I had my first breakdown tonight

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Nik Colon

I had my first breakdown tonight

Postby Nik Colon » Sun Mar 08, 2015 12:11 am

Just the stress adding up and trying to be happy and positive. It just gets tiring. I hate breaking. On a good note, got a couple beers out of it :D

MrsOssie
Posts: 28
Joined: Wed Feb 06, 2013 8:04 am

Re: I had my first breakdown tonight

Postby MrsOssie » Sun Mar 08, 2015 2:20 am

Been there!

It's exhausting trying to keep it together when you are scared and overwhelmed by the info and decisions. Gotta let out a little pressure from time to time otherwise you might burst.

I think it's good for people to see someone as strong as you can express some emotion, be real about the situation (hopefully with friends and/or family) and still get on with things. Crying or no crying - you are still strong.

Unfortunately and fortunately for us all here, though cancer and treatments may weaken you for a while, it can also strengthen you further. I, and so many people here, have walked/are walking through the unimaginable and have found a depth of strength that we never knew we had. Praying that you also find more strength and amazing real life shoulder(s) to cry on, as well as drawing upon support here.

Hugs
Stage IV - 2 +ve lymph nodes & liver mets
32 F - Dxd Oct 2012
FOLFOX Dec 2012-Aug2013 (12 cycles)
Liver & colon resections, ablation, radiation & ileostomy Feb-Jun 2013
Ileostomy reversal Sept 2013
2nd Liver resection Feb 2015 - 1 met

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purplekangaroo
Posts: 88
Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2015 6:08 am
Location: England

Re: I had my first breakdown tonight

Postby purplekangaroo » Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:26 am

Your human, its impossible to be 'strong' all of the time. Positive, eugh that's what everyone tells us we should be, but your right it is tiring and sometimes we're not positive - we're angry, upset, jealous a million emotions. Things is I think we are always worrying about other people and being 'positive' for them we put our own emotions in a que. I feeling a lot more selfish these days, sick of putting everyone else's emotions first.

You have so much of the right sort of support here as unfortunately we all have been through it, some alot worse that others but we have all heard those dreaded words and the utter fear that comes with a cancer diagnosis.

Sorry for my jumbled ramble, but I hope you get the gist of what I mean. Any time you need a vent, just vent. No one here expects you to be anything you don't feel like being.
LAR 29/10/13
Leak, temp ileo 5/11/13
Stage 3cc aged 31 4\20 nodes
6 months xelox 24/12/13
1 clear CT 5/7/14
Genetic test negative for lynch
Ileo reversed 18/11/14
Colonoscopy 6/2/15 normal
Second CT 6/2/15 ??
Trying to resume some sort of normality??

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TheLadySkye
Posts: 269
Joined: Thu Oct 24, 2013 1:40 pm

Re: I had my first breakdown tonight

Postby TheLadySkye » Sun Mar 08, 2015 1:32 pm

Which I could have bought you one of those beers (and a shot of whiskey to go with it). Those moments of breaking suck, but we can't be strong all the time. Sometimes we just need to acknowledge that this sucks, and sucky things warrant tears, screams, and a bit o' fallin' apart.

Then we pick ourselves up and remember that sucky things also deserve to be punched in the face and stabbed in the eye, and we keep on fighting. <3
TheLadySkye
Stage 2b (T4N0M0) small intestine (jejunum) 8/13
Small bowel resection 9/13
CT 10/13 - NED
FOLFOX chemotherapy 11/13 - 4/14
CT 6/14 - NED and my nemesis (the power port) out!
Clean colonoscopy and endoscopy 9/14
CT 12/14, 6/15 - NED!!!

Nik Colon

Re: I had my first breakdown tonight

Postby Nik Colon » Sun Mar 08, 2015 5:17 pm

Thank you all, I'm feeling a little better today. Sometimes we just need to have one of those days to let it out. Usually I feel much better after :)

Lee
Posts: 6207
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: I had my first breakdown tonight

Postby Lee » Sun Mar 08, 2015 5:19 pm

I know I've been in your shoes a few time over the years. We all need to do it at times. If not, I think we would go insane. Glad to hear today is better.

Be kind to yourself,

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 16 years and counting!

plastikos
Posts: 351
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 6:09 am

Re: I had my first breakdown tonight

Postby plastikos » Sun Mar 08, 2015 5:25 pm

I know how you feel. Its ok to let it out. Its ok to feel crappy sometimes. No one can be positive ALL the time.
St. IV Colon CA @ 37, male, Kras wild, MSI-high (2014)
11/2014 Right Hemicolectomy + Liver Resection
12/2014 - 6/2015 FOLFOX + Cetuximab
10/2015 - Recurrence liver
Liver resection 10/2015
FOLFIRI 11/2015 - 5/2016
Recurrence liver, nodes 11/2016
Pembrolizumab started 12/2016 -> pseudoprogression(?) -> biliary obstruction -> biliary stenting
Chemo 4x: most mets inactive and smaller on PET-CT
March 2017 - Back on Pembrolizumab again
Sept 2017 - SIRT - > NED
2019 NED

Nik Colon

Re: I had my first breakdown tonight

Postby Nik Colon » Sun Mar 08, 2015 5:58 pm

Thx Lee and plastikos. I just hate being vulnerable and crying around people. I know it's ok to butt, I just sometimes find it hard as I really don't have many places to go atm that I can be alone or feel comfortable letting my feelings out. I guess it makes me feel weak.

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MamaN
Posts: 666
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 2:34 am

Re: I had my first breakdown tonight

Postby MamaN » Sun Mar 08, 2015 6:18 pm

Rizt,
It's hard to be strong through this. It is definetly not a sign of weakness to cry , scream or get angry. It's a sign of strength ! You can't keep all your emotions in , all bottled up . We have all been there . You are not alone . ((Hugs))
Ronni
Dx@45 stage t3 n1b m unknown IIIB
Resected in 8/2010 rectosigmoid
5.5 tumor with 3 /26 lymph nodes
Lymph vascular invasion
Folfox sept 2010 to feb 2011
10 tx only stopped due to low wbc

Lee
Posts: 6207
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: I had my first breakdown tonight

Postby Lee » Sun Mar 08, 2015 6:28 pm

ritz75 wrote:Thx Lee and plastikos. I just hate being vulnerable and crying around people. I know it's ok to butt, I just sometimes find it hard as I really don't have many places to go atm that I can be alone or feel comfortable letting my feelings out. I guess it makes me feel weak.


When I was 1st diagnosed, those 1st few weeks were a blur. I was talking to someone (can't remember her title), butt I told her, I can cry and I don't know why. She told me"that is because you are in warrior/fight mode and you feel you will have to let your guard down to cry". She told me the same as I'm about to tell you. It's ok, in time you will have that cry.

She was right, I did eventually have one good "hell of cry" moment. Have had a few more since then. It's ok, I think we can all relate.

Remember, we are here for you, (((HUGS)))

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 16 years and counting!

Nik Colon

Re: I had my first breakdown tonight

Postby Nik Colon » Sun Mar 08, 2015 6:30 pm

Thanx again Ronni and Lee. :)


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