wrong.

Also, while I understand the sentiment, the previous advice someone gave for you to "give him your blessing" to cheat on you while you are still alive is HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE advice, but I think you already know that.

Glad to see that he has seemingly communicated to his friend that their "friendship" is getting out of hand.

I will pray for you and your husband.

[Utwo]

... Until my diagnosis in 2014 we'd had a good marriage packed with activity. ... My husband and I are not particularly emotionally demonstrative - we both prefer doing things than talking about stuff - but we'd always had a loving and good sexual relationship.

Orissia, how fo you know that back there you "had a loving and good sexual relationship"?
I am asking this question because you mentioned that you "prefer doing things than talking about stuff " and because you wrote a letter to you husband instead of having a face to face conversation.
Is it possible that your assumption that you "had a loving and good sexual relationship" is wrong?

Have you ever had a discussion with your husband what he expected from your marriage and wheather he was getting it?

Have you recently discussed this major issue (he wants sex / you do not want sex) with him and how you (as a family) decided to approach it?

P.S. It's never too late to start honestly talking to your partner about what both of you expect at different stages of your family life.

[Orissia]

Hello. Yes, our relationship was very good prior to illness; now the affair is out in the open and ended the relationship is getting better again though we have a lot to work on still. We have worked out strategies ref. sex. We actually can talk about things well but I prefer letters/writing things down for serious stuff because I write better than I talk; I get tongue-tied and always have; writing things down is an established strategy of communication for me.

My counseling sessions are going great and my husband is proving willing to discuss issues arising from them. As I said, we have a long long way to go but we are on a forward path.

I have and never will give my blessing to anything other than marital monogamy while I am still alive.

Once again, thank you all for your messages.

[Ragman]

Hang in there, Orissia! Keep working at it with your husband. Stay strong and full of love.

[Sara-88]

I have been reading this board for awhile because my mom has cancer. I know it has been a few months since you posted this, I just want to say how sorry I am for you. I know what you are going through and I wish I could hug you and talk to you. Don't believe what your husband is saying. No woman deserves this when they are sick. No woman ever deserves this, not ever. I dont know if you will see this, but my dad is cheating on my mom who is dying of cancer. I found out my dad was having an affair Labor Day weekend. I moved back into my parent's house to help with my mom. Hospice is here now because my mom doesn't have a lot of time left. Mom is in a downstairs bedroom becuase she is too ill to go upstairs. I was helping with my dad's laundry and putting things away in their bedroom when I heard a buzzing noise. I found an extra cell phone in the night stand by the bed. There were tons of text messages and emails from the him and the woman he is having an affair with. They have been seeing each other a long time. My dad told her how much he loves her. They talked about how long to wait after my mom dies to get married becase they don't want gossip. I hate my dad so much now. I have not told anyone about this and I don't know what to do. I didn't mean to make this about me, I just want you to know you are not alone and I am sorry he has done this to you.

[Sara-88]

First, let me say that I can't begin to know how you must feel. Facing a terminal illness and also your husband's new friendship must be overwhelming. You need to put yourself first. I don't know what that means for you, but you do have to think of what will bring you peace.

My first marriage ended in divorce when I discovered he was having an affair, so I do know what it feels like to realize someone you love is turning to someone else.

I hope I don't bring up old pain by asking you this, but did your husband marry the woman he was having an affair with? My dad is having an affair and my mom is dying of from colon cacer. I found a hidden cell phone with text messages and emails. They are talking about getting married after mom passes away! Then how long to wait so people wont gossip. I have not told anyone about this or confronted my dad. I am physically ill and I am so scared. Did you have children with him? I guess I just want to know if they accepted her. I am sorry to ask you this. I jut don't know what my future holds. The only thing that is certain for me is that my mom is going to die and my dad is a lying cheater with another woman. All I do is cry. I feel like I have lost both my parents. My mom to colon cancer and my dad to another woman that I dont even know.

[Utwo]

I hate my dad so much now.

Sara, how old are you?

I have not told anyone about this and I don't know what to do.

Children very often have rather limited knowledge about the relationship between their parents, because parents try to hide most issues from their children.
You may have an idealised picture of their marriage, and real situation may be very different.

I didn't mean to make this about me

Ask a couple of questions.
Would it help your mom if you share this information with somebody else?
Would it help your dad?

[Sara-88]

Hi UTwo,
I am 28. I think you were right when you said children don't always know the details of their parent's relationship. Even though I am no longer a child, I never knew this side of my father. My dad was married before and I have a brother who is 40. I called my brother after I found out what my dad was doing. I thought that may help, but it didn't. I never knew my brother growing up. He lived in another state with his mom. When I told my brother that dad was cheating, he was not surprised. He told me that dad cheated on his mother their entire marriage. He said that is just the way my dad is. He said dad cheated on my mom before, too. I just never knew about it. My brother was kind and said how sorry he was, but none of it was helpful. To answer your question, I don't think telling anyone else is the answer. I am just going to take care of my mom right now. I know I am wasting energy on my dad’s crap and I need to be there for my mom.

[WriterGirl1969]

My dad is having an affair and my mom is dying of from colon cacer. I found a hidden cell phone with text messages and emails. They are talking about getting married after mom passes away! Then how long to wait so people wont gossip. I have not told anyone about this or confronted my dad. I am physically ill and I am so scared. Did you have children with him? I guess I just want to know if they accepted her. I am sorry to ask you this. I jut don't know what my future holds. The only thing that is certain for me is that my mom is going to die and my dad is a lying cheater with another woman. All I do is cry. I feel like I have lost both my parents. My mom to colon cancer and my dad to another woman that I dont even know.

Sara, I am so very sad to hear that you have to have this burden on top of what your mom is going through. What stage is your mom and what type of treatment is she receiving? Does your family receive any type of counselling? Or if not, is it available through wherever your mother is getting treatment? Going to family counselling, or having that type of support yourself sounds like it might be really helpful. I'm sure that a counselor who deals with cancer patients will understand what you are going through and may be able to provide you with some good advice. At the very least, a way for you to be able to get it out and have support yourself. As a mother myself, the idea of what my son faces emotionally is of utmost importance to me. Cancer isn't easy on anyone, that's for sure. You don't have to face this on your own.

I won't try to say something to make it better, I will just say that we're here for you, and will send lots of hugs and prayers your way. Keep us posted.
--Tracy

[stu]

Oh Sara, that's a lot to keep to yourself. We are here if that helps in any way.
Difficult days for sure,
Stu

[jhocno197]

Sara, I am so sorry. This is just horrible.