27 years ago

[singingholly]

May I talk as the child who will leave alone her dad too soon? I know I'm old to make any comparison with your son... too cruel has been his fate. But I was born when my father was only 23 so he is still young and he's just lost his wife... I don't know when it will be but he will lose his daughter too. Well I would like so much him to understand that my life has been beautiful and happy as well... so full of love, even in pain... the most beautiful story on earth infact. This is why I want to be remembered with joy, real joy, not with pain and sorrow, because in joy I used to live, I used to be myself, his little girl, and only in joy I could live again, only in joy my spirit will be around. I wish he will let me go because I would like to come back as a joyful thought that keeps his hand each new morning and not as a painful thought that paralyzes his life.
I apologize if I dare too much because I don't know what to lose a child means...
Olivia

[Danieljt]

My heart goes out to you. God bless you and your son. Hugs
Jackie

[Danieljt]

Olivia, your post made me cry. With me and my husband both having cancer I just couldn't imagine how our 3 sons would handle the death of me or my husband or both. Even though they are 36,37,42 we have had 7 months to get used to this idea and I think that time has really helped. Anyway. I wish you the best and will pray for you.
Jackie

[CRguy]

exaussie and Chixter I feel you share with us every parents worst nightmare ... losing a child.
...singingholly you have added another voice to this .... the child, you fear will leave the parent.

This forum is many things to many people, but if I can say to the three of you here, now .....
you embody what is REAL and sustaining about who we all are here.

Love
Pain
Loss
Sharing
being REAL with each other.

Thank you for sharing your deepest emotions with us.
What can we do to support, love and sustain you ?

Harmony
CRguy

[Nik Colon]

Big hugs to you (((exaussie)))

[WifeOfMike]

Loss of a Loved one is something I unfortunately know too much of.

I lost my baby sister in 1995 at 36, and her 4 year old son at the same sad accident. I saw first hand what it did to my parents and know what to did to me.
A scant two years later I lost my older brother in 1997 at 44, in another quick incident. It devastated my parents for a long time- I am not sure my dad ever got over it.
Speed dial to 2011 and I lost my father, on his 96th birthday no less.
I just lost my hubby & best friend of 34 years January 1st 2015, at the young age of 59

I know that my life will go on, as much pain as I feel today. My earlier losses have taught me that much. Yes, at odd times through the years I still get hit by their loss & wish they were here
I can also tell you, although I miss every single one of them, that the pain looses it's razor sharp edges and the beautiful memories become stronger..... over time.
I remember the laughter, the good times, even conversations with all of them. I remember holidays and fun times spent. I remember goofy times and special moments
Those are the thoughts that get me through each day now. That and knowing it would have devastated them if their not being here with me now, brought me to my knees

So through my tears, I get up every day and put my feet in motion.... for them, for ME, for my 3 sons, my mom & dear friends- who are still with me
I also know that although my heart has broken many times, I really believe that it has grown back stronger, with a bigger compassion for my friends & family
I light candles every night in honor of all we have lost, for the loved ones left behind, and for those in the fight

This poem for ME, sums it up. I hope it helps one of you in your sadness, and lifts your heart- if even for a moment.
I walk beside you, although you may not see me
Much love to all,
Vicki

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths.
These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen."
- Elizabeth Kubler Ross

[janklo]

Exaussie and Chixter, I know your pain. We've celebrated Lauren's 29th and 30th birthdays. My husband, our daughter Jenn and son-in-law Bob always visit the cemetery first. I have a bouquet made all in pink abd with a small barbie doll in the arrangement, Lauren's fav. Then we go out to dinner and reminisce about her. Last year for her 30th I had keychains made for each of us with 3 pennies. One 1984 year of her birth, one 2010 year of her diagnosis and one 2012 year she became an angel. They have her initial, the cancer ribbon and angel wings on them.

Idk, this helps us to remember her in this way. This year we will have Baby Nora with us and she will be a huge asset. Shell be six months old.

So I think figure out something you wanna do for that special day and do it. It will help.

[chixter]

This is why I want to be remembered with joy, real joy, not with pain and sorrow, because in joy I used to live, I used to be myself, his little girl, and only in joy I could live again, only in joy my spirit will be around. I wish he will let me go because I would like to come back as a joyful thought that keeps his hand each new morning and not as a painful thought that paralyzes his life.

