OT but Update on my mother and could use advice.

[dianetavegia]

I mentioned a few months ago that my mother, age 82, had her first colonoscopy (complete) and the doctor supposedly told her 'Another two weeks and this would have been cancer'. The polyp was supposedly very large and close to the rectum. Pathology said pre cancerous but the doctor didn't remove the whole polyp and told her to return in one year. She supposedly said it was 'too large' to remove.

I mentioned about 10 days ago that mother went to the ER for a horrible cough that had lasted over 3 weeks even with antibiotics. They did a CT scan w/o that showed COPD and a 'mass RUL suspicious for cancer'. The rad personally brought her the results and told her he felt sure it was lung cancer and she needed to follow up as soon as possible. She's now coughing up blood, several times a day.

She saw her cardiologist (she has no heart problems) on Tuesday and he looked at the CT and showed her the film. The mass on his viewer was long and curvy about the length of a pencil. Narrower by far than wide. He's ordered a CT but they wouldn't do it until they did blood work. The blood work was back yesterday but she hasn't gotten a call to schedule the CT yet.

Yesterday she saw her gyn who agreed. Mother asked for a bone scan because her shoulder and one spot on her spine have been hurting for months.

I'm guessing she has CRC and mets from the 'two more weeks.......' I'm so frustrated because she's got a young boyfriend and isn't rushing to get this checked. Denial? Afraid she'll lose him? He doesn't know her age.

I admitted to her that I'm very concerned and now she won't answer my calls. I called her from my cell today and she didn't recognize the number. 3 minutes and 42 seconds...... and she was trying to get off the phone for at least 2 mins. She did promise to let me know when her CT was scheduled but she also said "They can't do it with contrast so it won't be any good so I may not have it." I reminded her that I'm allergic to the contrast and my CT's are done w/o.

I know this isn't the normal type post but what should I do? She's never been an endearing person and I'm all she has left other than this boyfriend of 1 year. She has alienated her brother, sister in law and sister. I don't know who has her medical power of attorney. It was my Aunt who is hospitalized with Sjogren's Syndrome.

Should I not call? She told me not to text. She doesn't know how to type so she won't respond to emails and claims she never gets them (unless it's a cute picture). She's NOT close to my children. My brother (she was not close to him due to his mental issues from our childhood) was murdered 7 years ago in April.

I feel like I have a lot of experience and knowledge that could help her with decisions. I'm just so confused as to how to handle this. My husband says don't answer her calls when she does call but I can't do that. No matter what, this is my mother.

Thoughts?

[Nik Colon]

If she's 82 maybe she just doesn't want to know or deal with it. I know it's hard but I guess it's really her decision. Sorry you have to go through this.

[dianetavegia]

She's 82 and in the last year has traveled to Italy, France, Switzerland, Ireland without a tour guide. She has two homes and lives half the year in a cabin in the mountains and half by Gulf Shores (brand new house). She's able to do anything she wants. Her last trip lasted 45 days! She's got another trip planned that will end in England after a month in a villa in France.

They go dancing weekly, eat out 2 times a day. They have an antique booth in a big shop downtown Mobile. She's SO full of life that this makes no sense. Denial is going to cost her years of life.

She thinks it's 'nothing' or lung cancer and I've not mentioned CRC mets to her.

She has 3 phones. Her boyfriend has a home phone (She told me she can't call me from there because he doesn't want people to know his number. I looked it up on white pages but have never called.) He has a cell. She hasn't got voice mail set up on her cell and one phone doesn't have an answering machine. She has this trick where she'll call me on Sunday when she KNOWS I'm in church and says 'I thought maybe I'd catch you before you left for church.... always forget about the time difference.'

I'm so frustrated! My Aunt and Uncle do not know. I did tell our sons. I haven't told my father (they've been divorced 44 years.)

[Nik Colon]

you can only do so much. Keep trying to talk to her but try not to stress about it too much. Maybe send her a message even if she doesn't respond telling her how you feel or what you think. At least then she will know and you tried. Best wishes.

[dianetavegia]

Thanks Ritz.

I think I'll send an email saying how much I miss talking with her and hope she has a good weekend. She's never answered an email because she doesn't know how to type.

I just don't know what else to do. I'd made plans to go last weekend and couldn't get her to answer my calls so ended up cancelling.

[Nik Colon]

Best of luck!

[MamaN]

Hi Diane
All i can say is wow . I can't beleive this ! just wow . I feel for you so deeply ! My mom had lung cancer and when it came back she told no one ! My dad had passed already 10 yrs earlier . It was like she did nt care, she still had three children and a grandson . I guess it was her choice , but still upsets me to this day. She passed at 72 . I hope you can get throught to her. You will be in my thoughts!

[JDinNC]

Diane,

I feel you answered your own question. Tell her what you just told us. Explain how much you admired her independence, that the things she does especially at her age is so impressive. And that it scares you to see that she's willing to risk all of it because she refuse to follow up on her health issues.
If she still Won't listen to you then there's not much you can do. And if you are able to have a serious conversation, find out what you can do for her. Be open even if you don't agree with her decisions. You need to be prepared for any future outcome.

Sending Hope your way..

Jan

[Regan]

Snail mail a heart written letter... Maybe she'll read it over and over and your love will come thru

[dianetavegia]

I sent her an email telling her how much I missed talking with her and I'd let her guide the conversations and decide if she wanted to talk about doctors, tests, or whatever.

She called me and never mentioned my note but we talked for 2 hours the first night and twice since then. She's calling me from her home phone. She's doing some special things like putting up antique lighting and having the yard sodded so she can put her house up for sale.

She saw two doctors and her internist is very very worried and insisted on a full body scan instead of just the lung. He's concerned because of constant diarrhea, side pains, spinal pain, shoulder pain and coughing up blood. That's scheduled for this Friday. I did tell her she can call and ask him to get the results to her. His office girl gave her an appointment two weeks after the scan. He told her already that he'd set up a biopsy with a thoracic surgery ASAP.

Thanks for all your suggestions. Just being honest with her helped and like today, we talked about her and her boyfriend going to Rotten Bayou Cemetery to find some lost relatives and I was giving her the list of who should be buried there. Only mention of her health was that she'd been told she would be given contrast to drink that won't cause problems even tho she's allergic to iodine. I just said 'Cool'!

Thank you again. Only people who've lived with cancer can understand.

[Nik Colon]

Very happy to hear she is talking to you and getting some tests done even if she is not discussing the cancer issue. Hope all goes well

[Jack&KatiesMommy]

Diane:
The coughing up blood sounds more suspiciously like lung cancer. (MY Mom was just diagnosed with it last week....and she never ever smoked.) Having a larger mass in the RUL is also suggestive of lung cnacer (they say that is where it most often grows first.) Lung cancer is much more aggressive than CRC...so if she can have it treated (surgically) before it spreads it is her best chance. I guess, I would keep pushing my Mom. I know she doesn't seem to want your help...and it is her life...but I guess my instincts, as a daughter would be to keep trying to help her understand the magnitude of the situation. Again, this is just my opinion...and just what I would do in such a situation. So sorry that you have to go through this.
Cynthia