As this journey began, so shall it end.
The first 6 months to a year was a like someone picked us up and threw us into a tumbling dryer full of clothes, tennis shoes, and rocks. You all know the feeling. Beaten and battered, sometimes landing on soft clothes as we are hurled about, yet other times landing on the shoes or hit with the hurling rocks in your midst.
So grateful am I, however, that the entire journey wasn't like that. Things eventually became more under control as we were able to stabilize his health and find our new normal. For us, learning our new normal meant learning how to live mindfully and thankful for every passing day for we knew a cure was probably never meant to be. For me, it meant learning how to appreciate and accept another person's love without being suspect. I learned how to really allow myself to fully be loved and love in return, casting away the baggage of years gone by. Truthfully though this journey has been filled with so many lessons, too many to share here.
Buddhism teaches me that I must accept "what is" to move forward. To find acceptance in what lies ahead means embracing these many lessons and honoring them through living them. Thankful for the peaceful, adventure-filled, loving interlude that has been the last few years, we have entered the tumbler again full of clothes and shoes and rocks. Only this time I know there, in the midst of the clothes, shoes, and rocks is something more sinister and deadly. A dagger waiting to slice my heart into bits. The past few months have been eerily like the first few months only this time I am so much better equipped to handle the tosses and turns, bumps and bruises. But am I ready for that dagger whose sights are set on me and this man I love so much?
Sadly, I know the time is drawing near that will answer that question.
Namaste, my friends. Live life as fully as you are humanly able.
DH Chris, 50, Dx Nov '10 Stg 4
cardiac arrest from 5-FU
Iri/Erbi, RFA, liver/colon resection, more Iri/Erbi
Oct14-Feb15 clinical trial
Stopped treatment May15