O/T It's interesting how cancer affects family dynamics

[canadiandaughter]

My extended family has been shook up by this demon we call cancer. I have a brother who never had the time of day for my parents for YEARS and now suddenly he is going to chemo every other week with my dad. That is good for their relationship but deep down it pisses me off. Where was he all these years? Why did it take cancer to bring him to visit his parents who live a short hour and a half away? He has not spent Christmas with my folks for at least 10 years and now suddenly this year he wants to be with them. It made us all grumpy enough that he was posting on facebook every time he was at their house, like look at me, Im such a hero here helping my dad!! The rest of us have not looked for any awards, we were there because we love them and do not need to put that crap on facebook. My sister has been great at helping with my folks. What made me angry is that she had them last year for Christmas and now has told me that we just don't know what will happen so she is going to spend Christmas with them also. My folks don't have a very big place, so that leaves me and my other brother out. My brother doesn't really have anyone and will be going away for work for the rest of the winter and I feel he should be able to spend this holiday with my folks. He has been busy working so has not spent a lot of time with them and really does not do well with hospitals and such. He told me all summer, call and I will come help if you need me, and I know he would have but we were fine. He has popped in to see them for supper and short visits as his work has him on the road a lot and passing threw their town. Then there is me. I won't be spending it with them either. I can figure out another time to see them over the holidays, but am just a little hurt at how things have turned out. My mom thinks she was with us 2 years ago, but she wasn't. I have not spent Christmas with them for at least 3 years. Why do families get so selfish? It sure would be nice to split the 3 days up somehow, but that doesnt seem to be how it is going to work. How do the rest of you handle family crap? I had hoped to maybe spend New Years with them but they want to go spend it with my moms siblings, which is good being her brother is also fighting cancer and time with them is important to. I guess I am just feeling rather blue today and needed to vent. Childish rant is over!! I'm sure lots of you have similar stories. How do you deal with it?

[justin case]

Is Christmas that much different from any other day in one's life. Life is a day to day affair for all of us. Some can tolerate the people around them, some cherish them, and some are just annoyed by them. Given the person , I have tendencies between all the aforementioned. Sometimes the holidays become too focused on those around us, and less focused on the real meaning of original intent. My wife and I do nothing for each other on holidays, except birthdays and anniversaries.
With that in mind, we can enjoy the meaning of the holiday itself. During the year, if something comes up we want or need, we find a way to make it happen. I can play Santa as Grandad, but it is up to my children to teach their children, Santa, is just Grandad in a costume. Focus on your meaning of the holidays, and let the cards fall where they may.
I hope you have a wonderful holiday season,
Michael

[canadiandaughter]

Christmas is a big thing to us. It is about family and quality time together. We decorate the house so it literally looks like Christmas puked everywhere. It is the one holiday of the year that we celebrate as we don't do big things for birthdays and anniversaries unless they are big ones. I know that my problems are small in the scheme of things. I was just feeling really blue about it and needed to vent. Thanks for listening. Actually, had a good chat with my daughter and we decided it has been at least 4 years since we had the folks here, but being he is kicking cancers ass right now and unless things got to hell fast, which I know it can, we will tell them that we get to have them out next year. It's been a really crappy year for my family in more ways then just cancer, so this Christmas we need to cherish each other more then ever!

[exaussie]

Cherish the time, let go of the hurts. People will react in the only way they know how. Some want attention, some just do whats, needed on the sidelines. Try to show there's no hurts to your parents it will only upset them. Easier said than done of course. What I would give to have my loved one with us this holiday season.

[justin case]

Christmas is a big thing to us. It is about family and quality time together. We decorate the house so it literally looks like Christmas puked everywhere. It is the one holiday of the year that we celebrate as we don't do big things for birthdays and anniversaries unless they are big ones. It's been a really crappy year for my family in more ways then just cancer, so this Christmas we need to cherish each other more then ever!

