Postby Ragman » Thu May 12, 2016 3:12 pm
There is a lot of sage advice here and, Orissia, this is a brutal, terrible situation you are in. No doubt about it. I don't have any answers, and it is really hard for outsiders to give advice when they don't have a good handle on the real situation. Nevertheless, I wanted to put forward one or two thoughts.
1st. We don't know for certain whether the relationship is platonic, whether he is having an emotional affair, etc. We also don't know whether he is simply 'struggling' with ways to support you or if he has simply checked out emotionally from your marriage. But I do know this -- if he is still invested in the marriage and wants to support you, then he will be open to counseling and/or other way(s) of bridging the emotional gap that currently exists between you. On the other hand, if he is no longer emotionally invested or willing to put in the work to be the kind of husband and caregiver that you need right now, then no amount of prodding, counseling, demanding, pleading, etc. will change it.
Look, sometimes people are just not that complicated when it comes to motivation. If he wants to make the effort, and is invested in making the marriage work during this extremely difficult time, then you will see it. It should be crystal clear to you. Even if he is struggling in finding ways to support you, you will see and sense that effort. And if he doesn't want to put in the effort, then you will see and sense that too. In essence, you can't force anyone to be a 'good' spouse or caregiver if their heart is not in it. When it comes down to it, a man will do almost anything for the woman he loves, and I mean almost anything (including ditching the work 'friend'). It really is just that simple.
2nd. This is not an even dynamic between the two of you. You and your husband are NOT on equal footing. You are fighting for your life and he is...well... I am not sure what he is doing. Either way, I doubt that -- if you are unhappy with him -- you have the physical, emotional, and perhaps financial assets to simply divorce or separate from him. I certainly hope you do, but most people in our situation would not be able to handle a divorce/separation and everything that comes with it in the midst of a debilitating illness. Perhaps you have wonderful friends and family nearby that could step in and help you if the situation went south. But for many of us struggling with cancer, this is simply not an option. If I ever progress (or regress?) to stage IV, I do not want to spend what little energy or potentially time left on this earth on a separation or divorce, and I really hope such a situation does not come to pass. In short, I think it is important for all of us to realize that the power dynamics in these situations are never equal.
Like I said, I don't have any answers. I thank my stars that I have a wife who is a wonderful caregiver and then some. But I also have had the experience with a long-term girlfriend when I had cancer at 20 who "stuck it out" for me, but who clearly was no longer emotionally invested in me or the relationship. She had checked out soon after my diagnosis, but I was so scared I clutched to any small ounce of "love" or "compassion" that I could squeeze out of her. It was heartbreaking and brutal and deep down I knew the truth. The more I reached out to her the more she pulled away. I realize of course that a marriage and a relationship as a 20-year old are not at all on the same scale. But I have experienced first-hand the "invested" lover/caregiver and the "checked out" lover/caregiver.
Hang in there as best you can -- do what is best for you.
44 yr. old male w/family to live for
Rhabdomyosarcoma - Stage III -- dx 21yrs old -- 1991 & 1992 (surgeries, chemo, & rad)
Colon Cancer - Stage IIC -- 2014
Small bowel and Transverse colon resection -- 2014 (w/adjuvant chemo in 2015)
2nd primary discovered in colon - 2015
Total colectomy w/ileorectal anastomosis - February 2016
*More cumulative exposure to radiation in my life than a resident of Nagasaki in 1945*
"You are only as healthy as you feel" - Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver