Personal advice really needed

[Joannerogers]

I have a situation going on at my house. My dh sister has came to visit from Maryland (bought a one way ticket to Tennessee ). Apparently she has decided to move to our home town and live with us until she gets a job and a car and her own place to live! She called to see if she could visist for a few days and we said she could. There are many problems to her staying longer than a few days...

First dh and sis mix like oil and water! Everyone has to walk on eggshells. It's awful !
She's very tidy but makes it a point to tell me every morning what all she has done for me that morning while I was still in bed!
Treats me like I'm a 5 year old when I'm actually 3 years older than her.
Gives me advice ranging from how to drink my water to what kind of pot holders I should be using .
If I go anywhere she has to go too so all my private time is gone.
She constantly talks and it is in such a loud tone.
Of course since she has no car I have become her uber driver, not just to find jobs, but to this posh shop, that posh shop, and I really start running out of energy. I feel I'm not getting the rest I need to be getting to recover from all this chemo and to get ready for possible surgery soon.


If we told her to leave tomorrow she would pack her two suitcases and role it down the driveway ...she has no where to go and she is so diddicult to live with that her own 26 year old son doesn't want her to move in with him.

I can't throw her out even though I want too, but how can I change this to my advantage so I don't have all this additional stress.
Sorry so long and whinny....any ideas how we can make this work out for us all because I would love to be able to help her but it is soooo frustrating from the time I get up until bedtime.

She just doesn't act grateful, actually she's quite snobbish and I can bet you if she had somewhere else to go she would. After all she's been my sister in law for 27 years and I have never even had her phone number! Her excuse is that I'm sick and I need all my family around me. I think it's a little late for that train of thought.

Any suggestions please?

[Willow.NZ]

Some people, it's crap that she has put you in this position. Last thing you need to be dealing with. I think it should be up to your husband to have a quiet word with her. Along the lines of he is worried that it may be to much for you having her stay long term. Let her know short term ok but with treatment and all the ups & downs it too much right now....

[lolgirl]

It really is fair and appropriate to put yourself first, maybe for the first time in your life. Your husband should be the one to send her packing. It is totally okay for you to be selfish with you time and energy. Good luck. Lolgirl

[Nik Colon]

Some people, it's crap that she has put you in this position. Last thing you need to be dealing with. I think it should be up to your husband to have a quiet word with her. Along the lines of he is worried that it may be to much for you having her stay long term. Let her know short term ok but with treatment and all the ups & downs it too much right now....

I agree. I would demand him to talk to her, but that's just me if not, I would have no problem telling her just what you said (maybe leave out some tho, lol). Sorry you have to deal with this. Best wishes

[lhawk0730]

I'm one of the ones who would say, give her the boot asap. You have enough going on right now. However, DON'T take that advice until the more diplomat members chime in. It sounds like you are asking how to turn this situation into a win-win. My best advice is to wait for some of the calmer heads to chime in. This board is a wealth of information & advice on multiple subjects. In the meantime, BREATHE, love yourself, your DH and your sister. How frustrated you must be. But you must also be a very loving and generous person to be asking for advice after your SIL has moved in and turned you into a cabbie. . For now, hang tight for another day.

[midlifemom]

If your dh is unable to effectively deal with her, perhaps you can write her a letter - rather than face to face confrontation. Butt with a positive spin. Something like -
Dear xxx,
Thank you for wanting to be here to help me through this difficult time. As you've most likely witnessed I'm not capable of doing what I used to do - and this upsets me greatly. However, I thought I could give you a few tips of how to help me even better.
Thanks for all your help in the morning while I'm getting the sleep I need. I do see what you've done and am grateful, but for you to tell me each and everything thing you've done depresses me since it points out how much I've lost. If you could simply give me a smile each morning instead, that would make me feel so much better. Etc,, etc, etc.
Regarding the driving, perhaps limit her - tell her you have the energy for only two, or whatever, trips that day, and agree as to which trips they will be.
Tell her you need some alone time - and go out without her.

I hope these thoughts help. If not, kick her out and let her stand in the driveway!

[cashmere]

Midlifemom,

I love your suggestion!!!!!!!

[cathy123]

What nerve! I agree with midlife mom's response as well. Since she has apparently moved in she should not expect to be treated like a guest who has to be chauferred around. I would also think about some things she could do to really help you out and ask her for that - if she can drive herself ask her to do the grocery shopping, or ask her to make dinner 3x a week, or clean part of the house. Those are not favors - she is living at your house rent free and should contribute.

