What they say when you tell 'm

[Annemiek]

Okay, this is a moan topic, I'm sure this has been covered in the past, but yesterday, someone was able to say #1 to #5 all in 1 conversation!! i'm thinking of starting a bullshit bingo sheet and yell BINGO!! Everytime this happends.

#1 "but you look so healthy and well". ( yeeah, I rot from the inside out)
#2 "you look so thin, I wish I could loose so much weight so fast" ( no you wouldn't)
#3 "Do you think you will ever return to work, if I was you I'd chuck it and keep on enjoying the quiet life" ( errrrrm duh!)
#4 "my neighbour had chemo and she said it wasn't bothering her much, she was only a bit tired "(I bet she was)
#5 they can do so much these days, I'm sure you'll be fine ( eeeh)
#6 call me when you need anything ( Except I can't help on any of those days except monday morning from 8 to 10)
#7 dokter: don't you worry about your cea, that's for us to think about ( who's body are we talking about????)
# 8 scan technitian at my very first ct scan, before being diagnosed but after the colonscopy wow, you are so young for what you have! ( I don't know what I have, please tell me, I'm freaking out)
#9 "i can not look at scars, it makes me sick" ( yeah, wait until you get some of your own girl!)

funny thing is, I don't really know how I'd react if a friend of familymember came up to me and told me my story. I only realise now that some things that seem perfectly ok to say are really awful if you're on the other side.
Usually the response is lovely and well meant, but sometimes...... Ugh I just want to strangle people!

[AbsumZero]

I've gotten a lot of:

"It sounds like you've been through so much! When can you come back to work? Everyone hates doing your job."

"You need to start going to church, get down on your knees, ask God to heal you and repent your sins."

[exaussie]

Yeah this is very common. I think a lot of people don't know what to say and stuff just falls out of their mouths
I was told my son looked so healthy on his engagement party--he didn't look good at all and ended up in ER that night and we were told
chemo had failed.
I realized that when I said what can I do to help in the past, that it isn't worth saying. Now what I say is, I can bring dinner, what night works for you?
Or I can pick up groceries, or take you to your appt on this day, or can I just hug you and bring you tea? Being specific really helps the patient and the
care giver.
The weight one-well I still want to punch a few people for that one
The my neighbor, uncle, aunts best friends daughters husbands newspaper delivery person one is always sucky...
The dr, technician one is crazy, never heard those before.

[KWT]

What they're really Thinking is: better you than me!

[Annemiek]

Ha! That doctor one happends while in hospital and I still wish I did threw my shoe after her when she left the room, I was just too flabbergasted ( and weak) . The technician I reported ( whilest crying my eyes out) to one of his collegues that really was a first class offence against a patient.

Luckily my collegues are genuine very nice and want me back because I usually know all the gossip and they are bored without me. ( as am I)

[Ontario Guy]

My favourite:

"You don't look like you have cancer."

My response:

"Neither do you."

Some people mean well but end up saying dumb things in spite of themselves. Others are just jerks. I guess we have to figure out which are which.

Best,

OG

[JudeD59]

When I told my sister-in-law of 32 years last week, she said, "Oh, that's what Pamela's sister died from."

Conversation over.

When I was in the hospital for my endoscopy, after I already knew it was rectal cancer for sure, but before I knew how advanced it was, I struck up a lively conversation with my recovery room nurse. We were joking back and forth and she was asking me lots of questions about my life for about 15 minutes, and then all of a sudden she started crying and said, "I'm sorry for the news you got today." I looked at her, bewildered, and said that I already knew I had cancer, this was just about staging and she said, "I know. I'm sorry." I got freaked out, thinking she had seen the report and the cancer was everywhere. It wasn't and the news that day was actually pretty good, considering. It was touching that she didn't see me as just another patient in the cancer assembly line, but she scared the he-- out of me.

One thing that has surprised me has been how many people I only know as acquaintances who have told me they or one of their loved ones went through the battle with rectal cancer. I've known them casually for years and never knew. Maybe people are shy about talking about it because it's rectal? I don't know. I've already overshared with my circle of friends and family when I had my hysterectomy for borderline serious tumors in 2006 and then my bowel resection in 2010. I don't think they will be surprised when I give them rectal cancer details.

Judy

[CoachDan]

So many people ask if there is anything they can do or tell you that they are here if you need anything. Honestly, I don't know what I need. But it lifts my spirits when people do something, anything. Invite my kids over for a sleepover. Fix something I haven't been able to get to. Whatever.

[JudeD59]

Honestly, at this point, when people ask what they can do, I ask them to do something for my husband. I haven't started treatment yet, but I already feel lousy and have since January between the tailbone pain, the crampy stomach, the hitting the bathroom fifteen times a day and having nothing happen, and the blood loss. Not to mention the anxiety. There isn't much you can do for me besides leave me alone to rest and process what is happening.

My husband is dealing with the stress of worrying about me plus trying to keep up at work while taking me to appointments, plus carrying some of the load with cooking and cleaning. When people ask if they can do something, I ask them to take him to the mountains for the weekend or out for a cup of coffee or to take his emergency calls for the weekend so he can relax. I know it's only going to get tougher for me, but it's only going to get tougher for him, too, so I don't want him to burn out before the hardest part even begins.

The other thing I ask people to do is text or email me instead of calling. I'm just too wiped out to talk to one more person on the phone and explain it to them. It's easier if I can call them back when I feel up to talking.

[trbiggins]

A question I get often that drives me crazy:
How many treatments have you got left? When I say "Until it works" they look so confused. What should say? "Until it doesn't work anymore?" I know most people are ignorant of how cancer treatment works but when I explain it once and a few weeks later they ask again, it's all I can do to be nice.

Richard

[LB10]

What they're really Thinking is: better you than me!

You are so right. I think people are so relieved it's not them...I think that's the root of some offers of help, not all but some.
I was at an extended family gathering today, if I had a penny for every person that told me I looked so good...I know they meant well but I don't even know what that is supposed to mean or how to respond to it. I just thanked them but it made me feel so strange.

[justin case]

I've gotten a lot of:

"It sounds like you've been through so much! When can you come back to work? Everyone hates doing your job."

"You need to start going to church, get down on your knees, ask God to heal you and repent your sins."

It's better than, gee we knew you went through cancer treatments, so we trained you on the new machine, and no one else
Are you sure your doctor's appointment is more important than our customer

[BrownBagger]

"But they got it early, right?"

Uh, no.

[KWT]

"But they got it early, right?"

Uh, no.

They got mine around 9:45 am

[Annemiek]

It was 4.30, just before picking up the kid. Perrrrfect timing..