how would you deal with this remark

[lilmiss82]

Hello to you all,
I don't post often but I do read daily and thank all of you who provide such great advice to us cancer fighters. I would like some advice on how to handle a remark a family member made to my mother while I was on vacation. I was diagnosed with stage 4 rectal cancer in 2009 at the age of 27. As many of you know it has been a very bumpy and challenging road. In fact, my cancer has returned to my right lower lung and I will have to undergo another lobectomy 8 months after my last one. Very few family members know of my recurrent disease since I do not have a very supportive family and do not feel it is my place to "share" my news with those who are not active in my life.
Well here's to my question. My aunt lost her son to a tragic car accident (killed by a senseless drunk driver) more or less around 8 years ago. While I was on vacation with my husband she was in town and my mom (her sister) met each other for lunch at my aunts daughters house. Some how the topic of my terminal illness and how long I've been "fighting" came up. One cousin ignorantly stated that we all die and she can get hit by a car tomorrow and die. Why do I say ignorant you may ask, well because yes, we will all die but with stage 4 cancer it's a constant thought. With each blood test, CT scan, flush of our ports, scars on our bodies and each meeting with our oncologist we are reminded that our car /bus will strike any second, not when we're blinded by our normal everyday life. It's right in front of us (well for me at least) all the time. We'll that's not even the remark that is making seek your advice. My aunt then tells my mom that my death would be easier on my mom since I have stage 4 cancer and we know when my time comes her grief will be less because she has time to say goodbye. WTF! To me that's like saying you will grieve less when old person dies well because they are old and old people die. I just don't understand how someone, especially my aunt who is my godmother could say this? What are your thoughts and how can I responsibly and respectful speak to my cousin and my aunt regarding there ill mannered comments?
-Melissa

[drebay]

You won't be able to change the way they think. My DH lost both his parents in the same year. We were 22. His co-worker told him that he was lucky as he hadn't really gotten to know them so it was easier that way. I would tell her how what she said made you feel, and never deal with her again if she does not apologize. I don't know if that is possible in your situation though.

[lilmiss82]

Wow drebay! That is so cruel and I'm sorry for the loss of your in laws. I'm beginning to believe people speak without even trying to think

[artifact]

First I want you to know Polo grieved mightily for years for all you "kids" as she called you. She saw it as being so especially unfair for you "youngsters". She felt she'd had a good life and that it was not right or ok that this cancer came at the young with such a vengeance. That said, based on my years, I'd say we all live in our little bubbles and we can be so damned insensitive and shortsighted and selfish. I am guilty of doing the same with Polo after 6 and a half years I cried out one day: "Do you think you are the only one who is afraid of dying! My heritage is that I will drop instantly from a heart attack! I live with that fear every day." If it's any consolation I have spent many, many hours feeling horribly guilty and remorseful for all the many, many things I wish I could have done or said differently but in the end, in some small area of saneness I know that we all know how petty and small and scared and stupid and selfish any of us can be. I'm sorry you don't have the support you need. In some small measure I hope you know those of us on the outside of this disease do not want to ever, for one second, believe it is going to win--we don't want to admit it, we refuse to accept it. I think if I were to reinterpret what your aunt said it would be to focus what she probably meant to say which I would guess is: "I wish I would have been able to say goodbye."

[NoFear32]

Wow that is harsh! I would tell your aunt and mother how insensitive that is for her to say something like that about you. Your aunt can obviously feel and say anything she wants, but when she is around you (or your mother) she should keep her opinions to herself if she doesn't have anything compassionate to say!

