Bull in a china shop; why I have a hard time with "cancer hugs" at work

[ktwmn]

Okay, so at work today someone I don't know well gives me a hug. I was in the assistant director's office and she just walks in (which she does all the time, because he is very attached to her). She had done so the last time I saw her, after she found out about my recurrence. At that time I accepted it. This time I couldn't help myself, I said, "No....no more cancer hugs! Just treat me like normal." Well, this person was very upset with me and stormed out saying that she won't even say hello anymore. Then I get an email from the assistant director telling me that this employee was so upset because of what I said that she left for the day.

I was opposed to having an announcement given to the whole workplace about "my cancer" to begin with (and later found out that other employees who had shoulder surgery, facelifts, etc. did not have to tell anyone but their boss). I was forced into it and although the people I see day to day are not solicitous like that, when someone else is it just reminds me of cancer. I am known for my directness and there is only so much obsequiousness I can stand. I end up having to apologize to these work people for my terrible personality.

I understand that people who have never gone through this don't know what to say, etc. and I should be more understanding of them and the awkwardness they feel. But I go to work for...work. Sometimes I am caught off guard and don't have a nice socially acceptable response. Sorry for my rant, it's just one of the many gifts this terrible disease keeps giving!

[dontwanttobehere]

While I am still new to this game my jaw dropped when you described what happened. That day I told my co-workers (small office) they all teared up and looked so sad. Someone asked when we got up if they could give me a hug and I replied with a firm "NO, I'm not going to die, geesh". I hear many people share that others simply don't know what to say or do and I get that. But in your case for this co-worker to be so upset she had to leave work...she must have some type of complex. I think you said it well~you go to work to work and that type of behavior reminds you of the cancer. Could you or your boss relay that message to her or anyone else who needs to hear it? Hope the rest of your day got better!!

[aja1121]

WOW. I would just like to say that this person sounds like a giant pain in the ass. If she is soooo concerned about your cancer diagnosis, perhaps she could try to fulfill your wishes by treating you professionally in the workplace. I am sorry that you have to put up with such nonsense.

[orcasres]

KT,

(Love your avatar, BTW). I worked in large companies (GE, Kodak in its prime) and then was an "executive" at four Silicon Valley companies. My executive positions were in IT management, but I also had some HR management experience as well (in CA). No one should ever walk in and give a hug in a professional setting unsolicited; asking first is the only acceptable way that this could or should happen. I get the idea that you go to work to feel and be "normal". If the person had to go home for the day, so be it. Not having them say "hello" to you might be a blessing. Keep an eye on any future reviews, however, to make sure that someone doesn't try to bring it up. A discussion with HR if there is someone there you are comfortable talking with might be a good idea just to try and avoid any of these situations in the future.

I know that there are awkward situations for folks socially where they may say or do the wrong thing, but at work. Pleeeeese. Lois

[Kiwi Debz]

Unbelievable, sounds like he/she is attention seeking .... I will give a hug to the Cancer patient and look good, .... Ha, good on you for chopping their legs out from under them.
Wow some people ....

I have a pretty good rule with my colleagues, told them straight up I don't want any pity party and if they have to say something then take the lead from my son .... Just say, it sucks! So now when they ask how it goes and I tell them they just say, man that sucks!

Works for them and works fine for me as it does ..... just SUCKS!

Deb

[justin case]

I had a boss once who asked me, "Don't you ever smile?" He had just told a joke that probably ridiculed someone else, or putting himself above discourse. He quit that job, and finally a year later, called me at home with a job offer. I took the job, bailed his butt out of trouble, and 8 years later I still don't smile. I don't yell, I don't scream, and I rarely express displeasure with someone. While on chemo or radiation, if anyone touched me, I would have told them to keep their damn hands off me, as most people are just being superficial anyway
Michael

[justin case]

Just another thought, justin case; Copy all written e-mails and try to start a log of such instances, as it may be valuable should you need unemployment benefits.
Sincerely,
Michael

[chemo sabe]

I savor every time a woman gives me a hug. I don't care why.

[Maggie Nell]

Hugs are for family, friends & lovers.

I have been told that when you are having chemo, your immunity is down and you
catch whatever is going around quicker. What are people really doing when they give you an unsolicited
hug in a workplace? Giving you their cooties? That's not support.

[lilacbreastedroller]

Are you kidding me??? Just because you have cancer, that gives anyone the right to just up and wrap their bodies around you? So at your company, if someone comes to work obviously having had a boob job, do people do a titty twist? I can't imagine what they do if someone transitions ...

Good lord. I agree with you. Unsolicited hugs are not acceptable. Sure, hugs from friends and loved ones with permission are awesome.

Great avatar

Hugs (just kidding )

Karin

[JudeD59]

I don't get why the assistant director sent you the email telling you this woman went home for the day. Unless it was a "Can you believe she had to leave just because you asked her to treat you normally?" email. If it was to make you feel guilty for not taking the hug that was thrust upon you without your consent, than that's pretty crappy. If she truly were a compassionate person, she would have responded, "I understand," and left it at that. Doing her little stompy feet thing and saying she won't even say hi to you anymore is really, really childish and unprofessional. She is the one who should be getting a reprimand email.

I don't always know how to act or what to say to people who are ill or who have suffered a loss, but if they tell me what they need, I don't throw a tantrum because it isn't what I was planning to give. Geesh.

Judy

[juliej]

So at your company, if someone comes to work obviously having had a boob job, do people do a titty twist? I can't imagine what they do if someone transitions ...

LOL! Karin, you made me spit water onto my computer screen!

[Maggie Nell]

..

[justin case]

Okay, so at work today someone I don't know well gives me a hug. I was in the assistant director's office and she just walks in (which she does all the time, because he is very attached to her). She had done so the last time I saw her, after she found out about my recurrence. At that time I accepted it. This time I couldn't help myself, I said, "No....no more cancer hugs! Just treat me like normal." Well, this person was very upset with me and stormed out saying that she won't even say hello anymore. Then I get an email from the assistant director telling me that this employee was so upset because of what I said that she left for the day.

I was opposed to having an announcement given to the whole workplace about "my cancer" to begin with (and later found out that other employees who had shoulder surgery, facelifts, etc. did not have to tell anyone but their boss). I was forced into it and although the people I see day to day are not solicitous like that, when someone else is it just reminds me of cancer. I am known for my directness and there is only so much obsequiousness I can stand. I end up having to apologize to these work people for my terrible personality.

I understand that people who have never gone through this don't know what to say, etc. and I should be more understanding of them and the awkwardness they feel. But I go to work for...work. Sometimes I am caught off guard and don't have a nice socially acceptable response. Sorry for my rant, it's just one of the many gifts this terrible disease keeps giving!

Well, talking about an avatar, yours looks just like me, with my blue eyes, and perpetual poker face
Michael

[Sleen]

whaaaat? Is this person a two-year old? She left work?...with permission?...and YOU got an email from the AD?
This is all kinds of messed up.
I'm sorry that you're being forced to endure this kind of nonsense.

Celine