Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

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Dawn2015
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Mar 24, 2015 2:32 am

Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby Dawn2015 » Tue Jun 09, 2015 10:10 pm

Hi,
So I returned to work last week and I'm not feeling it. I don't want to be there and all I think about is Cancer. I know I'm clear and all seems well but mentally I'm just drained. I've had some tail bone pain lately and that has me worried/paranoid. Any ache or pain I have I think Cancer. People ask how I am and I tell them fine and healthy but I just don't feel like myself. I probably shouldn't talk and should move on. I was lucky the cancer was found early and I'm feeling well. It's just consuming.

Just releasing some feelings. I feel bad for my husband I'm sure he just wants this behind us like me but its in my mind all the time.

Sorry just needed to let it out a bit.

Hope everyone had a good day.

Thanks dawn
Female 35, married, 2 kids
Canada
Diagnosed Feb 6, 2015- sigmoid colon adenocarcinoma
CT Scan showed no mets March 9, 2015
Left hemicolectomy March 20, 2015
0/26 LN
pT3, pNO, pMO (stage II)
No chemo, no radiation
Follow up Oct 2015

JudeD59
Posts: 726
Joined: Sun Apr 12, 2015 12:16 pm

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby JudeD59 » Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:45 pm

How do you not think about it? It's life-changing.

I'm early in the process, so I don't have the experience of most people on here. I was only diagnosed April 2nd and I'm just 4 treatments away from finishing my radiation/Xeloda series, but I can't imagine being able to go back to my pre-cancer state of mind. It's changed me so much already. My radiation tech asked me the other day if I had to go back to work after that day's treatment and I told her I work at home. She asked me what I do and I told her I'm a writer. She asked what I write and I said novels for teens. "Mysteries or romance or what?" she asked. I said, "Humorous novels. Believe it or not, I used to be funny before I got cancer."

I didn't think about it before I said it, but afterwards, I realized how true it was and how making people laugh used to be a major part of every day for me. I don't make people laugh anymore. I don't tell funny stories or talk in crazy accents or turn a disastrous day into a tale that makes my family roll with laughter. I'm too damn tired and scared and nauseated and spending too much time bent over in pain on the toilet to find humor in every day life anymore. And I'm scared that part of me won't come back even if the cancer goes away.

I'm sorry you don't feel like yourself. I hope you can find some peace of mind soon. But I don't think it's unusual to still be thinking about all that you've been through. I think it would be unusual to be able to move on as though everything is peachy and life is back to normal. This is a new normal and you should allow yourself time to adjust without feeling guilty. No matter what stage it was, you had cancer and that is a lot for your mind, your body, and your emotions to absorb.

I hope you keep releasing feelings here, to your family, to your friends, and anywhere else you feel safe releasing them.

Judy
56 yrs old, wife, mother to 4 daughters
RC Stage II T3N0M0 DX April 2, 2015
6 cm. mid-rectum-CEA 121
Xeloda and radiation finished 06/15/15- CEA 242
CEA right before surgery 81
LAR performed 8/12/15 Temporary ileostomy
CEA 10-21-15 1.6
PET scan 11-4-15 All clear
Port installed 11/11/15
Folfox started 11/18/15
Folfox stopped due to bad reaction
Reversal 2/17/16
CEA 2/3/16 1.7
CEA 3/31/16 1.3
CT Scan 4/12/16 All Clear
Port removed 4/21/16
CEA 5/24/17 1.4

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NZJay
Posts: 640
Joined: Mon Dec 16, 2013 3:00 pm
Location: NZ

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby NZJay » Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:51 pm

The aches and pains will make you think of cancer for a long time. And in some ways, it's important to be extra vigilant in body awareness now that you've had dealings with this most evil of aliens.

A helpful comment my oncologist once made: If you have ongoing mystery pain, document the details and if it persists beyond 3 weeks, contact the cancer doctors with your concerns.

