The Toll That Cancer Takes On Relationships

[Julie YW]

Hi,

After dealing with this disease for almost 3 years and going through all the phases with more to come, I've come to hate, absolutely hate, the facades that cancer patients and their caregivers put up. There are images people like to put up (whether cancer related or not) that are blatant lies and don't address any of the real emotions that come with a cancer diagnosis and a life that is consumed by cancer. Phrases like "You got this," "Cancer will never define me," "There's always hope," all meaningless trite statements. I'm too much of a realist for all that shit.

I started my blog weeks after my diagnosis so I could write the truth about every aspect of having cancer. And now, I'm known for that brutal honesty and my writing resonates with people.

In this one I write about my relationship with my husband (as well as the feelings of insanity I've been experiencing because of recent medical developments). It's really struck a chord with people so I wanted to share here. No one ever talks about their relationships and the stresses that cancer places on those relationships.

https://julieyipwilliams.wordpress.com/ ... /insanity/

Julie

[Lydia666]

I know Julie, right on! I have a lot of anger built up and i often take it on my husband. It's a mess.

[MDK]

Cancer is a crap shoot. You may have treatment, do everything the good doctors tell you, take your treatments and die in two years. You may do nothing - and die in two years.

From the moment of your diagnosis, your life changes. Everything changes. Your perspective changes, the color of the leaves changes, the tone of your voice.

To all of the people who have told me to be positive - I want to tell them I have cancer. You be positive.

Yes Julie yes. I don't know what the outcome will be for me. At this point, I have no hope.

I wish you peace - the thing that would help the most but is impossible to find.

[ams5796]

I just finished reading the blog post and find you to be amazing, impressive, brilliant and so very special. The first words I thought of when I finished reading it were "This is so not fair." But, I don't need to tell you that. I wish you peace and love.



Ann

[BrownBagger]

My cousin is a Methodist minister. He does couples counseling as part of his job. He says most problems are related to sex, money and the kids--and usually some combination of the three.

Cancer doesn't make any of these things easier, for sure, but your age just might. In my case, money isn't a big issue, our kids are grown and sex is not nearly the priority that it once was. Despite the tolls that cancer exacts, that's probably why my wife and I are still married.

[Ron50]

My wife unfortunately could not handle anything to do with cancer. She could not stand the chemo clinic and refused to go with me .I found it quite confronting myself. She asked me to leave giving the reason that she was sick of me being sick, so was I. She asked me to leave , not she was leaving, so there went the house. I can understand her feelings . Cancer surgery and chemo left me without sexual function. I have lived alone ever since. It is not a great existence. I was 49 when I was dxed I am now past 66 with a lot of chronic health problems (19 at last count) . I would be nice if someone had my back if I am too sick to help myself but that's life and it won't change now. Cancer sucks ,Ron.

[crazylife]

Ron,

Did you have stage IV? You are a long term survivor! Congrats and be proud of your accomplishment.

[Ron50]

Hi Crazylife,
I had an aggressive stage 3c tumour in my transverse and descending colon. My surgeon only just caught it before it reached the fatty tissue at the base of the flange. It was only a small tumour but it had raced thru six of the thirteen nodes in the field. He gave me no hope ,from experience of similar cancers he just said to aggressive too many nodes , do what you really want to do now because you probably only have three years max. I had 48 sessions of weekly chemo and have had no sign of cancer since. Cheers Ron.

[Jacques]

... I started my blog weeks after my diagnosis so I could write the truth about every aspect of having cancer...

Julie, have you considered publishing your blog as a Kindle book? It might be worthwhile looking into this option.

Kindle Direct Publishing
https://kdp.amazon.com/

Since your blog posts are already in digital format, it shouldn’t be too difficult to convert them into a Kindle book. I think there are a few on-line desktop publishing tools (apps) that can help you transfer your 90 blog posts into 90 chapters of an e-book!