My mom said something hurtful to me this Christmas. She told my brother and me that we need to be 'extra sensitive' to my 86 year old grandmother feelings about how she has to use a cane now because she is depressed about getting older and not being as young anymore. This just completely rubbed me the wrong way - I asked my mother, (of all people, who was helping to take care of me during my last round of chemo and saw how brutal that was on me!) why she would want me to 'feel sorry' for my grandmother who has had a full, long, and healthy life just because she sometimes has to use a cane now?! It just struck me as a completely ridiculous concern! I love my grandmother and would never purposely act insensitive towards her, but to be told to feel sorry for her because she sometimes has to use a cane now when I just finished chemo and have no idea if I will even live to be 86 years old because this cancer might come back?! I will be so grateful everyday if my only problem at 86 years old is that I have to use a cane sometimes! My 86 year old grandmother could very well outlive me! Argh it made me so mad and now my mother thinks that I am the one being insensitive for being upset with her. My mother has not always been around my whole life anyway, so at least it doesn't bother me as much to have little to do with her now.

[Lydia666]

Hello to you all,
I don't post often but I do read daily and thank all of you who provide such great advice to us cancer fighters. I would like some advice on how to handle a remark a family member made to my mother while I was on vacation. I was diagnosed with stage 4 rectal cancer in 2009 at the age of 27. As many of you know it has been a very bumpy and challenging road. In fact, my cancer has returned to my right lower lung and I will have to undergo another lobectomy 8 months after my last one. Very few family members know of my recurrent disease since I do not have a very supportive family and do not feel it is my place to "share" my news with those who are not active in my life.
Well here's to my question. My aunt lost her son to a tragic car accident (killed by a senseless drunk driver) more or less around 8 years ago. While I was on vacation with my husband she was in town and my mom (her sister) met each other for lunch at my aunts daughters house. Some how the topic of my terminal illness and how long I've been "fighting" came up. One cousin ignorantly stated that we all die and she can get hit by a car tomorrow and die. Why do I say ignorant you may ask, well because yes, we will all die but with stage 4 cancer it's a constant thought. With each blood test, CT scan, flush of our ports, scars on our bodies and each meeting with our oncologist we are reminded that our car /bus will strike any second, not when we're blinded by our normal everyday life. It's right in front of us (well for me at least) all the time. We'll that's not even the remark that is making seek your advice. My aunt then tells my mom that my death would be easier on my mom since I have stage 4 cancer and we know when my time comes her grief will be less because she has time to say goodbye. WTF! To me that's like saying you will grieve less when old person dies well because they are old and old people die. I just don't understand how someone, especially my aunt who is my godmother could say this? What are your thoughts and how can I responsibly and respectful speak to my cousin and my aunt regarding there ill mannered comments?
-Melissa

The things is that anything can happen to anyone. Just because we have cancer doesn't mean we could not get hit by a bus tomorrow. We have the same odds as anyone. In addition, we have cancer and are playing with statistics and we constantly think about it.

[lilmiss82]

Thank you for all you replies.
Artifact I agree that in some way my aunt does have some type of guilt or remorse she is deealing with and probably didn't mean her comment to come out the way that it did.
Nofear32 I agree and wish too I would live to see 86 years of live. I can say I wasn't statistically suppose to live past 30 so 34 years of life and still counting feels pretty good

[Lee]

So sorry this remark came up. Through the years I've heard a few jaw dropping remarks that I can only assume the person making the comment is "TRULY IGNORANT" .

I lost my Dad to the Vietnam war. I was barely 13 yrs old when he died, last time I saw him I was only 12. Many years later, I was in college, teacher was talking about sister's divorce (the ordeal). I made a comment about the kids still being able to see their Dad. Teacher told me to count my blessing WTF ! My Dad's death was permanent, that was it. In her world, it was easier for me to grow up without a Dad vs her niece and nephew who still had a Dad butt was being a jerk to his new ex wife.

Sorry, I soon realized teacher was clueless .

Don't take it personal, some people are just plain clueless.

Lee

[Cj51]

Wow, that was truly an ignorant comment, born of ignorance of what you face every day. Some people have to believe that their problems, their grief, their tragedy is worse than yours. It's a version of "poor me" syndrome. You are totally justified in being hurt by her comments, as is your mother.

