Feeling lost

[Steph20021]

All of a sudden, two years after diagnosis I am feeling lost. Two days ago out of nowhere I flew into a rage over nothing and had to leave the house to get fresh air and space. I haven't been angry over cancer before, just down. This is new for me and I don't like how it feels or who I am angry. I feel like I'm losing my precious time left being angry and don't want to be remembered that way- pushing everyone away and being crabby.
I do not have my recent scan and blood results yet and maybe that is weighing on me, but getting results isn't anything new. I'm not receiving any counselling and maybe I could benefit from that but I'm not a huge fan of the social worker at my cancer centre and that's about the only free counselling around here.
I don't know what my anger is directed at or stems from. I do know I can't spend another year doing nothing like this past year. I can't do the work I used to do, and there's no incentive to work part time because I'll lose my mortgage coverage that I only have for another year and I can't pay the mortgage on part time work. I'm not ready to jump back into a 35 hour work week. I looked into fitness memberships with the city and even with the 35% reduction in fee for having a disability it's still expensive. I feel angry at the loss of control I have over the change in life cancer has caused me. I'm silently angry and fuming over others I see online moving on, travelling, career advancements, both survivors and non-survivors. I was on such a good path before, doing good things and going places. Now...nothing. Waiting, and I don't know what I'm waiting for.
Thanks for letting me vent.

[horizon]

I looked into fitness memberships with the city and even with the 35% reduction in fee for having a disability it's still expensive.

If you have a YMCA near you the Livestrong program lets you get fitness training for several weeks for free as a cancer survivor. Maybe that is an option?

[midlifemom]

Steph,
I hear you. I also become angry and resentful of how cancer has impacted me, but more so how it has impacted my husband and son.
I don't know much about grief, but isn't anger one of the phases most folks go through before reaching acceptance? Perhaps you can view this current feeling as progress - and just a short phase - not a forever thing.

[Nik Colon]

I hear what you are saying, sorry, I know it's tough. Best wishes

[lpas]

I'm so sorry, Steph. I wish I had some good advice for getting past the anger but, honestly, I think you have every right to feel angry. You've gotten such a raw deal to be facing this diagnosis at only 33.

Have you thought at all about volunteering your time at a local charity? It might help to get your mind off things.

On a side note, I think it's absolutely ridiculous that you haven't gotten your CT results yet. Am still keeping fingers crossed for you that everything is clear.

[Cowgirl918]

I would be angry too if in your position. I think we are all angry some times. When I am really frustrated I write it down. You can journal and keep it or have a bonfire and burn the toxic stuff. At least you understand that you are angry. The American Cancer Society also has resources that are free. Or a local pastor? Just don't keep it all locked up. Anger has energy that we can use in good ways like writing or working out. It is also a step in the journey that must be taken. Keep coming back here and take care.

[Steph20021]

I looked into fitness memberships with the city and even with the 35% reduction in fee for having a disability it's still expensive.

If you have a YMCA near you the Livestrong program lets you get fitness training for several weeks for free as a cancer survivor. Maybe that is an option?

From my online research earlier it seemed to only be in the US the Livestrong program, but I will definitely call and ask my local YMCA tomorrow. Thank you for the reminder.

[Steph20021]

I'm so sorry, Steph. I wish I had some good advice for getting past the anger but, honestly, I think you have every right to feel angry. You've gotten such a raw deal to be facing this diagnosis at only 33.

Have you thought at all about volunteering your time at a local charity? It might help to get your mind off things.

On a side note, I think it's absolutely ridiculous that you haven't gotten your CT results yet. Am still keeping fingers crossed for you that everything is clear.

Yeah they expected me to wait from Feb 2 to Feb 22nd for the results. No way was I able to do that. So I called, and thankfully, still NED but I have to read the radiologists report myself before I exhale if you know what I mean.

