How did you react when you found out?

[Nik Colon]

I had my first colonoscopy on 12/10 which the doc and me thought was cancer, was then confirmed, had CT and PET scan, etc. Stage IVa/liver. At first I was like no big deal/numb, then a few weeks later it hit more, since have been not wanting to talk or sensitive or angry. I feel like I am grieving (lost the 2 closest people 4 and 2 yrs ago to accidental OD and suicide) I feel somewhat the same emotions, but not, if that makes sense. Its so new for me, I have my next apt on the 15th to discuss chemo and surgery.

Have you felt the same? How did you feel?

[cathy123]

The first month was the worst for me - first because I was shocked and not sleeping at all and thinking I am going to die. Then because the drs did not agree and I had to decide what treatment path to go down. It is somewhat easier now that I have begun treatment. Still really tough though.

[JDinNC]

I always had digestive problems and was told years ago I had IBS and hemorrhoids. So when I saw blood in my stool I figured it was my hemorrhoids. When I had my colonscopy and was told I had stage 4, I was numb!!!! First, I was angry at my old doctor for never giving me a colonscopy while in my 50's. Then I cried for days because I had no more control over my life. My doctor and surgeons took over from there and I basically just went through the motions. I've always have been a strong person but my DX really throw me for a loop. Today, I know what will eventually happen to me but I'm living one day at a time. There are so many stage 4er that have surpassed the normal stats and I'm challenging myself to do the same.
Give yourself some time...and things will settle down. And never give it hope.

[chrissyrice]

Oh my gosh it was so surreal for me too.

The worse part for me was that I didn't find this site until 2 months after my diagnosis.

Once I got here, to this site and the real support I needed, things got much better emotionally.

Better yet, I got to know what to ask my doctor and what to expect.

The folks here were so helpful and the wealth of information from around the world and the best treatment centers for colon cancer.

[KWT]

Dazed and confused... And F@&$ED

Now I just realize how temporary everything is.

I'm now just a slow motion replay of somebody I used to be.

[Carolinabluetec]

Actually not too badly. Ok, I got it. Where is the best surgeon that I can reasonably get?

[DarknessEmbraced]

I was dazed and confused. Everything felt surreal for quite a while. I wasn't prepared for the news at all.

[CM35]

My metastases were found (by ct, checking for kidney stones) before my primary, so I knew from day one I was screwed. At least that's what every doctor, at the time, was more or less telling me. I didn't take it well; I was very, very angry. It had never occurred to me that my life could possibly take this path. I am always amazed by those who handle something like this with grace; whatever they have, I am missing.

[KWT]

whatever they have, I am missing.

WEED

[chrissyrice]

Kenny,
Same here... just a slow moving "poop of a bitch" of what I used to be.

I still can remember sitting in my "big executive office" talking to my doctor on the phone and hearing the words "you have colon cancer" ... I then just calmly walked into my boss's office and said I will be quitting work soon ... I have cancer and it looks like I have a 40% of making it.

The boss really was stunned but he had a business to run and lots of other folks that depended on him... so we hired a new CFO and I trained her for a month to take over my position.

I had no benefits for short term or long term disability so the loss of income was a big concern for us. But, when you are dealing with the possible loss of your life, somehow it gets pushed aside. Lucky we had some health insurance before Obama care destroyed that.

Darn..... I am really feeling the PTSD today... this not about me and getting on the pity potty here..

[CM35]

whatever they have, I am missing.

WEED

Lol! And alcohol. Lots of alcohol. I can't do beer, but I always like a lil Mexican food when I go out for margaritas.

[midlifemom]

Like Carolinablue, when faced with a problem I put my problem solving hat on.So when told, I remember mostly making lists, what to do, etc. When I let my guard down and the emotions sneak past I fall apart (still). I'm not angry so much as stressed beyond belief that I may not be here to do my job, as wife and mother. Who will my son talk to about girl problems? Who will listen to my husband when someone ticks him off? I have this belief that I am important (irreplaceable?), so how will everything get done if I am not here? I want to do it all now.

[KWT]

whatever they have, I am missing.

WEED

Lol! And alcohol. Lots of alcohol. I can't do beer, but I always like a lil Mexican food when I go out for margaritas.

I usually stick to the margaritas active ingredient followed by a cold Tecate. I love Mexican food this is making me hungry.

Midlife, you are absolutely irreplaceable.

[midlifemom]

Thx Kenny.

[cmrl]

After my colonoscopy, my partner, who I donated a kidney to, was with me when the MD broke the news. I teared up as I heard what was said to me, but as soon as the MD left the room, I said to my partner, "See, I told you I would die first!"
Later on I had many sleepless nights, and raced ahead, just wanting this mass gone, asap. Unfortunately , I did not find this forum for another 9 months, and wish I had been aware of it sooner. That being said, I did the best I could.