I know it's like blasphemy among cancer patients to pay attention to the prognosis (haha, kidding) but I am quickly sliding up to the one year mark since mine. That's one year out of the two they've given me. I'm about to get Y90 treatments on Tuesday and all of a sudden I have intense pain everywhere - the small of my back, my groin, the shaft of my penis and my scrotum - and I'm terrified that it's metastasis to bones, prostate, testicles, you name it. I'm afraid to even bring it up to the doctor when I see him pre-op on Tuesday because he might delay or even cancel the procedure when all I want in the world is for him to shoot these little radioactive beads into me and see what happens! Because I want ANYTHING that MIGHT work. I'm afraid this is all coming to a head and I'm going down fast and that the process is going to be as painful and then even more as it continues. I'm afraid I've had my last normal, pain-free (without the aid of medication that keeps me up next to my sleeping wife "poor me-ing" to myself and my friends on the Colon Talk forum) day. I'm just afraid. I just don't want to have cancer any more. Anyone else ever just go, "God damn, I just wish I never got cancer?"
Boy, does it feel good to just type it out. I may even just delete it all and not even click on "submit"! Just kidding. You know I did because you're reading it. Thanks for reading it, by the way.