Relationships and cancer

[Cherie]

Hey everyone,
I’d love to get some advice on what happens to relationships post treatment. My marriage could not get any rocker and I just want out. DON’T JUDGE! This is just how I feel and these are not my actions. I am seeing a counsellor and she said after cancer patients finish treatment their partners go through their own stuff. The partner has been using the lizard part of the brain (fight or flight) stuff for so long that the coming back down to earth seems hard. For me I just want to go out and do everything while I am NED while my husband wants me to do everything and just leave him alone. He is cranky all the time and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him. I understand he has been stressed out and does more than his fair share but I feel like now I have to make up for being sick and now its my turn to do everything in terms of housework and child raising and I just can’t my pain levels are still high and I’m plagued with fatigue. We are going to get family cancer counselling in a week or two. He is so miserable….has anyone had any similar experiences. Is this just us or is this quite common? I don't want to seem ungrateful but the stress of being around him is causing me chest pains the tension is so bad.

[Coppercent]

Sometimes I think I had it the easy way. I filed for divorce then a few months later found out about the cancer. I did not have to worry about someone else while going through treatment, I could concentrate on myself. Good luck with your counseling.

[Krael]

My wife who works in the medical field has mentioned a number of times how difficult health issues have been on marriages. Even in cases where it's not life threatening, but require a lot of both partners to be dedicated to health management of one or sometimes even both partners throughout their life.

I've personally done my own research because my son, who was born with some health issues of his own that required early surgery and lifetime follow-ups. That research lead to a number of papers on how families cope with the health issues, both in management of life and therefore after the loss of a life. Studies I read showed an increase rate of divorce after a loss of a child. I believe it was not due to falling out of love from one another, but more of the reminder of their loss.

So yeah, I be willing to bet it's rather common and seeking counselling is a great step in the right direction. My wife does that even today and it helps provide her an outlet to vent about me since the day we married! I don't even care that she does and we've managed to survive a relationship together for 8 years because we are pretty open with one another about our issues, especially issues that could split us apart. When it comes to our son, we are both in this together. Once a year we take him to get a scan and it's the worst day of our lives waiting for the results. I don't think we could do that alone and I feel it actually brings us all together as a family in that very moment.

[skypup]

No judging here, Cherie. I see over and over how wives of patients often dig in and support (sometimes too much), yet too often husbands don't want to even talk about the patient's cancer troubles. That certainly isn't always the case, hopefully not even usually, but it happens often enough on this forum that I don't wonder at your feeling the way you do. Frankly, when you wrote that he wanted to uproot you and move to Arkansas, I thought it was mighty self-centered. You need to manage your stress if you are to stay healthy, and you sure don't need to be wondering if your medical needs will be met. I hope you can work it out if it is good for you and, if not, you have total support from way over here!
Wishing I could be of real help, sister...

[KWT]

I don't know how any relationship can make it through this crap unscathed. I hope things work out for your family.

[NWgirl]

Cancer wreaks havoc on the strongest of relationships. No judgement here, just sympathy.

I think counseling will definitely help. It will validate your feelings and help you sort them out. Not all marriages survive cancer. And who knows whether those marriages would have ended at some point even if cancer hadn't come along.

Although I'm no longer NED and haven't been for awhile, I remember when I was and feeling like I wanted to make up for lost time yet feeling like my husband was stuck in a rut and didn't want to do much of anything.

I hope the counselor can help you; whatever the final outcome may be.

[meatie]

@Cherie

Is the discord job-related?

[bitchslapped]

What I like about you, Cherie, is you just throw it out there, no holds barred. And that's the way to do it which brings on some healthy, open discussion here. Please don't feel that through differing opinions/approaches to life's issues & burdens that you are being judged. Though it may seem or feel that way, others can present a different manner in which to view/approach any given circumstance; often times based on place/experience in life... if we are open to them.

Marriage can be tough on a good day. No one can accuse you of not pursuing all avenues & taking the initiative to improve your situation for the benefit of your family life & preservation of your marriage.

Not all marriages survive cancer. And who knows whether those marriages would have ended at some point even if cancer hadn't come along.

I wholeheartedly agree.

Serious health issues can add a whole new dimension to the word stress because we can't table everything else in our daily lives to deal with it. It's usually not any one thing; rather all of it that stirs the pot & piled on top of everything else. You & DH as individuals have two separate huge obstacles: 1) your cancer 2) his job
The positive here is that I see two individuals who value their commitment & are willing to seek out help & make adjustments to improve the relationship. That's big & more than a lot of of people are willing to do.

In my experience the patient can get snarly because they are sick + sick & tired of being sick. The caregiver, who is usually taking up the slack because they have to & can't fix it, is snarly because though they understand it, they're reserves are also running low. A double-edged sword to be sure. It has nothing to do with love.

Then again...not everyone is marriage material either & that takes careful evaluation & self reflection on whether it is us or them or just not a good pairing.

Best Wishes
Bitchslapped