How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

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pukalania
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Location: Honolulu, Seattle

How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby pukalania » Sun Jul 19, 2015 5:29 pm

So we are there ... No more treatment .. Trying to treat the symptoms to keep A quality of life for whatever time is left ... Heartbreaking ... Awful ... Many of you have been there ... So one of the biggest struggles is how to best tell our five year old girl ... I was pregnant with her when my love got diagnosed ... So she grew up on the cancer ward... At 3 days old she was there for his chemo treatment.. She traveled with us to see specialists.. Spent the nights at the hospitals ... She knows daddy is sick ... But every grace she asks God to get him better.. Every time she sees a star she wishes upon it for her daddy awes to go away...all her little heart wishes always evolves around daddy getting better.. So he can lift. Her in the air , go together to triops.. Like she says do not sick stuff...I have been telling her doctors are trying everything and daddy is working hard to get better ... But now that has changed ... How can I tell her he won't make it ? I asked palliative care team to help us with a child psychiatrist help but wanted to hear your experience ... i want to tell her soon enough so that she can spend time with him as she feels...without regrets ... she knows something is wrong ... We got discharged for her bday few days ago and had to turn back to er after her bday cake ... Thankfully she was busy with gifts and playing .. But when she saw us in the hospital she said... I should have spent more time with you... Anyways... Any tips are appreciated ...
Hugs
wife 34 dx DH stage IV
Feb10 col res
May10 12 x FOLFOX
Aug12 tumor in sig colon,mets in liver
Aug12 Xeliri Ava
Oct12 xel celebrx rad
Feb13 liver/colon res
Sep13 ill reversal, fistula,
Folfiri SBRT,ADAPT ava
Apr 15 continued growth liver and lungs

Lee
Posts: 6207
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Lee » Sun Jul 19, 2015 5:51 pm

I am so sorry for this recent turn of events. I lost my Dad when I was 12 (Vietnam War), a bit older, but the most painful event in my childhood.

Tell her the truth, you and she will learn she is a lot tougher than she thinks she is. She will find that inner strength.

If it's possible now, have your husband write/record letters to her now, to be given to her as she grows up. Make videos as a family now, these will be cherished memories after he is gone. Take lots of family pictures.

Just a few things that come to mind now.

May you all find love and strength with each other in the days ahead. I pray there will be good days for you all.

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 16 years and counting!

Willow.NZ
Posts: 176
Joined: Sun Mar 08, 2015 3:05 am

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Willow.NZ » Sun Jul 19, 2015 7:39 pm

I am so sorry you are going down this path. For you having to face this and how to approach this difficult time with your daughter will never feel 100% right - because it isn't right or fair. But I am sure your daughter will amaze you - I think young children handle death better then us adults as they see things so purely.

Once you link in with hospice and councellers they will be amazing support & be able to give you specific and practical ways of helping your daughter & family through this. Therapy through art and writing stories with your daughter may be helpful, and be something for her & you later on to help keep the memories of her Dad. I would keep her teachers as up to date as you can manage so they are fully aware of where things are at.

Thinking of your family
Shona xx
Dad diagnosed Sept 14 Stage IV. Age 57yrs. Transverse colon - spread to Retroperitoneal, Mesenteric & Supraclavicular lymph nodes. Folfiri commenced Sept 14.
April 15 - Bowel resection
August 15, stable scan
Feb 16 - No signs of cancer on scan...stop chemo & scan in 3 month
Scan April 16, Crazy growth to stomach, lymph nodes & multiple mets to liver. Commencing Folfox.
August: chemo not working. Stopped treatment.
September 3rd 2016 peacefully left this earth.

behconsult
Posts: 264
Joined: Fri Jul 04, 2014 4:53 pm

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby behconsult » Sun Jul 19, 2015 8:41 pm

I'm sorry you have to deal with this and it is heartbreaking. I was diagnosed when my daughter was age 5 and remember her anxiety; "Is daddy gonna die." It become more frequent when a friend of hers the same age had a her father pass from a massive heart attack. My wife lost her father when she was age five and it has had repercussions.

I don't know if you are involved with any type of child bereavement agency. I think a lot can do with your husband preparing her and maybe he needs the guidance and support to do so. Cards signed for future birthdays and occasions, videos saved, etc. Kids are brighter and more intuitive then adults give them credit for. You can't facilitate closure but can start facilitating the transition of understanding.

Her dad is going to be watching over her and she will need the support. I do not know if you are in a major city as there are more resources. Check with the American psychological association website as they have info on child bereavement/grief. I don't know your family's spiritual background as grounding the experience in a spiritual perspective may help. You need a child specialist who deals with this all the time. Peace to you and prayers sent your way. Bob
Stage 4 Age 56 BrafV660E 5/14
spot on perit/ Right side tumor
Resctn 6/9/2014
Folfox strt 7/2014. 6 of 12 tx
Chemo induced DM2
Pet 4 mets to lung (1 cm, 6 mm) Xeloda/Avastin 9/16 to present.
Cryo-ablation to four spots- Collapsed lung/chest tube 2x
Possible local recurrence in a spot or two on PET. Stable CT

Val*pal
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Val*pal » Mon Jul 20, 2015 12:07 pm

I'm so sorry that your little girl has to go through this. As others have said, I would recommend speaking to a child therapist to find the best way to help her deal with what will happen.