I think you nailed your answer
Warm regards,
Michael

[canadiandaughter]

Thank you. I know exaussie, I'm not bringing my mom into this, thus why I needed to vent here. I know this Christmas will be extremely hard for your family, I pray somehow you find the strength to get through it. We have a tradition at my house. Every year we buy an ornament that is significant to something good or bad that happened in our year. My kids look forward to decorating the tree every year. We have so many memories and so many tears as we go year by year and talk about happy memories and loved ones gone. We bought my daughter a santa 10 years ago as we lost my husbands brother to brain cancer that year and after his funeral we were reading cards and one friend had written "always remember your special santa claus". We had to go get our daughter and tell her a story about when she was 11 and thinking santa wasnt real, her uncle dressed up and came to visit her in the night. He woke her up and had a chat, gave her a candy cane. In the morning she was so excited. She never knew until that night that it was him. It sure helps us feel like we are including or loved ones in our Christmas celebration even though they have passed away. Damn cancer took 2 out of 3 of them.

[bitchslapped]

You're right, this is the place to vent so long as you are willing to accept the variations in input!

Though you understand that it is good for your brother to finally step up to the plate & help your parents, he also is beating his chest like an ape about it. I can see where that wouldn't set well. It's possible your brother has finally been slapped w/a dose of reality. You will find out, but in the long run he may come in very handy. It's ok to get irritated. We all do. It's how we act on it that makes the difference.

Moms love having all their kids together. If some of the out of towners would be willing to ante up for a cheap motel near your parents so everyone could be together would be one way. Wouldn't it be nice for the one's that got first dibs to stay @ the parent's house for free all chipped in to help offset some of the cost for those that didn't?! As we grow older w/families of our own, + varying schedules it does get more difficult for everyone to get together @ the same time/place. Another thing too is that the older your parents get, the less likely they may want to travel very far which may force you to let go of some of that. Life is not stagnant so the more flexible we can be to reinvent traditions is a plus, which sounds like you are willing to do.

Your parents are fortunate that it means so much for you to be with them. Were it me, I wonder if I would consider moving the focus to their BD or anniversary. Afterall, birthdays are unique to a person's own day, anniversary is their day, Christmas is for everybody. As one who used to "deck the place out" we do it to create a special atmosphere for ourselves, our family & maybe to show off a bit. It is a lot of work & in some ways can be somewhat self serving if we really evaluate honestly. Though I always had family @ my place, sometimes it would be a few days early if I chose to leave town & spend the holiday elsewhere. As I have grown older I have to agree w/justin case; Christmas is for kids (not to be confused w/the meaning of Christmas) & would love to see grandad in the santa suit!

I hope you can figure something out so your traveling bro has someplace to go.

Good luck
BS

[rp1954]

Might be worth a special effort and expense to bring everyone together on a cooperative basis for Xmas dinner, for a day, or several days even if most had to rent a la AirBnB or stay at a hotel motel and drive in an hour. We did some thing similar recently. Since it is only possible to have all of us together for 2-3 days without some stressing out or work interfering, some went on vacation out of town during some weekdays.

It could be a Christmas dinner to remember. Have a happy New Year and holidays.

[mstults]

I agree with exaussie. Let go if you can. My mother was in a similar predicament. Her mother and 3 siblings all lived within a mile of one another. She had one brother that even though he lived within sight of my grandmother he didn't see the need to go to see her, take her to Dr or see that she had something to eat. She lived alone and my other uncle and aunt along with my mother cared for her until she had to be put in a nursing home and died in 3-4 years. The one uncle was jealous of some of the grandchildren and my grandmother. When we were younger we were very close but drifted apart as my grandmother aged. We had very little contact of 20 years after my grandmothers death until my uncle was diagnosed with aggressive lung cancer. We started visiting and my mother became close to him again before he died. She also reestablished a relationship with his wife that has been very beneficial to us all. My mothers sister, her last remaining, sibling died 3 years ago and now it's even more therapeutic for my mother to have her sister in law. The problems of the past have been left there and we are all much better. We have so much cancer in our family that its a catalyst to urge us to be there for each other. My sister in laws daughter (my cousin) was diagnosed with colon cancer 2 months before me. Six months later she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Three months ago my cousins husband was diagnosed with lung cancer. I have another cousin that's been on chemo for almost 10 years with metastatic breast cancer. Cherish every day and live like its your last.