1. 'Courage and Love' (June 15th, 2016)
2. 'Chipper' (June 2nd, 2016)
3. 'Insanity' (April 16th, 2016)
4. 'Living' (March 20th, 2016)
5. 'Ghosts'(February 9th, 2016)
6. 'Pride' (January 4th, 2016)
7. 'A Good Life' (November 6th, 2015)
8. 'Isabelle (Part 2)' (September 25th 2015)
9. 'Isabelle (Part 1)' (September 18th, 2015)
10. 'Solitude' (August 3rd, 2015)
11. 'Progression' (July 23rd, 2015)
12. 'How Far I’ve Come' (July 2nd, 2015)
13. 'Dreams Reborn' (June 26th, 2015)
14. 'Invincibility' (May 29th, 2015)
15. 'Stability' (May 5th, 2015)
16. 'Lessons From Hawaii' (April 11th, 2015)
17. 'Julie Fruit Flies And Julie Mice' (March 13th, 2015)
18. 'A Shared Humanity' (March 6th, 2015)
19. 'A Day In My Life' (February 25th, 2015)
20. 'Alternative Treatments And More' (February 24th, 2015)
21. 'Not In Denial: How One Tiger Mom Is Confronting Stage 4 Cancer' (February 17th, 2015)
22. 'Dreams Coming True' (February 13th, 2015)
23. 'Please Don't Forget Us' (February 3rd, 2015)
24. 'From Darkness to Strength' (January 6th, 2015)
25. 'The Cancer is In My Lungs' (December 20th, 2014)
26. 'What Now?' (December 8th, 2014)
27. 'The Next Move' (November 20th, 2014)
28. 'Dominos Falling' (November 4th, 2014)
29. 'WOOHOO!' (November 3rd, 2014)
30. 'Dying Young' (October 29th, 2014)
31. 'Second Look' (October 26th, 2014)
32. 'Gratitude, Scan Results and More Decisions' (October 12th, 2014)
33. 'Video From Cleary Fundraiser' (September 23rd, 2014)
34. 'Going Public' (September 23rd, 2014)
35. 'A Love Story' (September 19th, 2014)
36. 'The Hand of God' (September 14th, 2014)
37. 'Randomness' (August 19th, 2014)
38. 'Farewell My Friend' (July 28th, 2014)
39. 'An Intermission For An Update On The Realities Of Life With Cancer' (July 22nd, 2014)
40. 'A Nightmare' (July 7th, 2014)
41. 'Shaping a Legacy' (June 25th, 2014)
42. 'The Secret' (June 2nd, 2014)
43. 'I am Lost' (May 19th, 2014)
44. 'Obstruction' (May 1st, 2014)
45. 'Silence and Stillness' (April 21st, 2014)
46. 'Surgery and Recovery' (March 31st, 2014)
47. 'Hope Everlasting' (March 12th, 2014)
48. 'The Juxtaposition of Life And Death' (March 7th, 2014)
49. 'The Decision and More' (February 28th, 2014)
50. 'Some Bad News And Some Good News Maybe' (February 28th, 2014)
51. 'You Must Be So Happy' (February 4th, 2014)
52. 'Fight With Me' (February 3rd, 2014)
53. 'More Drama At Chemo' (February 3rd, 2014)
54. 'The Crossroads Of The World' (January 31st, 2014)
55. 'Slipping The Surly Bonds Of Earth To Touch The Face Of God' (January 10th, 2014)
56. 'A Dance Between Two Worlds' (January 7th, 2014)
57. 'The Marvels Of Acupuncture' (December 19th, 2013)
58. 'The Holidays' (December 16th, 2013)
59. 'Parenting With Cancer Another Battle' (December 4th, 2013)
60. 'Drama At Chemo' (November 26th, 2013)
61. 'Hiking - A Metaphor' (November 22nd, 2013)
62. 'The First Defeat' (November 12th, 2013)
63. 'Filial Love (Part 1)' (November 6th, 2013)
64. 'Filial Love (Part 2) (November 6th, 2013)
65. 'In Honor of Our Anniversary' (October 30th, 2013)
    
66. 'CEA, PET, MRI' (October 22nd, 2013)
67. 'An Adventure With The Chinese Medicine Man' (October 16th, 2013)
68. 'The Bliss In Making The Journey Alone' (October 11th, 2013)
69. 'The Art Of Anger' (October 7th, 2013)
70. 'Invictus' (September 30th, 2013)
71. 'Moments of Happiness' (September 27th, 2013)
72. 'Here We Go Again' (September 23rd, 2013)
73. 'Faith - A Lesson Of History' (September 20th, 2013)
74. 'Deals With God' (September 18th, 2013)
75. 'CEA and D.C. - Some Good Things' (September 16th, 2013)
76. 'For All My Fitness Instructors, Past and Present' (September 14th, 2013)
77. 'Splendor In The Grass and Glory In The Flower' (September 9th, 2013)
78. 'No Man Is An Island' (September 6th, 2013)
79. 'Dreams Forsaken' (September 3rd, 2013)
80. 'Numbers Mean Squat' (August 30th, 2013)
81. 'Swallowing Glass And Piercing Needles' (August 28th, 2013))
82. 'Armor On!' (August 25th, 2013)
83. 'Death, I'm Not Afraid Of You' (August 23rd, 2013)
84. 'I'm Not Crazy' (August 21st, 2013)
85. '4 lbs In 1 Week' (August 20th, 2013)
86. 'Coming Back And Getting Real' (August 20th, 2013)
87. 'It's Stage IV Colon Cancer' (August 20th, 2013)
88. 'What Was Removed - Don't Look If You're Gonna Be Queasy' (August 19th, 2013)
89. 'In The Beginning' (August 19th, 2013)
90. 'My First Blog Post' (August 19th, 2013)
    

Maybe you could ask Josh to look into this possibility to see if it would work for you. In this way you could make your writings available to a wider audience and create a permanent, digital copy of your work.

