DH possibly not letting himself realize how seriously ill he is .. Help?

[Val*pal]

Chixter: You nailed it. Caregivers MUST wear a mask and it's not about us, it's about them.

Regan: When I was going through what you are experiencing, I was just as confused as you. It seems SO odd that what is so obvious is not being acknowledged by the patient. Now, with hindsight, I realize that most dying people do not acknowledge their situation, and the confusion the caregiver feels is common. A year ago, it was so new to me, but now I totally get it. It's just the way things are. But during that time when you first realize you and your loved one are living in different dimensions, it is baffling.

I am so glad that I went with my gut and let Danny set his own reality. I would never have had the heart to convince him that he was dying. Heck, I couldn't do that to my worst enemy ( ). Though it was extremely painful and stressful for me to have to deal with two realities, that's what love is all about.

As for "planning", yes, it would have been nice to know all the miniscule financial details, etc. before Danny passed, but I got through it. In fact, I realized I was the lucky one who still had a life even if it was scary and stressful.

I know you are just expressing the same confusion I felt at the end. I wish there were instructions for caregivers of the terminally ill that make us realize we are not crazy - or the patient isn't crazy. The mind is a complex thing and we all have psychological defense mechanisms to help us make it through the day.

[Laurettas]

I was sharing with a friend about this discussion. Her son-in-law lost his mom to cancer when he was a senior in high school. He has shared with my friend that he was so hurt that no one, including his mother, shared with him that she was dying. He feels that he had no closure and it is a wound for him still almost 20 years later. I am still conflicted with the idea that only the dying person's well-being counts and all depends on their attitude. The person who is dying has a finite amount of time left to suffer. If this time isn't handled well, the survivors can have decades or the rest of their lives to suffer and their suffering can affect their families, etc. etc. I really think we need to find a way to deal with dying other than denial.

[yiayia]

"The Mask is the game face, the supportive acknowledgement, the enthusiasm to share in the future, even when the heart knows the future will be a limited time.

The Mask must be worn at medical appointments, bad days, and good days."

I think the game face is so important. This board has been excellent in my keeping that step ahead of information so my Mask doesn't waiver.

I concur, let him face what he's ready to, enjoy the good times with him. You are giving your husband an amazing gift. And you have people here who can help you navigate through finances and paperwork when that time comes.

The Mask is the most important tool in the Caregiver' s toolbox, but the most difficult one to learn to use well. After 9 months, I'm just now gaining proficiency in wearing it all day long. The next most crucial tool is LOVE. And acceptance of your loved one's pace. Then, acceptance that you are doing the best you can in a horrid situation. Love yourself, too. My love and prayers are with you.

[Ceebo]

I just want to thank you for sharing from your hearts about this sensitive topic. My DH really never talks about about what he no longer can do, just does what he can do on a daily basis. I know he thinks about his diagnosis and prognosis, but he refuses to let it keep him from enjoying life. We continue to make plans for the future, including a major house remodeling project, that I'm not very excited about, but it seems to give him energy and motivation. I am a planner, a nurse, do a lot of research and studying about CC, and feel more anxiety about our future than he seems to. He doesn't want to know that much detail about his medical diagnosis or treatment. He says he'll let me handle that and doing that will ease some of the burden on him and allow him to focus more on daily life. He's amazing, but sometimes I feel the pressure of knowing too much "medical information." Maybe he is in denial, but I believe it is helping him cope with "chemo for life" and "widespread metastatic disease", that fortunately is STABLE right now. Each if you have helped me see that as a caregiver it is important to support the person in the way that best strengthens him/her. I do want to help provide hope, peace, and joy to him as we both travel this road. We share a deep faith, have very supportive family and friends, been married 46 wonderful years, and we love the simple thing in life! We are very blessed! Thanks to all of you for what you give to each of us on the forum. I learn something every day!!

[AngelaN]

Your post hit home for me. It is the undercurrent for everything that goes on in my house. My DH is doing really well. We think he might have a small lung met but it's really unclear. He continues on maintenance chemo. He plays golf the day after chemo and a week later plays in a tournament. We go out to dinner and do normal things now. But he wants to move from our townhouse to a house with a yard for our dogs. And I keep thinking five years from now the dogs will be gone and he might be too. And I'll be in a house with a yard and long for my townhouse again. I gently tried to tell him that the other day and he flipped out. "How dare you think I am not beating this. How dare you not believe in me. I just need 5 years and then there will be a vaccine for this." I think I am being practical. He thinks I am waiting for him to die. Obviously that's the last thing I want. We are not 50 yet and was looking forward to another 30 or 40 years together. I can not talk with him about what would happen if. He did tell me the other day he is going to live this summer like he is dying because he doesn't know what is next for him. But then he walked away and would not let me use that as an opening for more conversation.

[Regan]

Well... I just have to tell you all (INCLUDING my PM peeps) that I read your responses to this thread over and over.

I can't imagine going thru this without this board and I SO MISS some that aren't posting as often....I even go back thru threads that touched me or helped me....hope that newbies know how to use the search feature.

Love you all as if you're my immediate family

[wandalein]

Y But he wants to move from our townhouse to a house with a yard for our dogs. And I keep thinking five years from now the dogs will be gone and he might be too. And I'll be in a house with a yard and long for my townhouse again. I gently tried to tell him that the other day and he flipped out. "How dare you think I am not beating this. How dare you not believe in me. I just need 5 years and then there will be a vaccine for this." I think I am being practical. He thinks I am waiting for him to die. Obviously that's the last thing I want. Wn.

I can so relate to this, we live in a great inner-city neighborhood, my husband wanted us recently to move to an acerage with lots of grass to mow and endless flower gardens. I did not want to be negative but I had visions of our children, who need to be close to the city for work and university, not being at home and me being left in a big house with lots of yard upkeep by myself and a big commute to the city for my job (what else would I have to do). I was being practical and realistic and I stopped it. Every time I do this I feel like I am squashing his dream of the future. He is about to start a new business (changing it up), RV storage just outside the city on land we have. I am not stopping it I think he needs this to keep busy and to be moving forward. I was reading about how when we are feeling stuck (I sure know that feeling over the past few years) we should walk. Walking forward makes us think forward. It doesn't stop me from considering what to do with a family business of RV storage should things change BUT those are things I can deal with. Living in a big house on miles of land all by myself is not something I can live with.