Husbands Ex has stage 4, what about the kids?

[inthemiddle]

Hi all,
I am new to this site. I came here looking for support. My husband's very unfriendly ex wife was diagnosed with cancer in October of 2014. In December, she had a complete colon removal. During her surgery, they found cancer on her liver. During this time, we have tried to continue our every-other-weekend visitation, but we don't want to pressure the kids. (Ages 14, 15, and 18). We live two hours away from them, but neither of us work, so we're available to go at any time.

The problem: we have asked if it would be helpful for us to relocate to her town, to let the kids live with us. She said no. We have asked if there is anything we can do. She said no. We even sacrificed Christmas this year. We rented a hotel room in her town, and tried to do Christmas up there - to make it less stressful for the kids and to make sure they were there for her comfort. No appreciation from anyone. (not that we wanted a pat on the back, but a thank you would have been nice).

We only found out a couple of days ago that she is stage 4. She will not provide ANY information, and neither do the kids. We are talking about just moving up there, and being there anyhow (aside from what she said). But then, we don't want to cause any animosity, or stress. (my husband has epilepsy, so keeping stress to a minimum is a must).

What should we do?

[PainInTheAss]

I have to say, I'm seeing this more from her side. Asking to take the kids is implying that she can't take care of them and she clearly can. It also implies that they would be happier away from her which is offensive to everyone involved (including the kids).

Being stage 4 does not mean she's dying. My Oncologist has a patient who is stage 4 he has been treating for 17 years. Being overly concerned about her stage and trying to get information about it from anyone in the family is offensive to her.

These kids are old enough to think and speak for themselves. If they want to spend more time with their dad, they will say so. Your "helpfulness" is coming off as a criticism of her ability to mother her children. Of course she isn't giving a thank you.

If you really want to destress the situation for the kids, you should back off and let things play out on their own. If anyone needs you to be more involved, they will ask. Until that happens, the kids are better off with as much staying the same as possible right now.

Sorry, I'm not telling you want to hear, but as a mother of teens and a cancer patient, I can say I would have been very offended if my ex and his new women tried to imply I couldn't take care of my kids and they should be away from me. You are wrong to assume that they don't want to be with her. They probably do even more and want to help as much as they can. If anything, you should be offering to skip your weekends and let the kids be with their mom and help out if she needs it. But I think that might be offensive as well. Maybe the best thing is stop offering anything at all and just be supportive of her desire for privacy. That seems to be what she wants most of all.

[inthemiddle]

Thank you for your honesty. That is exactly what I was looking for. I think I would probably feel the same way, but I have never been in that position.

[weisssoccermom]

I have to say that, IMO, the one thing that cancer patients want is NORMALCY. Oftentimes that isn't possible, but as best as they can, they try to have things remain normal. In addition, cancer takes away control from the patient. From a cancer patient's perspective, especially in the very beginning, it seems as though everything in their life is out of their control.
Taking those two things into consideration, IF you moved up there...you would be disrupting whatever 'normalcy' she may have left and taking away what little 'control' she has over her life. I'm sure you mean well, but the best thing that you can do is let her know that IF she needs anything....IF she needs to have a free weekend.....IF she needs your hubby to come up and go to a kid's baseball game, school concert/play or anything else.....basically IF and when she needs something....let her know that you guys are there for her.

The kids are old enough to call if they need help....they are old enough to reach out to you if they need to talk. Take your cue from them and from her. Send her a card from time to time telling her that you are thinking of her and hoping things are going well. I sent a card every two weeks to a friend who was undergoing chemo. It wasn't much but she really appreciated coming home and finding something in her mailbox. It's the little things that will mean the most....the phone calls to the kids, the cards in the mailbox, the volunteering to help the 15 year old learn to drive, etc...the just being there and recognizing that the best you can do is be there to listen. She may not want to call.....but then again she might. Let her call the shots because honestly, it is about her right now.

[PainInTheAss]

Thank you for your honesty. That is exactly what I was looking for. I think I would probably feel the same way, but I have never been in that position.

I know you are concerned and want to do something to help, but you're exactly right. It's impossible to know when you're not in that position. I would have made the same mistake before being diagnosed. Your heart's in the right place. It's just really great when someone just talks to you like a normal person and doesn't make a big deal out of your cancer.

[Lisahopes]

I guess I see it a little differently seeing as though I was a caretaker and not a cancer patient.

More than likely is that she will not live 5 years. These kids will eventally need their dad.

If things haven't been pleasant for a long time, now is the time to reach out so that these kids know they have you (and so does she). I like the idea of card or a telephone call letting them/her know that you are thinking of them and are there for them. Don't be intrusive. Reach out but take the cue from her/kids.

Who else does the mom have to help her? If she only has her kids, she will be needing you guys eventually.

[jillbugs4110]

God willing I.hope she proves ya wrong and lives to raise her kids.

[sadysue]

I would continue as you have always done with the kids. When and if extra help is needed, you have already put the generous offer out there. Let the ex or the kids approach you next time. Best wishes and good luck to you all

[PainInTheAss]

God willing I.hope she proves ya wrong and lives to raise her kids.

Yeah, no sh*t!

