Stage 4 CA-What family preparations must be done

[ilivebyfaith]

All of us here, after knowing the terrible diagnosis of MCRC Stage 4, we were (and in my case, still am) shocked, petrified and most of all unprepared. Back then, my perception of cancer, moreso stage 4, is something that happens to other people but definitely, will not happen to me or my family (and so I thought).

I remember very vividly, when I rushed my husband in the ER thinking that the very worst could be appendicitis, hearing the ct-scan results from the ER doctor, he muttered words like "mass", "tumor", "might be malignant", "biopsy", my world stopped, I was not able to breathe, I do not know how to tell my husband that time, that what he have is worst than our worst fears, it was actually---the unforseen, cancer.

That time, I have to worry and be decisive about my husband's treatment plan, my husband being the eldest among siblings, and his parents are already in their senior years, I have to be the decision maker. So in a nut shell, I should always update his relatives, manage our household (as we have a 2 and a 7 year old), manage my (small) business and manage his (small) businesses.

I started hearing from his attending doctor these awful words, "there's no cure", "the treatment is more of improving the quality of life" , "life expectancy cannot be determined (not even a 5 year guarantee), it struck me that I have to do the planning for my husband and our children.

In my case, these are the preparations that we did:

1. Physically - stress management, healthy lifestyle, change in diet (no junk food, no processed food)
2. Emotionally - formed a support group (group of friends, just a few), joined colon club
3. Financially - I was added as a signatory in all the corporate bank accounts, slowly learning about his business (little by little), getting more involved with finances in terms of business loans and current cash standing, understanding our assets and liabilities
4. Spiritually- Depending on God in everything, surrendering our lives in His sovereign power

I still don't know what to do with the stocks under his name, properties under his name, insurance and bonds. Does my husband have to create his last will and testament? And now that I am also paranoid, do I also need to have my last will, for the sake of our young children? These are hard questions (might be deemed as negative), but after what happened to my husband, it definitely shook me to my very core, and the VERY WORST that can happen is to be UNPREPARED.

So I created this thread, not to be negative, but to create a channel where we can advice one another how to prepare our family for our family's sake as it is always wise to HOPE for the BEST but PREPARE for the WORST. So feel free to join in, your advices will be greatly appreciated, personal experiences might be of great help to others. Afterall, no one is ever prepared for CANCER, ergo everyone should make a conscious effort right now for the benefit of each ones family.

God bless us all and healing prayers for both the cancer fighters and the carers.

[lhawk0730]

Thank you for bringing up a very practical thread. I go with mom tomorrow to meet with an attorney for that exact purpose. We have a different situation than you, given she is single and planning things out for my siblings and me. Her concerns are centered around finalizing her affairs to prevent conflict between her children. I couldn't care less about the material things she may leave behind, but I know they need to be dealt with. I plan on asking the attorney what most parents in her position do. I will post tomorrow.

[Elvie]

Dear livebyfaith…I am so sorry about your husband's diagnosis.

Everyone should have a will. Upon my mom's diagnosis and at her radiologist's urging, my brother and I along with our mom updated her will and I'm glad we did. Her original will was too broad and didn't cover end of life issues and other changes that needed to be made since the original will was ten years old. I had been living with my mom for the past 19 years, after my dad's death and upon my divorce. No one wants to feel they are being pessimistic, but preparing a will is necessary. The fact is we all die someday and having a will helps the loved-ones we leave behind navigate through the red tape that exists in this world after we depart.

By the way, since my mom was 82 at diagnosis, the treatments were not aggressive as would be for someone your husband's age. We had hoped that the treatments she received would have bought her time, but in the end they didn't. She did get relief from bleeding, though,through the radiation. It is a small thing, but it did make a difference in her quality of life in the last months.