That said--you are completely aware of how these people are, you've said you don't share info with them because they're not supportive. (!) If she's the type that can admit when she's erred, and you know she'd feel bad to have hurt your feelings and would appreciate the chance to make things right, then confront her as kindly as you can and let her know that your feelings were hurt. Let her apologize and forgive her. But, if she's not that type of person and she's more likely twist it around and make you the bad guy for confronting her, to justify herself rather than acknowledge the damage that she's done, then my advice to you is this: let it go. You will only walk away with more hurt, and you don't need that. It has been my experience that harboring anger and hurt is destructive to my well being and peace of mind. If you can, let it go, forgive, and enjoy the people in your life who cherish you and make you feel loved. And stay away from the others, because they're not worth your time or your energy. Easy? No, but healthier for you.

Hugs,
Cj

[JDinNC]

I really don't know how to repond to your situation....but I can tell you , if one more person tells me I could be hit by a car tomorrow ...I'll scream! In my 60 + years, I know of no one that has been hit by a car and killed. I'm not saying that this couldn't happen but I know with my cancer I probably won't be around in 7 years... So living day by day is all we have.
And for people to say something like this .....they are completely clueless. I would rather die instantly and yes it hurts to lose someone so sudden. But to have love ones to look at you everyday knowing our time left is questionable has got to be even worse.

Your Aunt is rude, heartless and not worth your time

[Nik Colon]

People can say the dumbest things at times. As mentioned by artifact, I'm sure from her point of view, it was about being able to say goodbye. Imo, people who speak like that have no idea how hard it is to be with someone who is dying. It's like that question. If you could, would you want to know exactly when someone was going to die or not? Personally I would not. It's not easy either way. No matter how or when someone goes, their time on earth is never long enough for those who love them. And, there is always going to be some kind of regret or something you wish you did, said, etc.

[stu]

Hi,
I am sorry you had to endure that. From my experience as a therapist and a carer from where I am standing the people with neurological conditions and cancer are enduring the harsh stuff. The physical treatment and the mental health aspects are unrelenting . I have a sister in law who has serious mental health issues. They feel there is an injustice on the sympathy between mental health issues and cancer. This really shocked me as they are two different illnesses and in my mind you meet the individual needs not draw comparisons. It caused so many issues that this time to manage the situation without additional issues I never told them of my mum's surgery. You just never know the thought processes running through someone's mind. if I am asked how my mum is I give a vague reply and lead the conversation somewhere else. Then again they rarely ask. The sting in the tale is my mum despite her own illness always sends her cards and gifts to remind her she is thought of.
I hope you catch a long break after this op.
Take care
Stu

[canadiandaughter]

Wow, I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this!! As for the comment, I agree with Artifact, I am sure your aunt is really hurting from not being able to say goodbye. I know that really doesn't help those of us on this side of it. I know personally I am dreading my dads final days and really don't think that it will be any easier then if he was taken suddenly. Death is death no matter how it happens. I made a promise years ago when my mom suddenly took ill unexpectedly and I had not hugged her the last time I said goodbye, that I would always say goodbye to my loved ones like it was the last time I would see them because we really do not know when any of us will be gone.
As for the lack of support, I am so sorry, that really sucks!!! My dad has me and my sister, but the brothers are not the greatest at helping out. One hasn't even seen him since August and only lives a few hours away. People deal with things differently I guess. Some of us dig in and try to help and others stick their head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening.
Best wishes for you surgery!! Swinging chickens for you!!

[wandalein]

I think it is human nature to make sense of what is senseless. For the comment of any of us could get hit by a bus, I believe in a strange way this could be a positive spin on things saying any of us could die before you. Life does spin on a dime. The comment by your aunt is likely because she still grieves the sudden, unexpected loss of her son. Having had a tragic sudden death in the family I know how much of a shock that can be. She obviously on all levels knows that if something happened to you that your mother would grieve and knows that the grief would be no less than her grief but I think she is speaking of her own wish to have known her son would be taken from her, she is wishing for herself that she had time to say goodbye to her child. In this world it is easy to be sensitive to comments but some people make comments without really expressing how they feel. Your cousin saying that was likely not wanting to think of you dying. Your aunt seems to have a lot of grief over her loss and perhaps can't see past that.