Relationships

[Andrea1976]

Please forgive me but can I "vent"???
My husband of 20 years was trying to convinced not to go to ER while I was heavily bleading. He even called one of his nurses to convince me. I have never been to ER before. He complained that I am "wasting his componie's money". He even argued with the stuff not to pay the bill. So happy that I went.

Ha, ha. I feel much better to get all this out. And now trying to delete what I posted and it doesn't let me... Sorry that you have to read this...

[Pat]

He sounds emotionally abusive...I hope you have other people that are more supportive of you. I was in that type of a marriage; I simply stopped talking & went on with my life.

[Andrea1976]

Life is life...

[Nik Colon]

Wasting his companies money! That's what insurance is for! That's why we pay for it, to be able to use it when we need it! Don't feel bad for venting, we all need to at times. Hugs

[Andrea1976]

Thank you both. Originally I posted a long list to vent but deleted most of it. What hurt me the most was his whistling and being happy the day after my diagnoses. When I was crying tgat my kids will not have me. He said that they don't need me anymore... He was also "kidding around" that he can remarry and start new family. And when I was crying that I will not be in his life after I die. He responded why would I care??? But to his defense I am sure I play role in it. He says that I always play the victim. But wouldn't most of 39 year olds be shaken with Cancer diagnosis. I don't cry infront of the kids. Actually I only cried few times infront of him since diagnoses. I carry on all my responsibilities. Kids don't know my diagnoses and we don't argue infront of them. I am don't show affections towards my husband. But I am hurt... But I guess our relationship was like this before my disgnoses. He said that he doesn't want to deal with it. I don't have anybody else - no family except my mom. But she lives in Europe.

[Andrea1976]

Pat,
Thanks for your comment. Sorry about your marriage. I didn't think about it this way. But I also carry on my own. He is hardly at home anyway... If I would ever need treatment I would have to drive myself or hire somebody - maybe über to get there...

[Delinda2]

I'm so sorry, you deserve loving support, not his sick "jokes". From now on come here & let us give you the attention, support, and affection you need. Not the same as a spouse, but very real. And children always need their parents. Our son is almost 30 & no, he doesn't need me to change diapers, but he will ALWAYS need me. He proudly tells people that he is a "Mama's boy" and always will be. You might think about talking with the kids in an age appropriate conversation about your health. Kids know when something is wrong & feel scared, betrayed, and like they are to blame. Good luck & hope hubby gains some compassion. I'de be proud to be your Auntie Dee since you don't have any family. Let us know how it goes. XXOXO, Delinda

[Andrea1976]

Thank you Dee!!!:-) Your son is lucky to have you!!! as I said I am sure it's my fault as well. If I think about it on deeper level. My husband is extremely smart almost on the genius level and workaholic and suscesful in his career. Our daughter is also extremely gifted academically but struggles little social. She is a great athlete and that helps her in social setting. Our son is high function on Autism level but struggles at school. But he is mama's boy for sure:-) My husband has never really had any friends that I know of. And we are together over 20 years. He is not able or interested to maintain relationships - I don't think it's inportant to him. I am average on smartness but love learning languages and speak 4 of them:-) raising my kids bilengual. I see that I am "venting" all the way today...

[Delinda2]

Sweetie, trust me, it is NOT your fault that your hubby is emotionally abusive. This type of bully gets away with saying mean & hurtful things by claiming they are joking, therefore your hurt feelings invalid. Bull pucky! Everyone I know would be crushed if their spouse spoke to them that way. It's none of my business, but in my humble opinion, this guy is a class A jerk & is just plain mean. It is not your fault!!

[Andrea1976]

Thank you. I am trying to focus on my kids and health. Best luck to you and many healthy years!!!

[stpio]

You need to take care of yourself and your children. Do what is best for you in your situation!
When I was diagnosed in 2007, all the signs were there but I set them aside until I completed chemotherapy. He used my illness to get sympathy, told everyone I was dying and he needed to find a new mom for our children. Meanwhile, I took care of my children during treatment all alone. Other things occurred too but I'll save that for a tell-all one day. I sent him divorce papers after completing treatment. Of course on the day of my divorce 2 years later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Everything happens for a reason.
Be strong and positive!

[WriterGirl1969]

When I was crying tgat my kids will not have me. He said that they don't need me anymore... He was also "kidding around" that he can remarry and start new family. And when I was crying that I will not be in his life after I die. He responded why would I care??? But to his defense I am sure I play role in it. He says that I always play the victim. But wouldn't most of 39 year olds be shaken with Cancer diagnosis.

No need to play the victim when you already are one! It's great that you're willing to admit you're not perfect, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. My ex was emotionally abusive. He would say things like "you think you're so abused, I'll show you abuse." or "how could anyone love this?" (indicating me). He'd rip me apart emotionally for *hours* and then when I was too exhausted to continue he would accuse me of walking away. I felt like you. I felt I was partly to blame because I yelled back, or said things to set him off. One day I had a long talk with my sister-in-law who was married to his brother. She said one time when she was pregnant, he yelled at her and backed her into a closet until she was sitting on the floor. When she went for her pre-natal doctor's appt afterwards, the doctor told her that her blood pressure had gotten so high it could have killd both her and the baby. That was when it clicked with me that verbal abuse *IS* physical abuse. All the same symptoms can be seen in both.

While I applaud you for keeping a calm front for your children, I would ask myself this. If your child was in a relationship with someone who said these kinds of things to them, what advice would you give your child?

You are worthy of love! You are worthy of compassion! You deserve to be treated humanely, and live in a safe, loving and fear-free environment. I will pray very hard that you find some relief, some peace, and that God works on your husband's heart to show him how wrong this is. Because it is wrong.

Hugs and prayers.
--Tracy

[Andrea1976]

Stpio,
Thank you for sharing your story. So happy to hear that you are 9 years out of colon cancer and were able to get out of abusive marriage. Stage I breast cancer must be scary but the survival is 100% so you are going to do great! I was recently tested for genetic link between colon and breast cancer / my mom and her sister both had it at age 50. I will be closely monitored for breast cancer.

Tracy,
Thank you! Great that you left your marriage. I feel scared and don't want to make any changes. I want the kids to have their father in case I am not here. I know it would be a really nasty divorce. In 4 years my older one will go to college. I think if I am healthy I can start making changes once both of the kids will be in college...now I don't want to deal with it. Plus I would be alone anyway... I don't want see another guy in my life:-)

[stpio]

Dear Andrea1976,
I tested negative for every colon cancer and breast cancer gene. Oncologist said it was just a case of bad luck. On the bright side, my daughters are aware they need to have a colonoscopy and mammography to prevent a cancer diagnosis. I worry about them always.

[Andrea1976]

I tested negative for both as well. My friend who by the way looks amazing / you would never guess that such a healthy looking 50 year old has survived both colon and breast cancer. It's weird that women get both in her case 2 years apart.
I am the 1st from my family who ever had colonoscopy. Nobody has even been screened for colon and nobody ever had it.