How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

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Kiwi Debz
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Kiwi Debz » Tue Jul 21, 2015 3:16 pm

Hi,

I feel so much your pain at what you are going through and the impact on your little girl.

I had a similar situation when my eldest son was on palliative care at age five and my youngest was three and a half. My younger son had seen his brother sick many times but this time questioned as to when TOM was going to get better.

I told him honestly, but very very simply that his brother was not going to get better as his body was no longer working well and he was very tired. I told him that TOM would die and go to heaven to be with the Angels and that our job now was to keep TOM free of pain and to spend time with him doing what he loved, reading, singing etc. My son handled this and I believe he felt he could 'help' by participating.

When he died his brother and I went a chose together where we would bury Tom and I explained what would at the funeral and that Tom would not come home with us.

We chose a star, Venus, which to this day was toms star .... Still today he knows it as such.

Be gentle, be honest and let her participate.

With much love.
Deb
6/14 DX mCrc stage 4
7/14 R. hemicolectomy; 4/17 LN; liver res. peri met; repair to illiac artery
8/14 FOLFOX
10/14 PET recurrence LN; liver ? Peri met Continue FOLFOX
12/14 PET: stable .Liver only! FOLFOX
02/15 Liver resection. NED
03/15 foundation One testing - BRAF mutant
05/15 progression; Hilum node; both lungs?
08/15 NED !!!!
Age 51 Mum to Tom (RIP) and Jose 18
KIA KAHA - Be strong!

rkolo
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby rkolo » Wed Jul 22, 2015 5:13 am

Wiping away the tears reading this, the memories of telling my 5 year old son that his grandfather (my father), was ill, wasn't going to get better still haunt me (only 13 weeks ago), kids have a great understanding, my son knew his granddad was ill, his illuminious yellow jaundice was a give away, glad I had this conversation, I wish you well.
Dad Stage IV 15/03/14
r heimocolectomy blockage
liver+peri mets
17/06 folfori/cetuximab for 24 weeks
Oct 14, ct partial response, all else clear
Dec 14, chemo break and ct 17/12
Jan 15 folfiri 4 on/2 off x 2
March cancer progression+jaundice
Treatment stopped, near liver failure, pallative f/u
At rest 26/04 angel of heaven

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Annemiek
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Annemiek » Wed Jul 22, 2015 11:11 am

Sniff! All the hurt. It's just not fair!

43 yr mum of a girl aged 7
10/2014 coloncancer stage IIIc
11/2014 HIPEC, tumor removed + 12 positive out of 60 ln
hysterectomy, abdominal lining partly removed
Peridonitus, stoma fitted, 6 abcesses drained in abdomen
MSS, kras
3/2015 Folfox, someones playing kill Bill inside me
9/2015 finished 12 rounds,
First scan results: NED!!!!!!!!!
4/2016 ct scan: NED!!!
7/2016 ultrasound: NED
10/2016 cr scan: NED
5/2017 ultrasound: NED 2,5 yrs!
CEA 8/2017 1.8 stable.
CT scan 11/2017 NED! 3 yrs
CEA 1.9

pukalania
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby pukalania » Wed Jul 22, 2015 4:12 pm

Thank you sweethearts for all the love support and heartwarming ideas .. It's so very helpful... As always what a wonderful place this forum is.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ... It truly helps to hear this as firsthand experience vs psychiatrist ... I'm staying with hubby in the hospital 24/7 so haven't told her yet want to transition home the next few days so she doesn't feel alone once we tell her and send her home with grand parents .. She has the most fun personality and happiest little girl ... I hope God keeps her that way after this despite all the sorrow ... Thank you again
Lots of hugs and love back
wife 34 dx DH stage IV
Feb10 col res
May10 12 x FOLFOX
Aug12 tumor in sig colon,mets in liver
Aug12 Xeliri Ava
Oct12 xel celebrx rad
Feb13 liver/colon res
Sep13 ill reversal, fistula,
Folfiri SBRT,ADAPT ava
Apr 15 continued growth liver and lungs

canadiandaughter
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby canadiandaughter » Wed Jul 22, 2015 4:27 pm