There are several members here who have already converted their blogs to Kindle format.

[OrchardWriting]

A few things came to mind reading this post and the responses.

One is the memory of my ex-wife taking me to court right after my surgery (she had been so abusive before that that my oncologist assigned me a social worker to help with just her abuse) so that I had to borrow a few thousand from my brother and parents to hire a lawyer. She accused me of lying about my cancer and treatment and wanted money. Then after my third chemo round and not nearly healed from surgery I had to sit in a court room as my fate was being decided. Fortunately, the judge didn't buy her line and things turned out okay.

The next thought is wondering what kept me going. The answer is love. I had to live for my kids because they needed me and still do. When I feel myself turning to a dark place, love for them pulls me up. And love helps push back despair because the two cannot completely exist at the same time.

I also learned that some people can be very unreliable and even cruel when you are at your most vulnerable and that there is nothing I can do to control them, determine their choices or get them to stop. I have to focus only on those things that I can do for myself and those people who bring light into my life.

The last thought is how frustrated I get when I hear other cancer survivors or anyone say that cancer really was a blessing for them because it brought about some positive change. Cancer is not a blessing. The people whom you love, the integrity you bring to the disease, your coping skills are blessings, but as I sit here having been diagnosed stage IV, with an abdomen that is scarred beyond recognition, neuropathy, a permanent colostomy, sexual dysfunction, and living life waiting for the other shoe to land on my head, I know that cancer only takes and is no blessing.

[OrchardWriting]

PS

I'm a writer and I work with people to help them find agents and publishers for their work. I'd love to help (no fee, of course) in any way I can. I think it is long past due for someone to publish a series of essays that are truthful to the point of painful about cancer. No more of this crazy sexy cancer silliness.

[behconsult]

Just my 2 cents....and it is just that.... 2 cents to the cyber cosmos and not personal to anyone. Different journeys for different people with similar diseases.

Cancer sucks. It can be scary, overwhelming and come with or create a lot of stories in our head that victimize my peace. I am waiting a scan about up coming possible mets. I am in a good place with it. If my cancer journey moves to a different level, I will have to revisit my head and spirit again and hopefully be able to get centered again, Will I be able to do this if this indeed the case...I don't know. I have two young kids and I know first hand what it is like to grow up with a father. I have experienced the gamut of emotions on this path and do know for a fact that I could be "crushed" along the way with medical suffering that I would not be able to handle.

I also do know that suffering occurs all around me and in many different ways. Many are difficult to see in other people, but it is there. I know many reasonably healthy people without cancer who suffer as much if not more to other factors. (My wound is worse then that persons??? that is ego talking)

If you say "why me," in your thoughts....you are drinking poison for your mind and spirit. The answer is "why not?" I told my wife...cancer just may turn out to be my life path, and I will still seek to find goodness, kindness and compassion along the way on a daily basis as much as possible. If a person needs to dive in to the pool of darkness for a while and see what is going on, that is OK; just be sure and come out and dry off. I hope my cancer hasn't mets as I have rapid growth in nodes. But either way I will strive to be happy as possible and pray that I get healed. I enclose a quote from from someone who provided me mentoring when I was first diagnosed. This is something he recently wrote about someone else.....

"I know how demoralizing it can be to get well and then get worse again. I do think that taking time to go into the underlying sense of shame and emptiness is a good idea. In the end though, it is not about finding a past story that explains this dark feeling. It is about how you choose to live your life consciously embracing the feeling. Knowing that you can and have been driven by emptiness/shame to ‘earn' the right to feel good about yourself is an important insight. It is true of virtually everyone to one degree or another. This is what I have called them Untamed Feelings. Eventually, they have to be faced. But you can never defeat them; you can only consecrate your life to the kind of person you want to be. Once you do, the dark places become fertilizer for transformation."

Richard Moss, addressing a friend who had an illness, got better and then worse again

[Nik Colon]

Reading everything, it made me think of one of my favorite songs. "Unwell" by Matchbox 20.

https://youtu.be/WziA88-n02k

[Snapfish]

Julie,

You are a wonderful writer, and I am so grateful that you allow people to know the unvarnished version of you. Everyone's journey is different and yet similar in so many ways, and your voice is so very valuable in this crazy world in which we live.

-snapfish

[Jacques]

For those who might be interested, here's a new blog post from Julie YW:
'Courage and Love' (June 15th, 2016)