The long goodbye

[Springhaze24]

Hi all, second-time poster, longtime lurker. I wrote my first post two years ago, just days after my husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 cc with mets to his liver and peritoneal carcinomatosis. At the time, it was mostly to vent, to share, to know I wasn't alone. The digital-age version of screaming into a canyon, I suppose. The first year was good. He recovered from surgery (subtotal colectomy with end ileostomy) and responded to chemo. He had a wonderful, long chemo break and that two-year prognosis seemed so totally beatable and then everything just...stopped...being...good. He's done everything right (Good nutrition? Check! Exercise? Check! Positive attitude? You betcha!), but the cancer just keeps pushing back a little harder. It's so heartbreaking to see someone you love in so much pain. He's 35 - too young to die. I'm 33 - too young to be widowed. But I guess there's no "right" time for that, is there? And so here I am, writing my second post while lying on a cot next to his bed in hospital. He was transitioned to palliative care today. The "end stages," we were told. Maybe a few weeks left together. I realize now that I don't even know why I'm writing this post. Just another scream into the canyon. A virtual shaking of my fist at how unfair and cruel life can be sometimes. You should know that this board has been a tremendous resource and support for me over the past two years. So, thank you. Hold onto your loved ones a little tighter tonight.

Springhaze

[NWgirl]

I'm so sad and angry to read this. This time when you shout down the canyon there are hundreds of people who hear you and can completely sympathize with what you are feeling.'

[Marian1961]

I'm sorry, for you both. There may not be a "right" time but I've come to believe there is a "fair" time and an "unfair" time. 35 is not fair. I hope you will have some moments of grace and peace together during these next weeks.

[Maia]

This time when you shout down the canyon there are hundreds of people who hear you and can completely sympathize with what you are feeling.'

Yes. Know that, Springhaze.
Even if at a distance, hope you feel yourself hugged.
Peace and strength vibes flying to you..
m.

[Bev G]

Yes. We hear you. Deep in our souls where so many of us seem to be connected. Please try to lean on us as you walk through this with your beloved husband.

Love to you,

Bev

[FatBob2012]

So very sorry that you are in this challenging situation. Please accept my hope that there will be a peace and purpose revealed at some time to you. Thank you for sharing and so glad that his is the safe place you came to scream into. You are heard by this special group of people who can fully appreciate the gravity of what you are going through.

[lauragb]

I'm glad you felt like you could come here to scream. Know you are surrounded by love and hugs from afar. It is not fair.

Laura

[Cathie]

Everyone has said what I want to say, but they said it better than I could. Scream all you want, we hear you. May God keep you and your family in His care.

Cathie

[Val*pal]

Screaming is sometimes the only thing we can do in the face of this horrible disease. Stay connected to us since we "get" your pain.

I love your title: The Long Goodbye. Sadly, for many of us, that is so true.

I'm so sorry you and your husband have to experience this at such a young age. Cancer + youth just makes it even more unfair.

((((HUGS))))

[kirac]

I hate reading your post. Hopefully you can find some comfort here. We're thinking of you and your husband.

My best.

[KWT]

I'm sorry you guys are having to face this. Especially at such young ages. Life definately not fair cruel is a better way to describe it. I'm still not ready to face the reality of this crap.

You should scream in the canyon every chance you get.
Take care.

[pfCml73183]

I am saddened to read this.
Sometimes when family members disappear from the radar I like to imagine everything is good. Then it kicks me hard, like in your case, when it isn't.
You are truly too young for this all to be happening.
I am not as young as you but, our stories are similar. I said to my husband just last night. "Can't they just fix you? When are they going to make you better? When is our time to celebrate?"
He has had some pretty good scans in the first year as well followed by not so good and getting worse.
I will meet you at the canyon, in spirit, whenever you would like. If screaming is what you need.
I would also like to say that you seem to be handling this well and are wise. To suggest people to hold on tighter to their loved ones is very wise thing for you to be thinking of at this time. At your age I was more selfish. I doubt I would be concerned for others.
I pray you are able to make some good memories together still.
Thank you, Celeste.

[elise]

I'm sending you a virtual hug. It's tight, warm and lasts too long.

I often say that my spouse has it harder than I do in this crappy battle. You are the person who makes it bearable for him. I have no doubt you'll cherish the time you have.

((((HUGS))))

Elise

[Lee]

You have come to the right place to vent, scream, or just cry. I hope you and your husband have some quality times in the days ahead. You both are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lee

[ziggymonster]

I am so sorry, you both are too young to have to deal with this crap....life isn't fair...cancer isn't fair.