How to cope with an "affair" when terminally ill (sorry, it's long)

[peanut_8]

Hi Orissa,
I like the fact that you wrote the letter. It helps to get your feelings time to coagulate and lets you formulate a plan. However, I do think that holding on to it for a while might be a good idea. If after you have had a few counseling sessions you still want to give it to him, perhaps with a few modifications, then you could.

Correct me if I'm wrong, butt I think you have a short term goal of wanting your husband to be trustworthy and to be there for you when you need him. It's crazy to think that he's out socializing when you're home sick, and taking care of your daughter.

I'm not sure that asking him to basically cut off contact with his coworker is a good idea. Since they work together that may be difficult. It seems to me like that worry would always be in the back of your mind., and you would have to take his word for it that he had or hadn't spoken with her.

And then for another thing, if you get rid of this one (probably the most polite thing we can call her), who's to say there won't be another one next week or next month.

I'm going to reference BS's advice again. It seems like his main problem is his inability to cope with the current situation. Have you discussed professional counseling with him? I'm sure that he is struggling also, and hasn't made the best choices. Counseling can really help him in this regard.

Then I'm thinking you have a long term goal of insuring the best future for your daughter and husband. Counseling can give him coping strategies to help all of you.

I really wish you didn't have to deal with crap like this at this time. Cancer sucks.

Best Wishes, peanut

[bitchslapped]

And then for another thing, if you get rid of this one (probably the most polite thing we can call her), who's to say there won't be another one next week or next month.

Then I'm thinking you have a long term goal of insuring the best future for your daughter and husband. Counseling can give him coping strategies to help all of you.

Spot on. Important points peanut.

If I had a rash on both arms, but not enough cream for both, I'd probably spread it ever so thin on both arms rather than treat just one.
(Don't ask me where that came from )

BS

[Val*pal]

First, let me say that I can't begin to know how you must feel. Facing a terminal illness and also your husband's new friendship must be overwhelming. You need to put yourself first. I don't know what that means for you, but you do have to think of what will bring you peace.

My first marriage ended in divorce when I discovered he was having an affair, so I do know what it feels like to realize someone you love is turning to someone else.

Second, I just want to say that we are all fallible human beings. Your husband is going through a great deal as well watching helplessly as you face an uncertain future. I can see why he has reached out to someone for distraction or support. I was the caregiver to my husband who died almost two years ago from colon cancer. The stress, anxiety, and isolation were real effects on me, and I found myself reaching out to others just to talk. I didn't reach out to another man, but I can see how that might happen. I know that what I felt in no way, shape, or form was as traumatic as my husband's experience, but there are ongoing problems for the spouse. The helplessness made me feel ineffective and "evil" in some ways. I wasn't the one with the diagnosis and I sensed that was a line that kept me separate from his experience.

There are no fairy tales in this life. While we hope to do the best for others, we all fall prey to competing needs and emotions. We also hope that the person we love most will be there for us unconditionally in our neediest times, but I don't think that always happen. I've come to believe that no matter how much we love others, our journey on this planet is ours alone. No one else can know what we're really thinking and feeling, especially in times when both are suffering.

A few days before my husband died, I said to him that I realized he must feel completely alone. He got tears in his eyes and nodded. No matter how much I wanted to help him, I knew I couldn't bridge the sadness he was experiencing. To this day I am haunted by thoughts that I should have done more.

I think your husband continues to love you. It's just that terminal illness is so damned complicated and emotionally draining.

[Ragman]

There is a lot of sage advice here and, Orissia, this is a brutal, terrible situation you are in. No doubt about it. I don't have any answers, and it is really hard for outsiders to give advice when they don't have a good handle on the real situation. Nevertheless, I wanted to put forward one or two thoughts.

1st. We don't know for certain whether the relationship is platonic, whether he is having an emotional affair, etc. We also don't know whether he is simply 'struggling' with ways to support you or if he has simply checked out emotionally from your marriage. But I do know this -- if he is still invested in the marriage and wants to support you, then he will be open to counseling and/or other way(s) of bridging the emotional gap that currently exists between you. On the other hand, if he is no longer emotionally invested or willing to put in the work to be the kind of husband and caregiver that you need right now, then no amount of prodding, counseling, demanding, pleading, etc. will change it.