Sending you strength and hugs! What lies ahead will sadly be one of the hardest things you will have to endure, I pray you can somehow get through it. Little ones are a lot stronger then we think they are and also a lot smarter! She likely has a pretty good idea that something is up. I remember when my brother inlaw had brain cancer, my kids could tell. Some were younger like your daughter . We were just very honest with them, didnt sugar coat anything and were there to help them when they needed it. So many wonderful ideas on this thread from others who have dealt with the same things. There was a family here that knew their father was dying and they had necklaces made with his thumbprint on a small piece that was made into silver or gold so that it wouldnt break. I thought it was a wonderful way to have their dad close to their hearts. Please remember to take care of yourself in all of this. You need your strength too!
DD to 81 year old father
dx 24/07/14 iv cc mets liver/lung
folifiri started 19/07/14
shrinkage of all mets
growth in the liver,started folfox/avastin 80% 13/01/16
reduced to 70% due to side effects 27/01/16
First scan on folfox shows shrinkage in lungs, but liver just stable
6 rounds of vectibix-fail. 3cm growth and new spots showing Waiting for panel recommendations
At peace January 8, 2017

msbfava
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby msbfava » Fri Jul 24, 2015 4:46 pm

I am sorry to hear that your family is going through this most difficult time. The closest I can come to this is that our daughter died from injuries that she sustained in a motor vehicle accident several years ago and her youngest brother was five at the time. She use to take him on dates with her. After the funeral our son started to dig her up and said if she had to sleep forever she could sleep with him. He saw a phychologist for many years after that because as they get older their understanding of death changes, the other thing to be mindful of is that my son had problems at school for a couple of years because of the death. I really do not think that there is an easy answer we told him that his sister was living in heaven with God and that she would always be watching over him from heaven.
Stage 3 CRC, Dx @59 yrs
Aug 2014 - 5 weeks Adjuvant chemo/radiation
November 2014 - Abdominal Perineal Resection
December 2014 - pathology report - complete response to Adjuvant therapy.
February 2015 5cyc Xeloda

msbfava
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby msbfava » Fri Jul 24, 2015 9:54 pm

I saw a movie once where the parent had done special gifts and cards for the future after they were gone.....
Stage 3 CRC, Dx @59 yrs
Aug 2014 - 5 weeks Adjuvant chemo/radiation
November 2014 - Abdominal Perineal Resection
December 2014 - pathology report - complete response to Adjuvant therapy.
February 2015 5cyc Xeloda

behconsult
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby behconsult » Sat Jul 25, 2015 6:30 am

In my town of Columbus, Ohio there is a program for children with respect to grief or bereavement call Evergreen. I know you are out of state however you may try giving them a call to speak with their child therapist if nobody is in your area. They are a Catholic, non-profit hospital. Your insurance may also cover phone consultations if protracted contact is desired. They have been around for long while as I entertained doing volunteer work for them 20 years ago.

http://www.mountcarmelhealth.com/grief-loss


American Psychological Association search results: Includes articles on death related to children as well as books for children on the topic.

http://www.apa.org/search.aspx?query=de ... cationFilt:


Bob
Stage 4 Age 56 BrafV660E 5/14
spot on perit/ Right side tumor
Resctn 6/9/2014
Folfox strt 7/2014. 6 of 12 tx
Chemo induced DM2
Pet 4 mets to lung (1 cm, 6 mm) Xeloda/Avastin 9/16 to present.
Cryo-ablation to four spots- Collapsed lung/chest tube 2x
Possible local recurrence in a spot or two on PET. Stable CT

Vol
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Vol » Sat Jul 25, 2015 9:53 am

Pukalania - I'm deeply sorry for where you are. I'm a complete noob here, so I hope this is ok.

You've gotten a lot of good advice about doing videos, recording stories, writing letters - take it. With my daughters, two are through college with good jobs and happy, that last one would be in college now, but is having her legs rebuilt. I'm bias, but I think my kids turned out pretty well. My opinion, setting a vision for them of their future is critical. I believe having high self esteem is a key to girls avoiding the need for "to much attention" from boys in high school. Anything you can do in your messages and with family that will messate to her in the future to make her feel beautiful, valuable, and a powerful woman, I think you are doing her a service. Adding thoughts about, getting an education, being excited about college, etc... Is good. Try to get her (in your later year messages - to visualize herself with some great job and great life).

Just my thoughts... I hope it is ok and appropriate and I didn't over step. My heart is with you...

Vol
Dad - 51
Father of 3 girls (27, 26, 20)
08/15 - Resection 08/15
08/15 - Dx - Stage 2A - High Risk (perf colon), 0 of 27 nodes
08/15 - Start - 8 cycles Xeloda, first 4 with Oxaliplatin (done in February)

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Bev G
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Bev G » Sat Jul 25, 2015 11:34 am

Dear Pukalania,

It is so deeply saddening that you are going through this. You must be utterly exhausted. I think you've gotten a lot of wonderful advice here, and know that you are both an awesome mom and an awesome caregiver. I am holding you in my heart, and praying for peace and comfort for you and your DH. Your daughter is fortunate to have the parents she has, and I believe she will be OK. Kids are resilient. I think their grief is different than ours as adults (not less, but different). You will have an army of friends doing our best to support you as you walk through this time.

