If your children know?

[Tanya]

The most terrible part it's haw to said to my son I have cancer.And do he need to know?
But he is smart boy ,and when he will be start guessing,why I am so sick????
I afraid he will thing I am dying. His friend mom was die from cancer 3 month ago.
What it your expirians?

[midlifemom]

How old is your son?
My son was 15 when I was diagnosed. My husband and I told him about the diagnosis and the planned surgery and chemo. We determine how much to tell him by his questions. I give him brief updates time to time but I don't push him to talk about it.

[Tanya]

He is 11

[cathy123]

My kids are 11 and 9. I waited until we knew what the treatment plan was, and then told them the truth but did not go into too many details. I told them they can always ask any questions. They are doing pretty well with it. I was really scared to tell them also.

[Nik Colon]

My daughter is 11 almost 12 and I did tell her and I just mainly said that I have things inside me and that I have to take medicine to fix it and also of course the surgery to take them out and mainly just said it in a way that sounded very positive and that everything will be fine and such she's old enough to get the gist of it I guess if it ever came to the future and complications or if it came to the point where was in curable then I would have to figure out what to do or say at that time which I still would be or try to be positive as much as possible

[ilivebyfaith]

Our children are young, 2 and 8 years old. While my 2 years old doesn't have a clue, my 8 years old is already asking how come we go to the hospital often and how come we cannot travel and why sometimes his dad needs some space to rest. I just tell him that his dad is sick and that we are treating him in the hospital to make him feel better. He doesn't have an idea what his father's real condition is, he only hears me saying what it is whenever we pray for his dad together. I spare him the details although I would gladly tell him the truth depending on the extent of his questions because he will know eventually, better to hear it from us than from others.

[CLD]

My husband and I have a good friend who was diagnosed with cancer 3 months before my husband. His children go to school with our children. When the word got out when our friend was diagnosed, rumors were flying (we live in a small town). They were only telling a few people (who told a few more...) and didn't want their children to know. Well, our kids came home from school and told us about friend's cancer. The kids knew and they all talk and who knows if what they said was worse than the reality. The parents were in denial that their kids knew. His was a cancer which could remain better "hidden" than colon cancer (scars, the port, the fanny pack). Anyhow, we decided at that point to be honest with our children and friends (age appropriate) if this ever happened to us. Sadly, we had to put this into practice just 3 months later. My husband spent 14 days in the hospital, has large scars on his stomach, had a port inserted, and now has the fanny pack with the tubes. He developed a blood clot and now has to take medicine when he was never even ever sick before. He is on disability, sleeps a lot, and tires easily. These changes are not things you can hide from your kids, in my opinion. In addition to whatever you tell your children, you may want to consider talking to the school about the situation. Our children understand daddy sick but is getting better and is getting the medicine so that he does not get sick again. They are very helpful and compassionate, but are also sometimes frustrated that he can't do everything that he used to. In addition, many people shared their personal cancer stories with us whom we never knew were dealing with cancer. Sadly, cancer is so pervasive and you might find a supportive community you never knew existed. Good luck to you,

[cathy123]

Good point about telling the school. I know it is probably summer break now, but in the fall tell your child's teachers and school counselor so they can keep an eye on him there.

Also, since your sons friends mom died, be sure to stress that there see many kinds of cancer and the drs think the radiation (and surgery or whatever else you have planned) will get all the cancer out if your body. (I am assuming with stage 3 that is the case?). My daughter seemed to take comfort in that.

[megan120]

My 8 and 5 year olds know. My almost 3 year old "knows" but doesn't understand. I don't think my 5 year old gets it other than I get medicine and have surgery and a stoma (or a stem as she calls it) We told them that I have sick cells and that the medicine kills them and the doctors take them out during surgery. For a while we stayed away from 'cancer', but it's hard to keep it a secret when they hear me say I'm going to Cancer Care Northwest all the time. My 8 year old asked me if I was going to die last year. Just about killed me. But I have always (even before getting sick) told my kids that we never know when it is our time to die, so I feel as though I have to be honest with them and answer whatever questions they have as truthfully as possible, with only as many details as they need.

I think this is the hardest part about having cancer.

[Tanya]

Thanks all for shearing with me . It is the hardest part.

[Sharon Brent]

Hi,
Well let me start by saying there is no right or wrong but this is my opinion from my experience.

The most important thing is to assess what your child can handle in terms of information and his understanding of what is going on, every child is different and you know your child best.

My Husband died of Cancer in November 2014 and my children were 1 and 5, obviously the one year old is too young to know anything apart from her Papa is now with Jesus.

But my oldest who is now 6, has amazed me by her maturity and understanding of when her Papa was sick and on Chemo and then Passing away, she knew he had Cancer and asked lots of questions when he was alive and still asks things now.

But her best friend at school who is a boy in her year so also 6, cries whenever anyone even mentions anything about Heaven and no-one close to him has even died.

So what I suggest is to try and ask your son what he thinks is going on and if he has any questions and go from there

[Nik Colon]

I told my daughters school also and they had a counselor talk to her also to see how she was doing which I agreed to. I think the school and teachers need to know in case they notice any behavior changes also.

[rwightman]

My kids are older, 14, 15 and 17. We choose to be upfront and honest and tell them the real story even though we dummied it down and didn't turn the conversation into a major negative. My 14 year has always had separation anxiety with me and that was an extremely difficult conversation to have because her biggest fear is something happening to me. To my surprise she has stepped up to the plate and has been extremely mature and helpful without being panicky. It was almost like someone confirmed her worst fear and she realized she was still standing and dealing so that is how we spun it for her. We don't make cancer talk a topic of conversation in our in house unless something is going on, but I make a point of checking in with all the kids on a regular basis (one on one) to see if they want to talk or see how they are feeling. I honestly never knew the right thing to do, I just went with my gut.

[KimT]

My son was 5 when I was diagnosed with colon cancer. I didn't do chemo so we really only talked about my surgery. He was almost 8 when I was diagnosed with the ovarian cancer. I did talk to,him about it. I kept it simple. He had slot of questions though and I tried to answer them as best I could. I was pretty sick the whole time I went through chemo and I think that was hard for him. I would get chemo every 3rd Wednesday. I would sleep pretty much the entire weekend after getting chemo and I think that was concerning for him.

[canadiandaughter]

I work in a high school and it is very important to keep your children's teachers in the loop about anything at home that might be effecting them. They might be more understanding if your child is a little off. THey can alert you to any changes that are concerning. As far as telling your kids, only you know how your child will handle this kind of news, but speaking from experience with issues not cancer related, kids are a lot smarter then we give them credit for and if they are only catching bits and pieces of what is happening it can be very frightening. I would think especially having a friends parent pass away makes it even more him. The truth about what you are dealing with is far better then him figuring out it is cancer and assuming the worst.