Look, sometimes people are just not that complicated when it comes to motivation. If he wants to make the effort, and is invested in making the marriage work during this extremely difficult time, then you will see it. It should be crystal clear to you. Even if he is struggling in finding ways to support you, you will see and sense that effort. And if he doesn't want to put in the effort, then you will see and sense that too. In essence, you can't force anyone to be a 'good' spouse or caregiver if their heart is not in it. When it comes down to it, a man will do almost anything for the woman he loves, and I mean almost anything (including ditching the work 'friend'). It really is just that simple.

2nd. This is not an even dynamic between the two of you. You and your husband are NOT on equal footing. You are fighting for your life and he is...well... I am not sure what he is doing. Either way, I doubt that -- if you are unhappy with him -- you have the physical, emotional, and perhaps financial assets to simply divorce or separate from him. I certainly hope you do, but most people in our situation would not be able to handle a divorce/separation and everything that comes with it in the midst of a debilitating illness. Perhaps you have wonderful friends and family nearby that could step in and help you if the situation went south. But for many of us struggling with cancer, this is simply not an option. If I ever progress (or regress?) to stage IV, I do not want to spend what little energy or potentially time left on this earth on a separation or divorce, and I really hope such a situation does not come to pass. In short, I think it is important for all of us to realize that the power dynamics in these situations are never equal.

Like I said, I don't have any answers. I thank my stars that I have a wife who is a wonderful caregiver and then some. But I also have had the experience with a long-term girlfriend when I had cancer at 20 who "stuck it out" for me, but who clearly was no longer emotionally invested in me or the relationship. She had checked out soon after my diagnosis, but I was so scared I clutched to any small ounce of "love" or "compassion" that I could squeeze out of her. It was heartbreaking and brutal and deep down I knew the truth. The more I reached out to her the more she pulled away. I realize of course that a marriage and a relationship as a 20-year old are not at all on the same scale. But I have experienced first-hand the "invested" lover/caregiver and the "checked out" lover/caregiver.

Hang in there as best you can -- do what is best for you.

[mymom]

Hi. I am so so sorry you are going through that.
I am not the sick one, my mother is. That said if you do not mind I do have some thoughts. My mother was diagnosed may 13, 2011 (her 5 year is tomorrow). My husband was struggling with alcoholism at the time since 2009. From about 2010-march 2012 he was having an emotional affair with his co worker and then April 2012-April 2015 he was having a three year affair - very intense, in love with her, sexual- with his first cousin. Yes, his first cousin who will always 'be in the family'. I knew the last two years of the affair but it took me until April 2015 to prove it (that's a whole other story how I nailed him:-)). This all said, he started REHAB April 2015 and is still sober today (working his 12 steps).

I tell you this because I know the betrayal you feel. It eats at you and the trust is not there and you blame yourself at times and you second guess what you could have done differently and you wonder what they did together and why, etc etc. I was very very and still are bitter because I was dealing with my moms cancer as it was and had to deal with his alcoholism getting worse and trying to prove the affair.

This said, I can not imagine how you feel since YOU were sick during this time.

Checking his phone and texts and emails- you go for it. The bottom line is until he builds your trust back you have that right. You should also perhaps see a therapist if you are able, it helps. Trust me. Survivinginfedelity.com is an amazing website. There are some angry people on there but if you read the original posts at least and take some of the replys with a grain of salt, it is a great resource.

LASTLY- I highly highly recommend the book After the Affair. It describes all types of affairs- emotional, sexual, etc and how to heal.

it has been a bit over a year for me and I am still a mess at times but we are still together. I truly think his alcoholism was the reason he did what he did. Our marriage broke down due to the alcoholism and he needed that companionship in his dark hours. There is NO excuse for it however.

If you choose to try and forgive (and it will take a long time)- read After the Affair, join survivinginfedelity.com and perhaps see a therapist.

good luck. so sorry he broke your heart.

[Orissia]

Thank you all for your insightful comments. I may not have agreed with the tone and/or opinions of all of them but each and every one has helped me think a little bit clearer.

I sent my husband the letter and we had a long chat. He understood why and agreed that he had to cut all contact with his co-worker except for strictly work purposes. He also understood why he had to explain to HER the effects their continued friendship (even if just informal and strictly platonic) has on ME.

He spoke with her the next day and she said she understood.

It's a huge stressor off my shoulders, finally!

I will still go to counselling next week, but my husband realises he may need some too as he feels so much fear for me and my health. We are both English and counselling does not come naturally to either of us. It will take him time...