I had the same idea about volunteering and you gave me the push I needed. I emailed two places yesterday about volunteering where I might have a bit of fun, and while it wouldn't be a regular thing there, it might be a good place to start. One is a local little theatre selling tickets and concessions and taking tickets etc. and I could see some theatre for free too, bonus!

Thank you everyone, it is an amazing community here.

[horizon]

From my online research earlier it seemed to only be in the US the Livestrong program, but I will definitely call and ask my local YMCA tomorrow. Thank you for the reminder.

I didn't even notice that you were in Canada. Sorry my tip wasn't very useful. :-/

[chrisca]

I too deal with anger. It's part of the recovery process. Don't blame yourself, but experience it and be with it over time. You will make insights that will heal it but anger has its own schedule and there is no fixed end date. Let friends and family know you're dealing with it and it's not their fault. Usually people are understanding once they realize it's not directed at them.

Yoga is a good exercise that may help. There is a Yoga Thrive program put on by a professor at U of Calgary (not close to you but there are people offering the classes in other cities.) It's for cancer survivors. I don't know the price. See http://www.ucalgary.ca/healthandwellnesslab/ . They may have some ideas for free fitness training and it never hurts to ask about a "scholarship" for a free or reduced fee if available. I took some yoga classes but now do it every morning in my home. You can learn yoga from DVDs from the library. A class is helpful to get started but sometimes local community parks and recreation centers offer them for very little money and that could work. If you have a local parks & recreation center they can be an excellent resource for getting into some kind of fitness class. You can create your own free fitness program with yoga, running or cycling, walking or hiking, and similar activities. Consider volunteering at a place that has a gym (a school, physical therapy practice, or hospital) and see if they will allow use of the facilities as part of your volunteer service. While I do have a gym membership, yoga, gardening, walking, and hiking are the core of what keeps me sane.

[Steph20021]

From my online research earlier it seemed to only be in the US the Livestrong program, but I will definitely call and ask my local YMCA tomorrow. Thank you for the reminder.

I didn't even notice that you were in Canada. Sorry my tip wasn't very useful. :-/

That is okay! These kinds of tips can be picked up by someone else months and even years down the road. You just never know who you can be helping, and I certain,y appreciate you reaching out and your efforts.

[Steph20021]

I too deal with anger. It's part of the recovery process. Don't blame yourself, but experience it and be with it over time. You will make insights that will heal it but anger has its own schedule and there is no fixed end date. Let friends and family know you're dealing with it and it's not their fault. Usually people are understanding once they realize it's not directed at them.

Yoga is a good exercise that may help. There is a Yoga Thrive program put on by a professor at U of Calgary (not close to you but there are people offering the classes in other cities.) It's for cancer survivors. I don't know the price. See http://www.ucalgary.ca/healthandwellnesslab/ . They may have some ideas for free fitness training and it never hurts to ask about a "scholarship" for a free or reduced fee if available. I took some yoga classes but now do it every morning in my home. You can learn yoga from DVDs from the library. A class is helpful to get started but sometimes local community parks and recreation centers offer them for very little money and that could work. If you have a local parks & recreation center they can be an excellent resource for getting into some kind of fitness class. You can create your own free fitness program with yoga, running or cycling, walking or hiking, and similar activities. Consider volunteering at a place that has a gym (a school, physical therapy practice, or hospital) and see if they will allow use of the facilities as part of your volunteer service. While I do have a gym membership, yoga, gardening, walking, and hiking are the core of what keeps me sane.

I really like the idea of creating my own program with a variety of things. I can start with indoor stuff like yoga until The weather is nice enough outside to be outside. I bet I can even join the mall walkers club which is only a 5 minute drive away. I think scheduled (rather than ad-hoc) exercise is a huge missing component in my life and I am ready for it now.

[elise]

I just saw this. And I thought I should reach out. Then I looked and i saw Ontario. The I realized it was you

Hon, I'm sending you a PM now on FB

Elise