One thing I think that is important to keep in mind is that life is full of loss. None of us can escape it, not even precious 5 year olds. Adults do children a disservice, in my opinion, in trying to paint a picture of life always being fair and happy. I'm sure your daughter by osmosis has already come to realize that life can be tough. It's how she is taught to deal with the loss that is important.

I was raised with a somewhat unrealistic understanding of life. Whenever I felt I had failed at something, it caused me so much shame because I believed that it must be totally my fault since life should be perfect. As life will, it finally taught me that to be human means you will have joy, happiness, and love, but you will also have tremendous sadness, loss, fear, and failure. This is the human condition.

I'm a mom and I know how much we want to protect our children. It will hurt so much to see your daughter hurting, but keep in mind that it is one of life's hurdles. It will make your daughter into the person she will be. As long as she realizes that life isn't one endless fairy tale, she'll survive and thrive. Just let her talk about her feelings.
DH dx'ed May '11, age 62
Jul '11: resection Stage IV
10/11: 6 mo Folfox
8/12:thyr canc, surg/tx
2/13: peri mets
2/13: Firi/Avas
6/13: Ok
8/13: break
10/13: Lung, peri, mets
10/13: Firi/Erb
1/14: Erb Fail; spread
5/14: Tx stopped
6/20/14: At rest

alphagam
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Facebook Username: Kathy Maine Ruess

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby alphagam » Mon Jul 20, 2015 1:51 pm

As an Early Childhood educator, I'm not sure that there really is a way to tell a 5 yr old that her Daddy is dying. Children just don't understand the concept of death. I love that you have asked Hospice for a Child Psychologist. Actually, if that isn't available, please press for someone who us trained to work with small children.

My thoughts, prayers and everything else are with you and your family.

Kathy
Dx Feb 2010 4 cm tumor, just inside rectum
EUS stated T3 tumor
2nd opinion, need better path
Mar 2010 transanal surgery. Surgery by board certified CRS found tumor only in lining
6 exams of surg site, 3 PET, 3 scopes laterNED.
Scope in Mar2015, clean colon
Next scope/test in 3 years

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Annemiek
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Location: The Hague, Netherlands

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Annemiek » Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:00 pm

As a fellow mum I just want to give you a big (((hug)))) because it is so hard to have to see your daughter hurting and is going to miss her daddy, and having to deal with your own grief as well.
Don't be afraid to show her that you all hurt and feel sad, so she knows it is a normal emotion and learns to cope.I agree with val pal, in the end it will make her stronger if you can guide her through this difficult time, let her know it's not her fault, give her all the love you have. It still will be a tremendous difficult time and I can only wish you and your loved ones strength and wisdom.

Annemiek

43 yr mum of a girl aged 7
10/2014 coloncancer stage IIIc
11/2014 HIPEC, tumor removed + 12 positive out of 60 ln
hysterectomy, abdominal lining partly removed
Peridonitus, stoma fitted, 6 abcesses drained in abdomen
MSS, kras
3/2015 Folfox, someones playing kill Bill inside me
9/2015 finished 12 rounds,
First scan results: NED!!!!!!!!!
4/2016 ct scan: NED!!!
7/2016 ultrasound: NED
10/2016 cr scan: NED
5/2017 ultrasound: NED 2,5 yrs!
CEA 8/2017 1.8 stable.
CT scan 11/2017 NED! 3 yrs
CEA 1.9

tammylayne
Posts: 2177
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2010 9:24 am

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby tammylayne » Mon Jul 20, 2015 7:47 pm

You have been given some great advice....this has to be an unbelievabley difficult time for you.

If I can offer anything else, it would be to make sure you are also taking care of you...that is so important in your ability to give your daughter what she needs. She will be watching you, and will take your lead, so if you keep everything tucked away and hidden, so might she. Sharing, talking and loving will be strong tools for all of you...

I love the idea of your husband recording thoughts and messages for her. One of my favorite gifts is from my daughter - one of those recordable books - Robert Munch "I'll Love you Forever". If your husband is up to something like that...it could be an amazing gift for her to be able to hear her daddy reading her a story whenever she needs to "hear" his voice....just a thought.

Sending all of you much strength, as much time as possible to create loving memories and sooooo, sooooo many gentle hugs....
51 F
'06 Stage 1 CC,
'10 Stage 3 Rectal

"You never know how strong you are until you have to become your own hero."

Lee
Posts: 6207
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Lee » Mon Jul 20, 2015 8:13 pm

tammylayne wrote:
I love the idea of your husband recording thoughts and messages for her. One of my favorite gifts is from my daughter - one of those recordable books - Robert Munch "I'll Love you Forever". If your husband is up to something like that...it could be an amazing gift for her to be able to hear her daddy reading her a story whenever she needs to "hear" his voice....just a thought.


I love that book, we still have it in our library even though my youngest is now 21. Tammy, that is a wonderful ideal.