[CRguy]

I guess I see it a little differently seeing as though I was a caretaker and not a cancer patient.

More than likely is that she will not live 5 years. These kids will eventally need their dad.

If things haven't been pleasant for a long time, now is the time to reach out so that these kids know they have you (and so does she). I like the idea of card or a telephone call letting them/her know that you are thinking of them and are there for them. Don't be intrusive. Reach out but take the cue from her/kids.

Who else does the mom have to help her? If she only has her kids, she will be needing you guys eventually.

Lisa …… great advice

I AM a cancer patient and have been caregiver twice so I am coming from both sides.

CR

[PainInTheAss]

I guess I see it a little differently seeing as though I was a caretaker and not a cancer patient.

More than likely is that she will not live 5 years. These kids will eventally need their dad.

If things haven't been pleasant for a long time, now is the time to reach out so that these kids know they have you (and so does she). I like the idea of card or a telephone call letting them/her know that you are thinking of them and are there for them. Don't be intrusive. Reach out but take the cue from her/kids.

Who else does the mom have to help her? If she only has her kids, she will be needing you guys eventually.

Lisa …… great advice

I AM a cancer patient and have been caregiver twice so I am coming from both sides.

CR

This situation and the poster's questions have nothing to do with the caretaker role. I will never need my ex or his family no matter how bad off I am. I would turn to my family.

The question is whether the kids need to change their routine right now based simply on the mom's diagnosis. If the mom were on her death bed, that would be a different conversation. But that doesn't seem to be the case. The kids do not need to start now in spending more time with the ex and his new wife beyond the every other weekend they are already are now to get used to the mom not being around in the possibly distant future. That's ridiculous.

The issue here is offering help that is not wanted but assuming it's needed when it probably isn't. She doesn't want help with the kids. Just trust her that she doesn't need it. Pretty simple.

[CRguy]

I am unclear how my support of another poster's view is relevant ????

The OP's post is exactly about caregiver status and her, and her extended family's situation.

I understand if your own situation may have given you a different perspective on how you would want things to evolve in your own life …
BUTT the OP was asking for input about HER life.

[PainInTheAss]

No, it wasn't about her caregiver status. It was about wanting to take the kids more. That's not caregiving, that's child rearing. Moving closer has nothing to do with caregiving either when the mom has not asked for any help. You can't be a caregiver to someone who doesn't want your help.

This entire forum is about asking for input from people in similar situations. I am not out of line in answering her question.

[Lisahopes]

No, it wasn't about her caregiver status. It was about wanting to take the kids more. That's not caregiving, that's child rearing. Moving closer has nothing to do with caregiving either when the mom has not asked for any help. You can't be a caregiver to someone who doesn't want your help.

This entire forum is about asking for input from people in similar situations. I am not out of line in answering her question.

I understood the OP differently, as did CRGuy. You seem to be interpreting the worst intentions. And why shouldn't the dad play his role in childrearing especially since he will likely have to do so in the future. I nver suggested moving but reaching out.

These kids need their dad to let them know that he is there for them when the time comes (and not only when on her deathbed as that is too late to create trust).

And just maybe there is no one else to give support, that is why I asked concrete questions on this.

[bitchslapped]

Oh boy, here I go; I'm going to chime in. First off I am a stepmom. I agree w/PITA 100%.
There are very few amicable divorces & probably old resentments harbored. A lot of history we don't know here in trying to provide input. Given what we can ascertain from the original poster, & w/o knowing how long you two have been married, I can only suggest the safer way to go is for the father to be the one to reach out to the mother & the kids.
#1. This has been done, more than once apparently.
#2. My guess is Mom has asked (or demanded) the kids to keep her situation private (as is her right). Don't pump the kids for info!
#3. Husband & wife can together @ some point in time, sit down w/the kids & let them know it is OK NOT to discuss Mom's personal condition. However, if they ever feel like they need to talk about the effects on them or their concerns, they are safe to do so while still respecting Mom. That it will remain confidential & make sure it does unless permission given from the child to act.
#4. Then leave it alone. Stay off the phone, out of the mailbox unless this is normal to the existing relationship &/or would only be a slight increase. Now is not the time to fuel the fire w/obvious attempts which would appear threatening to her as a "personal agenda".
#5. There will be no way to spare the kids pain & heartache. It's just life @ its crappiest.

Add'l stress won't help Mom, the kids, or apparently your husband. Your concerns, inthemiddle, as a stepmom, are valid, your efforts admirable. I would just say "don't go knocking on trouble's door".
Sometimes situations are just plain unpleasant. But I find curious that you have stated that you & your husband "try" to maintain regular visitations w/the kids. Are you feeling resistance? I know teenagers can be too busy to bother w/parents, rather spend time w/their friends, school, job.

What would I do? I would view this site to learn more about cancer, the personal struggles patients & families experience to gain insight/compassion for the mom. You will also see the humanity, differences of opinions, shared humor. There is just no way to predict the course of cancer. If you remember anything, remember than the mom is "not cancer on a stick". She is not her disease. She is their mom. Let us know how you are coming along in handling this. We are here to support, swap ideas/concerns...& yes, sometimes disagree!

Best wishes
bitchslapped