Your dh should have a talk with her on the side about giving you some space, and respecting your need for rest without snide comments.

Good luck!

[Sams wife]

If there is a bus stop or trolley through town, I would probably say "maybe hubby can drop you off on the way to work, I'll pick you up later : ) "
She can talk to lots of people that way. Hubby's family came after radiation so they saw that he couldn't drive. Tell her to to pick a day.Maybe she will come back with a job & be out of your hair. Your car is there for emergencies.


If she doesn't know how to use a bus tell her she will have to learn. " if I can't do my dishes & laundry, I really can't be shopping all day." But I'm kinda mean that way. She probably is just telling you what she has done so you will let her stay but I agree with midlifemom on that. I would have to tell her something.


It's whatever YOU want. It's your house!

Agree with dishes for rent too!! Or whatever you want

[JDinNC]

If your dh is unable to effectively deal with her, perhaps you can write her a letter - rather than face to face confrontation. Butt with a positive spin. Something like -
Dear xxx,
Thank you for wanting to be here to help me through this difficult time. As you've most likely witnessed I'm not capable of doing what I used to do - and this upsets me greatly. However, I thought I could give you a few tips of how to help me even better.
Thanks for all your help in the morning while I'm getting the sleep I need. I do see what you've done and am grateful, but for you to tell me each and everything thing you've done depresses me since it points out how much I've lost. If you could simply give me a smile each morning instead, that would make me feel so much better. Etc,, etc, etc.
Regarding the driving, perhaps limit her - tell her you have the energy for only two, or whatever, trips that day, and agree as to which trips they will be.
Tell her you need some alone time - and go out without her.

I hope these thoughts help. If not, kick her out and let her stand in the driveway!

What a fantastic suggestion.....I would first have DH talk to her saying that having her is was to be a short term visit. Stating that you have your medical issues and and you need to focus on your recovery. That you feel it's time for her to find a place of her own that you are sure she's also ready to continue on with the start of her new life. If DH won't do this then midlifemom's letter is a great answer. I wouldn't be afraid of hurting her feeling as she seem to be a person who just doesn't get it anyway..

[peanut_8]

Joanne, Did your SIL have a job, car and place to live in Maryland? What happened to cause her current circumstance?

It seems to me that she is certainly taking advantage of you and your DH. That might be OK if she was in dire circumstances and if your health was good, BUTT it's not. Is she looking for a job? Maybe you can help her find one, and then show her the door. Will your DH have a talk with her, and lay down some house rules? If he isn't willing to do that, I think the letter is a good idea..

Best Wishes, peanut

[stu]

Hi.
I think gentle is not going to work with her as most reasonable people would not put you in that position in the first place. Suggest you can take her to the house rental department as you are becoming increasingly tired and need some space to rest but you would be glad if she was near by to help with the cleaning as she is a great help.
Regards
Stu

[Joannerogers]

Thanks to all for making me feel right about my feelings. She was living with a friend in MD, was borrowing another friends van, so she has no transportation of her own. We don't really want to start letting her drive my car because I probably wouldn't see it again until nightfall lol plus insurance issues...she's not on our plan.

Dh is all ready to give her the boot, he was ready the second day! It's me that's the hold out...I just feel sorry for her. Still she is a big pain in the butt that even Ativan can't fix.

Does anyone around Chattanooga ,Knoxville or Nashville need a room mate? Lol

Midlifemom that's a great idea about telling her not to point everything out I'm going to do that today!

Sam you're probably right..she's pointing everything out so she can stay.

lolgirl....thanks , and so many thanks to all who replied.

[OneFoot]

{{{hugs}}} put yourself first. Then hubby. Then your family. SIL comes far behind. You are not obliged to supporting another adult.

Midlifemom has a good suggestion. Although personally I would be more harsh - now is not the time to support extended family.

[Sams wife]

Our company had "fun plans & work plans" when they came. Had to stop both. Pretty much in the middle of the "plan".
That's was why I wanted to change my name before posting. I knew I was gonna get on here & throw a FIT. I didn't. Kinda proud of myself.

But I made sure they knew he needed rest. Hubby ended up with a 20 minute nap in the truck one time but they realized he just couldn't go like he use to. And a 10 minute sit in the middle of their "fun". They decided to cancel the rest of the fun : )
I don't really see your sis being that observant tho : ( can't imagine with upcoming surgery.