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 16 years and counting!

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horizon
Posts: 1668
Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby horizon » Mon Jul 20, 2015 9:03 pm

I can't imagine how hard this must be. So sorry you're having to go through this.
I'm just a dude who still can't believe he had a resection and went through chemo (currently 12 years NED). Is this real life?

RobDontGiveUp
Posts: 30
Joined: Mon Jul 06, 2015 9:17 pm

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby RobDontGiveUp » Mon Jul 20, 2015 9:25 pm

It's brutal. I'm Stage IV with a 4 and a half year old.

I broached the subject with him to see if he has any understanding.

I told him daddy was very sick and daddy might die some day before he gets real big.

He told me I should take some of his purple (cough) medicine, stop drinking soda cuz soda makes you sick (mom's doing since he likes soda) and then he asked me "who is going to drive dada's car when I die"
Yet at other times he'll let me give him hugs that last for minutes, even though he never wants to be held.

All you and your husband can do is make memories for her and do things that show how special she was to her dad. Make video's of him just talking to her, or videos of him reading her a bedtime story if possible. Put together a Daddy and me book with all pictures of her and dad. It's a brutal horrible thing to go through. All I care about is living to see my son grow up. I don't care about much else, even the wife. I know how hard it will be for her but I know shell be able to find someone to make her happy. He'll never have a chance at "knowing" his biological dad in the sense that other kids know their parents.
35 M dx Stage IVA colon cancer 7/15 w/
mets to retroperitoneal lymph nodes, suspected neck and para aortic as well
CAA 19-9 <3
12 rounds of FOLFOX W Vectibix 7/15
partial remission with shrinkage of tumor and ln's. Switch to XelodaAvastin 12/15
complete remission NED 6/16 Still on XelodaAvastin
Cancer returns in ln's Start Folfiri Vectibix 10/16
Shrinkage in ln's Folfiri vectibix 2/17
Tumor returns to cecum but ln's remain stable, right hemi 7/17
Folfiri Vectibix 8/17
lung mets 2 nods 2.5cm Stivarga 6/18

cathy123
Posts: 665
Joined: Sat Nov 08, 2014 3:36 pm

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby cathy123 » Mon Jul 20, 2015 9:54 pm

Pukalania - my heart aches for you. I hope your husband has time for many more happy memories.

You have received a lot of good advice. The only thing I would add is to make sure you reassure her that she will be taken care of always and help her understand how her near term life will be affected if at all. When I was diagnosed I talked to the kids counselor at school and she said that kids are by nature very self centered and will worry about themselves first - so I made sure to let my kids know my parents would come from out if town to take care of them when I was in the hospital, and that I could still come to most of their soccer games and things like that. Your poor girl has way too much experience with a sick parent so thus may not be an issue for her, but I thought I would mention it.
Cathy

Diagnosed 10/14 low rectal cancer age 43
Clinical T2NXMX
Radiation/xeloda 12/14-1/15
LAR with temp Ileo 3/15
pT2N0M0, lymphatic invasion 0/37 nodes
4 xelox, 1 xeloda only
Reversal 9/15
Mom to 9&11 year olds

Nik Colon

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Nik Colon » Tue Jul 21, 2015 1:12 am

I am so sorry, sending love and hugs

jillbugs4110
Posts: 266
Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2014 3:36 pm

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby jillbugs4110 » Tue Jul 21, 2015 2:13 am

Hi

I am the one having to tell my kids that my fate is death they are 6 and 10 and I have been all they have had since my youngest was born. My mom said my daughter told her she was so scared because she did not know what would happen to them upon my demise. Talk about the worst kind of pain I have very felt. This fucking..
Awful disease I wish we never had to tell our young children the horrid fact that they will lose a mom a dad or worse yet their only parent. I love GOD but I wonder at times like this. I truly am.sorry and I know the pain your in your husband and you and your children are in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I had the say in life I would never do half the shit I see to young.kids.....this is a very unfair and horrible disease.
Live One Day At A Time
I Abandon myself to God
46 6 yo.....9yo...
stage 1V liver mets :-(
my one prayer to got to sustain me to raise my two babies this is my only wish then take me out if needed.

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Kathleen808
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Location: Hawaii

Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Kathleen808 » Tue Jul 21, 2015 2:43 am

Oh my precious friend, I am so very sorry to read this. I am heartbroken for all of you. Your little girl is just so precious and I know your husband is a wonderful dad and husband. Please feel free to call. If I don't hear from you in a few days, I'll be in touch. Also, letters and videos from Dick and of Dick are truly precious to our girls. Video anything if your husband is feeling good. The girls just love watching him and hearing his voice.
Sending love.

Aloha,
Kathleen
Kathleen
DH 1/09 3c 51yr rsct
Folfx 3/09
1 l nd 9/09 Flfri Avstn
PET clr 6/10
Folfri Avstn 7/10
ND 10/10
1/11 lng mets Flfri Avastn
ND 2/12
9/12 Flfri Avastn
10/12 grwth lng mts Erbtx Avstn Irintcn
1/13 stabl
9/13 grwth
8/16/14 passed into eternal peace


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