Dear Olivia,
I read your post here this morning a few times. I kept it in front of me all day and considered the beauty in these words and the perspective of the soul that these words came from. The gratitude I hold cannot be expressed.

It is no secret to anyone that I am taking the loss of my Katie very hard. I've often wondered if there was any way out of the darkness or if this is my lot, the rest of my life. Realizing the thoughts behind these words was like opening shutters on a window where the light was just there, waiting to be let in. I instantly saw just what it was that was doing a great disservice to me, to my wife, and also to Katie. I have been playing the 133 days from her dx to her departure over and over again in my head...like a sad movie that I could not walk away from. It has become the painful thought that has paralyzed my life.

Through it all Kate expressed her concern about me to her mother. She also bravely spoke about the things we have done together, the laughs and memories we held so dear. It is myself who has allowed my grief to focus on just 133 days of her 25 year life. I feel foolish for letting this happen, for I know Katie wished for me to remember the joy. Once again, the beautiful people on this forum come through and with power. I have received more comfort from what you have written here, than anything that has been said to me over the last six months. So much has this lifted me, If you have no objections dear sister, I would like to have these words printed and framed by Katie's portrait where I greet her each day. Those words can remind me to go to the brighter place, the place where we were before the terrible summer. Those words can help me cope by remembering her as she wants me to remember her.

Thank you for helping me to open my own eyes. I'm sending thoughts of peace and hope for you across the sea. (((Olivia)))

Greg

[exaussie]

Greg I actually did the same thing. I have read those words over and over. What an amazing letter from the opposite perspective for us.
Olivia your words are so touching and amazing.

CR your question already shows you are doing all that's needed caring, loving, supportive of all of us.

[singingholly]

My darling friends. I'm just honoured by the consideration you show of my words and I'm a little frightened by the idea that maybe your child would not like them or they might have chosen differently... I don't know... It's really a too much great responsability for me to accept it so... don't ask me please! Of course I'm overwhelmed by joy if through my words you could feel, deep inside you, that light is needed in your lives to recognize and really remember your child and let them in, again.
Your answer to my words is simply one of the gretest gift I ever received.
So, of course you can do absolutely whatever you want with them!!! I'm so happy I can't express...
This kind of connection is just as bright and glorious as humble and cosy... the feeling I could be of some help just so simply, saying what it's true and important for me...
You are wonderful people, you know I love you and tonight I'm falling asleep keeping your hands and smiling at you, through the miles... thank you for this.
I'm even more confused than usual... sorry, it's a big emotion...
Olivia

[teachpdx]

Happy birthday to your son and I hope in the coming years there is less pain and more joy.

[lpas]

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your precious son.

There is a part of me that has begun to accept the possibility of my own early death, but there is no part of me that can fathom--even for a moment--the loss of one of my kids. That fact that you are here every day continuing to read and to post and to help others, tells me that you are an exceptionally strong person.

[elise]

(((HUGS)))

Elise

[momof3]

I'm so sorry for the losses stated here. It is too sad and unimaginable and wrong. But Olivia's words are so beautiful. I have been thinking about this since reading yesterday and Olivia your words are a gift to those posting here and I think you have a gift and important message to share with other parents experiencing this horrible grief. I wonder if there is someway to further have your message heard. I do recommend you write this down for your dad if you have not already, and leave for him with a picture of your beautiful self. I sincerely hope he will never need to read it, but I think it would be a wonderful gift for him if he does.

To exaussie and chixter...my sincere condolences, hugs and prayers.

[tammylayne]

I have no words, only love, compassion and the hope that all that suffer from the pain of loss are able to find a place where the peace embraces them and the healing begins. I struggle every day with the passing of my best friend last year, but this could not even begin to touch the loss of a child I am sure.

May the memories of your child forever wrap themselves around you and may they live on forever in the hearts, minds and souls that they touched. Your life was made better by having given them life, and the life that you gave them was precious, although not nearly long enough. The love we have for our children takes our breath away,,,there is no love that can compare. May that love give you the strength to live again...as they would want you to.

So many gentle hugs....so...so...many....