[dianetavegia]

This is heartbreaking and not funny, but the imp in me would suggest you take your daughter to Krispy Kreme for breakfast, get a bag of candy at the store, make sure you let her drink any soda she might want (encourage her to spill some on her shirt early enough that it has time to dry) and then drop by Daddy's office to surprise him and take him to lunch. Nothing like an 8 year old hyped up on sugar to scare off a single gal with no kids. Oh, and if you get to meet said 'gal', I'd say 'Bobby has told me ALL ABOUT YOU', it's good to finally meet you in person. You're not at all like he described you.

(I know...... I'm evil)

I'm glad y'all are talking.

[Nik Colon]

And, more dangerously, it's making me want to stop treatment and simply let nature take its course because dying sooner would be easier
than dealing with "us" and "you and her".

So it's best I talk it out with a qualified person and get their help and advice.

This is so not the way to go, Orissia. The part about stopping treatment is emotional blackmail and you are on very
shaky ground now.

I suggest you get your mother to take care of your daughter.

I have been sitting on my reply, but I feel the need to say it. Your reply was cruel. Obviously you do not understand depression. I think YOU need to look it up or ask a specialist before you say something. I know from personal experience as being clinically depressed and on meds, but also losing my brother to suicide and best friend to accidental od cuz she also had issues. So please think, read, ask, etc, before you reply to something such as this! That is just heartless imo

[Sophy]

I find all this advice to concentrate on yourself and what you personally want to be rather strange. Maybe I have not understood your prognosis but it looks as though you have metastatic disease.

I know that as I have metastatic bowel cancer I will probably die from it. Since finding out this my concern has not been making myself happy, it has been trying to leave my family in the best situation to cope with my death.

I would be pleased that my husband is finding happiness and mental satisfaction with another woman. I want him and my children to be happy in the future after they have mourned my death.

Why would I want them to suffer after I die because I trained them to only be happy with me? If I really love them then I will spend the time I have left encouraging them to be happy with me and also without me. To let them know that when I am no longer there with them physically I will be so happy they find a new love.

When our beloved dog died I explained to my children that giving love to our new dog was not a betrayal - it was honouring the old dog, realising how much happiness she had brought us and that she would be glad we were happy with a future dog.

Whoops, looks like I just compared myself to an old dog.

Sophy

[Orissia]

Sophy, earlier this year I tried to imagine if I could simply let this whole thing go and give his friendship my blessing as I knew I was on the way out. But it was too hard for me. I have grown up with the strong belief in monogamy and having my husband see another woman while I am still alive jars greatly with me on all levels: morally, physically, emotionally, psychologically. It would also hurt all the other people we love such as my mother, mother-in-law, extended family... If I'd allowed him to continue his friendship with this woman I'd have felt uncherished, unloved even, and very lonely. I want to feel that I am the only woman in my husband's life. Call me old-fashioned... Also, my daughter would have been very confused as open relationships in our circle are unknown. So I stepped away from that possibility. He can find someone new when I am dead. At least he will have his life of choices.

For now, he's agreed that he was morally in the wrong --even though (as he still insists, and I believe) his friendship was platonic, a relief from the magnitude of my illness, and not the typical kind of affair that many people suffer-- and he has severed all non-work-essential communications with this woman. Moreover, he has been clear with her why their friendship has to end and its impact on me. So now, already I feel my anxiety has lifted greatly.

We have still much to work on (we both need to learn how to deal with my deterioration, he needs to learn how not to escape me/detach when things get rough) but at least a major stressor --friendship with the co-worker-- is gone.

[bitchslapped]

Why Diane, Who would have known you could be so ? I love it!

Orissia, That is a perfect example of why it is difficult to give advice re: the relationship of others. Glad the letter to your DH worked for your particular situation. However, given the stress for you & DH recently, counseling for both of you could be viewed as a temporary tool for however long it serves a useful purpose.

AND to Sophy, I applaud your response in keeping things diverse here on CT. Looking @ your signature, you certainly have had quite a stressful journey for you & your family, no doubt, to attain your current NED status. All w/3 young kids. My gosh, truly a success story; the kind we hope for every one of our CT members. I am curious, though, at what point during your journey as outlined in your signature, that you gave or would have given your DH the "go ahead" to take his focus off you & the kids & begin sourcing your replacement as wife & mother.

