Thanks so much for the feedback and telling me about your journey (or whatever a less cliché word is.. your awful experience, perhaps?? this isn't fun for any of us)
It really helps me to hear from others and remember what everyone is going through. Still having to go into the hospital every 3 weeks certainly helps keep me grounded, in that I get to see people young and old at all various stages, their friends and family and the nurses as well. Everyone saying hi and bye to each other when I go there, the extremely friendly nurses, everyone just reminds each other that we're all in it together and even if it's for the worst reason possible, we're all there for each other and share a 'special' bond! (I live in London, UK, people smiling and waving and talking to strangers is not the norm here!)
re/ someone mentioning the PET scan- good reminder, I will check on that when I'm in end of the month. I have got one but that was more last year. I do remember grilling them about getting another and they had a very logical reason why CT was better right now but I can't remember what that was!
re/ taking a chemo holiday and 'it' coming back- I'm so sorry to hear. (sorry I can't see who wrote what as I write this so I'm replying blind..) this is a reminder of why I should and want to keep gunning forward blasting myself as long as my body can take it! I do have a reversible stoma and have always been given the option to take the 6 or so weeks I think it was off to get that revsered but I've told them that truthfully I'm fine with it at this point, I don't want anything to get in the way of keeping this awfulness at bay. (I will have a very extravagant pool/beach party if I ever do get it reversed, I'm not too self-conscious but have certainly avoided any invitations this summer that would involve me having to swim/strip down in public)
re/ diet- I was always quite healthy and eat/ate very well. (this C came due to genetics, damnit!) I am extra self aware of it all- I straddle the line of trying to stay super healthy, while trying to keep up a good weight. I was always naturally skinny, this cancer/stoma/chemo has meant a constant battle to GET FATTER! but I have a juicer AND a nutribullet now, and get loads of good stuff down me. I do not subscribe to any claims of miracle cures but definitely think diet is critical. The beer I mentioned having is quite rare, I'm all about protecting my poor little liver and organs these days, they're going through the ringer. That said, apologies to anyone who doesn't approve, I do 'indulge' once in a while now in that magical smokeable thing that some say helps things- and it does.. take the mind of things, makes me eat more (see above), relieves some nausea I occasionally get, and heck still need some sort of naughty vice.
this has reminded me to come back to the forum more. the couple of you just new to all this I should really send you a message (you can do that here, right?) as we have gone through all stages of emotional breakdowns, EXTREME physical pain, uncertainty (that still kinda exists), and then those things slowly dissipating as I slowly returned to work and life best I could. With a LOT of help from my friends and family.
Lastly, just a random though I had here at work today- though I'm pretty much back to business as usual, the thing I help use to explain how I'm doing now to people is (as I look totally normal.. no hair loss.. etc.. they can't SEE anything wrong). is this- that before any of this happened, if I felt the way I do on any of these 'good' 'normal' days I have now, I would have called in sick and stayed in bed. So, I think I've just had to move the post, change the threshold, and get tough and get on with things, as I can't spend the rest of my life lying around not working or feeling sorry for myself. but it also helps explain that though things are pretty good right now (live in the NOW, no dwelling on past or future.. what I could have done or what is going to happen) it still is hard and I don't think I'll ever be back to the old life/me of a year+ ago.
Thanks again all, keep commenting. I'll try and pitch in more here. And maybe keep my posts shorter.
You're all amazing and inspiring. As my dad says, one foot forward at a time. xx