FWIW I don't think about cancer very often, and I am currently 18 months NED.
11-13 Dx CC
SPS T4b(touched stomach organ),N1(3/23),M0(Stage 3B)
11-13: resect + partial gastrect
2-14: 1 Tx Cape + Oxy; renal failure, colitis
4-14: 7 Tx Capecitabine
1-15: clear CT
7-15: clear scope
1-16: clear CT
3-17: clear CT
10-17: clear scope (5 year gap now!)
CEA@dx: 8.4 / 6-15: 4.0 / 10-15: 4.2 / 2-16: 4.9 / 7-16: 4.9 / 11-16: 5.0 / 6-17: 4.5
NED since resection

jjlist
Posts: 654
Joined: Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:56 pm

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby jjlist » Tue Jun 09, 2015 11:58 pm

I never stop thinking about it. It's very dependant on how you are feeling physically. And dependant on your individual story. cancer is a traumatic life event. I think it's totally normal to think about it often. Now dealing with the thoughts is a whole other thread.
age 56
11/16/09 DIAG low rectal tumor ST II T3N0M0
12/21/09 chemopump radiation
3/18/10 suregry colo-anal anastomosis, no nodes,.
4/29/10 Abcess infection
6/3/10 started 12 folfox sessions completed 10.
1/11/11 ileostomy takedown

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tdsamal
Posts: 619
Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 12:49 am
Facebook Username: malby.tammy
Location: Salem Oregon

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby tdsamal » Wed Jun 10, 2015 1:41 am

Dawn looking at your signature it has only been 5 months since your surgery. No wonder you still have it on your mind. Cancer is cancer, your stage II might be different from my stage IV but it is still cancer! Your whole world has changed in the last 5 months. Give yourself sometime. It does get better but it is slow in coming. Pretty soon you will have 2 scans and then 3 scans that are normal and you will start to breath a little better. Try and remember that it will get better it just takes time.
Tammy
Dx st IV CC & colon resection 11/09
Way to much to list
Last recurrence December 2017

Jachut
Posts: 1137
Joined: Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:16 pm
Facebook Username: hutchinson@aanet.com.au

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby Jachut » Wed Jun 10, 2015 2:31 am

Its still on my mind daily -afterall I have a colostomy to show for it. I'm almost five years from diagnosis and there's no worry or anxiety attached to it anymore. Its just there.

CoachDan
Posts: 47
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 5:59 am
Location: Limerick, PA

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby CoachDan » Wed Jun 10, 2015 6:48 am

One of the things that bums me out is that I know that I will never go back to life before cancer. I will always be reminded. I don't think the people around me understand that. I get a lot of people telling me how I can beat this. Yes, I plan to survive it. But it will never go away.

Dan
47 yo Husband and Father of 13 yo son and 11 yo daughter
DX 4/9/2015 - Rectal Cancer stage 3c
Radiation/Xeloda started 5/6/2015, ended 6/15/2015
APR Surgery 8/14/2015
Folfox started 8/23/2015

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horizon
Posts: 1608
Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby horizon » Wed Jun 10, 2015 7:26 am

I'm not going to lie. Even though I've been NED for several years I still think about it every day. *BUT* I can go long stretches without thinking about it, which used to seem impossible.
I'm just a dude who still can't believe he had a resection and went through chemo (currently 9 years NED). Is this real life?

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Rob in PA
Posts: 2005
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 9:16 pm
Location: Pennsylvania

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby Rob in PA » Wed Jun 10, 2015 9:46 am

I hate to be blunt, but no, you never stop thinking about it. The only thing that improves is the NUMBER of times you think about it as you get farther from diagnosis. Yes, it subsides, but is always in the back of your mind lurking.

On day one of my diagnosis, my doctor told my wife while i was still coming out of sedation from the colonoscopy that "your husband has advanced cancer, and your life will never be the same as you knew it from this day on." He went on to tell her that he was, in fact, a colorectal cancer survivor and that I could be as well....butt, it doesn't alter the fact that life will never be the same.

By the way, my life is GREAT! My new life, I should say. New outlook, new expectations, new friends, old friends who are closer. Terrific wife and kids.

....and butt burn everday of my life :shock: :shock: BUTT, I'll take it over the alternative.