JMO, that happy, sad, joy, sorrow are a normal spectrum of the human experience on this planet & though no one wants their loved ones to experience the negative, especially our children, there is no ying w/o the yang. It is all part of personal growth together in the relationship between the remaining parent & children. To suggest that another "love interest" is the answer to the loss of an integral member of the family unit can certainly be confusing to young children vs pulling in the support of those friends & family members already in place. Grieving is a necessary process toward healing that should not be denied. All in due time.

BS

[KimT]

Should I be in a situation where I was terminal, I would do everything in my power to see that my family is ok after my death. That would never include moving aside and allowing my husband to find another woman before I am dead. In a marriage, for the most part one person will outlive the other. I'm sorry he's having a hard time dealing with your illness but he's being a tool. Shortly after my diagnosis, an old boyfriend of mine reached out to me on Facebook. He had run into my mother and heard about my diagnosis. I hadn't heard from him in nearly 18 years. It wasn't a bad split up, just a moving on type of breakup. I friended him on Facebook and we exchanged occasional private messages. My husband used the computer after me and my Facebook was left up. He read the messages. I never tried to hide them. My Facebook is always logged in on my devices. Hi was ticked. He unfriended this old boyfriend and we had a row over it. Now my husbands reaction was the over the top in my opinion. Even though these few messages were no big deal to me, they were to him and his perception was that hat it was inappropriate. It's done. I have not communicated with him since. He sent me a new friend request and I blocked him. While, I thought my husbands reaction was a little crazy, im not going to upset my husband for the sake of a guy I dated nearly 20 years ago. I'm a little embarrassed by what my husband did in unfriendling him and I'm sure he wondered what happened. But I don't owe him an explanation. I think the fact that your husband is concerned about this other woman's feelings is a red flag. Why should this woman's feelings trump your own? I think it does boil down to not feeling cherished or loved. I don't think it's selfish to want to be cherished, especially when you are facing a terminal prognosis. It doesn't mean that you don't want your husband to be happy and move on after you're gone. I just don't think it's wrong to want your marriage to mean something, you know? My mom died in June 2013 after a 10 month battle with leukemia. Shortly after she was diagnosed, she fell so I'll from the chemo that she ended up on a ventilator. We didn't know if she would make it. She pulled through that one. My sister snapped a picture of my parents on their 40th anniversary, just a day or two after she came off the ventilator. She was still in icu. In the pic, she is doing a breathing treatment. My dad is standing at her bed, leaning over the bed rail looking at her and she at him. What is stunning about the picture is the love. You can just see the love of 40 years in the way they are looking at each other. It's my favorite picture of my parents. The last 10 months of my mothers life were hard but also so good. We packed in a lot of love in those 10 months. I know my mom would never have wanted any of us not to move on after her death. But it is comforting to me that she left this world knowing how much she was cherished. Your husband is being selfish and your feelings are not wrong. I would never presume to give advice on what you should do. But info think the idea that you should be concerned about your husbands happiness to the point of being willing to let him find his new love before you die is crazy.

[canadiandaughter]

I guess I am a traditionalist here. I believe in until death do us part and all of the rest of my vows. I get the argument that its ok to see your spouse set up and happy to give you peace of mind, but I don't think that is a good message to send to the kids. They need to see mom or dad loving and supporting the other until the end. Vows are to be taken seriously. I can't help but think that both parties will have regrets, you as your time here comes close to an end and your spouse either then or after. You cannot get that time back and I think it is also part of the grieving process for the kids. They need to see their parent being loved right until the end, not shoved off and forgotten for a new person. They might have problems emotionally later on as well. I really hope that your counseling helps you and your husband out and am so thankful that you are getting some help. Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. Take care.

[Orissia]

canadiandaughter I absolutely agree. This is why I have insisted my husband cut all non-essential contact with his co-worker off. Till death do us part is an important part of the morality of our marriage; moreover, all the shit that goes along with terminal cancer is also part of life. My husband should not be off gallivanting with a co-worker to dinner, lunch, etc in order to get some "normalcy" in his life while I lay home ill and alone. He can have normalcy when I'm dead. Right now this is normal life.

Till death do us part
In sickness and in health

These are wonderfully powerful vows and living them provide a great example to our daughter.

[Orissia]

Ragman your post earlier has really struck a cord with me. Thank you.