I wanted to be optimistic for her sake, so I didn't bring up things about her life insurance, etc.,. It was hard to have to tell her that we needed to see a lawyer to update her will. In the end, I was also in a sort of denial in some aspects, especially since her doctors for weeks before her admittance into hospice were blaming her fatigue and lack of appetite on the after effects of radiation. They kept saying everyone's cancer is different (and it is ) and used that as the reason they wouldn't give my brother and me a prediction on how much time she had left.

My mom was a very organized lady and she had all of her paperwork in order. After my father's death, she had updated her beneficiaries on her the life insurance policies and 401K and retirement plans. The only thing we are now in the process of dealing with her is her stock. She had to do the same thing, because the stock had originally only been in my dad's name…do paperwork for transfer of stock ownership with a medallion seal from the bank. I just mailed out the paperwork yesterday. About 18 months ago, she was telling me she wanted to sell that stock, but she didn't get around to it and when she was diagnosed, I realized why she wasn't herself for the past year or more. Stage IV cancer. I hate cancer, just like everyone on this board does.

You may feel that you are being paranoid, but no, you are planning for your family, and you are so correct that the very worst is to be unprepared.

God bless you all and may God continue to give you strength and wisdom for your husband and children and yourself.

[kirac]

I think any parent with young children should have a will. Depending on your assets and state, you may want to have a living trust. You will also want a power of attorney for healthcare and assets and perhaps and advance directive.

That being said we started but have not finished our wills. Sigh. Hopefully in the next 6 months.

Also, if you don't already have it, get life insurance for yourself. That way, your children are always protected.

I don't think this is depressing. It does bring about some hard discussions but it's better to be prepared. Best of luck.

P.S. As an attorney friend told me, the best planning is done every few years (or at least 10 years). Where you are now versus 10 years may be a different story.

[Kathleen808]

Anyone with children or dependents should have a will and health directive. Both will make a very difficult situation a bit easier. Having things in order will take some stress off you if your husband does not survive. We have had a will and our health directives for 20 years but we did update things for the second time about 1.5 years ago. In addition to the will and health directive, make sure your name is on all your husband's bank accounts if possible. If you use different accounts, make sure you have access to a good amount of money so you can continue to pay bills if your husband can no longer do so. Also if you have automatic withdraw for your bills make sure you have access to those accounts, you don't want them closing his accounts and bills not getting paid. Also, if you can take out any extra life insurance, even though he is sick, do so. I know my work offered a very small amount of life insurance with no physical and asked no health questions. To get more insurance you had to answer health questions. Every bit of money helps when you are trying to figure things out.
Since your children are still young your husband may want to write them some letters. They can just be letters about them and fun things they have done together. They do not need to be good bye letters. I asked Dick during the summer if he would like to write the girls and he just could not bring himself to do it. He couldn't bear the thought of not being here for them. After Dick passed away, our oldest daughter asked if Dad had left any letters. I told her he could not bear the thought of not being here for them. Then, 2 months after he passed away I found the letters that he had written for her from birth to age 16. I had forgotten that he had written her birthday letters. I was able to present our daughter with 22 pages of letters from her dad and they are her most treasured possession. So, if at all possible it would be great if he could reflect on your kids and put it in writing.
Also, we talked about funeral services and what he wanted. We got quite specific. We had this discussion about 2 years before he passed away and he was still healthy at the time. I feel we honored him by doing things the way he wanted.
Most of all spend time together. Lots of time. Be together, do things you love, be with people you love.
Hope this helps.

Aloha,
Kathleen

[ilivebyfaith]

Thank you for your feedbacks.

I know the need for a last will and testament although I still don't know how to present this issue to my husband. We still do not have a will. How can I tell it to him without sounding negative? I just want to prevent saying the wrong things and eventually stress him.

Please help.

Wife and mother of young kids, 2 and 7 yrs old

[alphagam]

My husband was on a flight crew in the air Force when our children were young. The reality was that he was in a dangerous job. We had wills. Our children are grown now and because anyone of them, or their spouse could get hit on their way to work, they have wills. It's not a negative, but a reality of life. Don't wait!