Best to you,
Rob
dx 11/07 crc IIIb @ 39
Xelox/Rad/ temp colostomy
LAR/J-pouch/ temp ileo
Folfox-8
Failed reversal
2/09 liver mets; liver resect/ileo reversal
Folfiri/Avastin - 12
2/11 5 lung mets
Folfiri/Avastin 2011
SBRT 3/12
Lung met 5/13/ said NO to more chemo
SBRT 8/13
2 lung mets 5/14, VATS 8/14, NED

DarknessEmbraced
Posts: 3576
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:54 pm
Facebook Username: Riann Fletcher
Location: New Brunswick, Canada

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby DarknessEmbraced » Wed Jun 10, 2015 9:46 am

I'm six months out from my surgery and i still think about cancer often. I had a clear colonoscopy not too long ago which helped alleviate some anxiety. My ct scans are scheduled for October 5th. I will feel better too once I am able to finally get genetic testing done. I've been having a really bad asthma flare up and have been on a prednisone taper. I think my asthma flare is due to allergies. I hope to be able to get it under control. Cancer has made me much more conscious of what's going on in my body. Anything abnormal causes some anxiety. I know that I will feel better once I have the ct scans so I will know what's going on. I was stage 2a with no chemo but undetermined lymph vascular invasion.
Diagnosed 10/28/14, age 36
Colon Resection 11/20/14, LAR (no illeo)
Stage 2a colon cancer, T3NOMO
Lymph-vascular invasion undetermined
0/22 lymph nodes
No chemo, no radiation
Clear Colonoscopy 04/29/15
NED 10/20/15
Ischemic Colitis 01/21/16
NED 11/10/16
CT Scan moved up due to high CEA 08/21/17
NED 09/25/17
NED 12/21/18
Clear colonoscopy 09/23/19
Clear 5 year scans 11/21/19- Considered cured! :)

disco nap
Posts: 991
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2010 10:45 am

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby disco nap » Wed Jun 10, 2015 7:02 pm

I rarely think about it anymore. I really only think of it when I'm going in for a test.

Yes, it is possible that at some point you will have more days when you don't think about than days that you do. The key is to distract yourself with a very awesome life.
DX July 2 '10 CC Stage IIIC, 11/18 nodes+
Right Hemi July 6 '10
Folfox: Aug 17'10 - Feb 17'11
Mar 2012: Lynch Syndrome MLH1
"Declared well" and been well ever since.
Update: Oct 2019 - still NED.

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horizon
Posts: 1608
Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby horizon » Wed Jun 10, 2015 7:41 pm

disco nap wrote:I rarely think about it anymore. I really only think of it when I'm going in for a test.

Yes, it is possible that at some point you will have more days when you don't think about than days that you do. The key is to distract yourself with a very awesome life.


disco! So glad to hear that about you. :)
I'm just a dude who still can't believe he had a resection and went through chemo (currently 9 years NED). Is this real life?

disco nap
Posts: 991
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2010 10:45 am

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby disco nap » Wed Jun 10, 2015 8:26 pm

Good to see that you are also doing well, H!
DX July 2 '10 CC Stage IIIC, 11/18 nodes+
Right Hemi July 6 '10
Folfox: Aug 17'10 - Feb 17'11
Mar 2012: Lynch Syndrome MLH1
"Declared well" and been well ever since.
Update: Oct 2019 - still NED.

Dawn2015
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Mar 24, 2015 2:32 am

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby Dawn2015 » Wed Jun 10, 2015 8:53 pm

Thank you all for responding. I know this is my life now and it will just take some time to adjust. I have two little ones who need me and I plan on being around for a while.

Thanks
Dawn

You are all so amazing, your strength is encouraging.
Female 35, married, 2 kids
Canada
Diagnosed Feb 6, 2015- sigmoid colon adenocarcinoma
CT Scan showed no mets March 9, 2015
Left hemicolectomy March 20, 2015
0/26 LN
pT3, pNO, pMO (stage II)
No chemo, no radiation
Follow up Oct 2015

HoosierDaddy
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2015 8:31 pm
Facebook Username: n/a

Re: Will I ever stop thinking about cancer?

Postby HoosierDaddy » Wed Jun 10, 2015 9:32 pm

I had my surgery on the same day you did (3/20)-- just the other side = ) I def. think about it everyday, and have even adjusted things at my office job to help ease my mind (more "walk breaks", tried a standing desk this week..) I think it's healthy/normal to think about it often-- especially this early on
37- Male
Stage2 T3
DX and Right Hemicolectomy- 3/2015
two kids under 3, keeps me busy!


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