Love,

Bev
58 yo Type1 DM 48 years
12/09 Stage IV 2/22 nodes + liver met, colon resec
3 tx FOLFIRI, liver resec 4/10
9/10 6 mos off chemo, Neg PET&CTC CEA nl
2/11 finished total 10 rounds chemo

9/13 ^17th clean PET/CT NED for now

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Sleen
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Sleen » Sat Jul 25, 2015 7:20 pm

Seeking out the services of a child psychiatrist is an excellent idea.

Make sure that your dd knows that she will be taken care of, no matter what. At this age, she is very ego-centric (totally normal). She may wonder what will happen to HER if Daddy dies.

Let her know that it is OK to be sad, and that when she is sad she can hug a pillow, find someone she (and you!) trusts to talk to, etc. Maybe make a scrapbook of her life, including pictures of your husband at the same ages, if possible (and pics of you, too) that she can look at when she is feeling lonely.

Celine
my blog: Cancer Riot

NED since April 2016!
April 2016: lower left lung lobectomy. NED
8 mo. f/u: 1 of 7 tumors progressed.
6 mo. f/u PR confirmed (Jan 2016)
Jul 2015: NIH TIL trial NCT01174121 NCI/NIH Surgery Branch FAQ
Dec 2014 confirmed stage IV w/bilateral lung mets
FOLFOX + Radiation (bladder)
KRAS G12D :: MSS
dx Sep 2013 @47yo: IIIc T4b N2b MX [bladder invasion, 17/21 lymph nodes]

Married 33 yrs. kids: 27, 24, 20, 15, 13
SE Michigan home schooler, unemployed mechanical engineer, and programmer.

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Kathleen808
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby Kathleen808 » Tue Aug 04, 2015 1:02 am

Thinking of you my friend. Sending love. And yes your daughter is precious and beautiful and wonderful. I am so sorry your family is at this place.

Aloha,
Kathleen
Kathleen
DH 1/09 3c 51yr rsct
Folfx 3/09
1 l nd 9/09 Flfri Avstn
PET clr 6/10
Folfri Avstn 7/10
ND 10/10
1/11 lng mets Flfri Avastn
ND 2/12
9/12 Flfri Avastn
10/12 grwth lng mts Erbtx Avstn Irintcn
1/13 stabl
9/13 grwth
8/16/14 passed into eternal peace

PainInTheAss
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Re: How do you tell a 5 year old daddy's girl that her daddy is dieing?

Postby PainInTheAss » Sun Aug 09, 2015 5:30 am

alphagam wrote:As an Early Childhood educator, I'm not sure that there really is a way to tell a 5 yr old that her Daddy is dying. Children just don't understand the concept of death. I love that you have asked Hospice for a Child Psychologist. Actually, if that isn't available, please press for someone who us trained to work with small children.

My thoughts, prayers and everything else are with you and your family.

Kathy


I agree. My brother died when I was 7. I was in denial from the time I was told he had died until the funeral. When I saw him in the casket, I knew he wasn't ever coming home again.

But children aren't fully capable of grieving. The immature brain protects the child from the reality of what is happening. I really didn't grieve my brother's death until I was 17. I don't think you need to get her professional help, personally, unless you see signs she is having trouble dealing with it. The time to have her talk to a professional is when she's older so she can face it as an adult and grieve. It's a weird thing. It's like your adult brain remembers and understands things that happened to you as a child that you didn't fully understand at the time but it's like you are experiencing it for the first time as an adult. You see it through adult eyes. This is one reason why children who are molested need counseling as adults.

Another thing to understand is that grief isn't simply a five step process. You have continual loss losing a parent (my mother died when I was 13) so that every holiday, birthday and milestone that parent is absent from is an additional loss so grieving is a lifelong process.

I agree. Just tell her. And love her and love her and love her and love her. And she will have more love than many children ever have even having two parents.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm sure it breaks your heart thinking of her pain. She will always love him. And she will always know he loved her, too. It wouldn't hurt if there was no love.
47yo single mom of 4 (24, 21, 18, 16) at Dx
6/13 - RC T4b IIIc 5LNs on PET CEA 5.4
8/13 - Finish chemorad
10/13 - APR/hyst+ovaries/perm colostomy 2/12 nodes+
6/14 - Finish Xelox 6 rds
1/15 - CT clear CEA 0.2
10/15 - CT/MRI clear CEA 0.7
4/16 - CT clear
10/16 - CT/MRI clear CEA 0.6
5/17 - PET clear? Follow up MRI to verify inflammation


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