Dear "Withering away without help,"
Sorry you are having emotional upheaval as you tease this all out. Your thought patterns are rather catastrophic when in reality they shouldn't be. I encourage you to speak with your therapist or get a new one. A "counselor" frequently doesn't have the sophistication to address the presentation issues unless they are extremely well-seasoned.
Setting aside your cluster of medical issues, when it comes to the here and now present moment, your internal world creates your external world.Your head is filled with numerous stories about your future. I'm sure you have mentally already visualized your funeral, tombstone, and the like.
If you are still alive to read this. Most suffering in this world is self-induced/. And when there are legitimate sufferings, like colon cancer, it is not unusual that we ad to that suffering by our own mechanisms as well. Most people resist this truth as they are so identified with their thoughts. When in a psychological pain state, all they want is more suffering thoughts; I have experienced it, observed it others, and even read it on this board.
This suffering could be good for you. You may decide to choose different pathways, make different choices, become more proactive and the like until you find peace and recognize the patterns that mess you up as you do this flawed walk thing called life. May you resolve your health maladies and health questions with clear vision and no stories polluting your experience.
Stage 4 Age 56 BrafV660E 5/14
spot on perit/ Right side tumor
Folfox strt 7/2014. 6 of 12 tx
Chemo induced DM2
Pet 4 mets to lung (1 cm, 6 mm) Xeloda/Avastin 9/16 to present.
Cryo-ablation to four spots- Collapsed lung/chest tube 2x
Possible local recurrence in a spot or two on PET. Stable CT