It came to me this afternoon....I hate

[Regan]

I'm not a victim.
I am a caregiver to DH of 39 plus years.
I cling to this board. I run away from this board.
I laugh at posts
I cry at posts
I sob with losses
I try to make sense of the purpose of going thru hell of getting a few more months--for the kids? For the spouses? For the SO's?....etc

I asked for help...I got it ...don't know how hubby could stand it if it weren't for people here, especially TammyLayne for the one issue.

I hate this board
I want Jeanette to answer Kenny's post "you're gonna love me now"--it would have been epic.
I want Marco to help get Katie thru her next treatment....not be unable to reach her.
I want Gwen to post pictures of the princess
I want Ashlee's thread to have her still writing in it with becmac
I want tom's recipes and food pics
I want tuscondad's daughter to miraculously be ok
I want skypuppy, Bev, Pog, NWgirl, Pollo, ski fletch, KennyT-twisted, singing holly, voxx, and all you other great people to have never had a reason to meet/suffer.

I had a clear thought this afternoon--while "living life like we were just like everybody around us that never thinks of suffering/death that will most probably come--this year, next or 4, 5......."

Even in NED status....it's there...
Tied to tracks....waiting/wondering if/when the suffer train is going to start its engines again and drag him thru pain, sickness, fatigue, sores, cramps, surgeries and then most probably finish him ...trying to grab "life" in between.

Hate the knowing-- non-touched people just live, just worry about trivial things that eventually mean nothing, like we used to do.

Hate the not knowing-- want to know the continuing sagas of the posters here and how they fight, learn and support.
Hate hate hate hate hate--I have to calm the hate...it will swallow me. Then who would hold his hand

Hate waiting for the train.

[Danieljt]

I fell so strongly about the words you posted. But if hubby n I don't try my family will be devastated. We really want to this Our Way and it might just come to that sooner than later. Please hang in there Kenny! We will all no when enough is enough! I'm not really religious but my friend says god doesn't punish. But how does he explain my hubby and I both being diagnosed within weeks?

[canadiandaughter]

I havent been here long but I get the hate this board but yet come running. Im scared every time I log in that we will see bad news, but I am constantly seeking answers and what good news I can find. I think we all just really HATE cancer!!!

[skypup]

Regan, that was so beautiful, powerful, strong... I don't have words except thank you!

To badly paraphrase Brownbagger: imagine if there were a wonderful community of people who never met and let's call it the internet... oh, yea, this is it!

[singingholly]

Darling Regan, try to leave your hate in your magical strong words, they can tie it down when you need it. And try not to think about tomorrow at all, tomorrow is just an illusion, for everybody, healty or sick... we only have present time to live, with its sorrow and joy. Each moment is a precious opportunity that will never come back again, for nobody... If right now, today, you have a reason for smiling, or laughing, or enjoying something, or filling your heart with love, this one you are living is a beautiful life.
Olivia

[singingholly]

PS
Don't waste your time in waiting a train that may never arrive, or at least nobody knows when... Don't waste your precious time and energy. Just chose not to do it. Don't sit at that symbolic station, just have a walk in the beautiful town around instead, there is a lot to do: a lot of work and a lot of fun. Never sit and wait.

[pollo65]

Regan,
That was so beautiful so profound and each of us can relate to some or all of your words. I do at times hate coming here, I have had so many friends taken away but I also have learned to laugh about our/my plight here. And I have learned to love even knowing that that love may be very short lived.
Thank you for this honest and profound post.
Pollo 65

[Bev G]

Regan,

What a breath-taking and a beautiful post. I feel more and more often that I just have nothing left to say. Rung dry by all the grief. I won't ever stop coming here, I suppose, but over the years the sorrow becomes a greater and greater weight. Thank you for what you wrote. You have a beautiful, compassionate and understanding heart.

Love,

Bev

[Regan]

Regan,
That was so beautiful so profound and each of us can relate to some or all of your words. I do at times hate coming here, I have had so many friends taken away but I also have learned to laugh about our/my plight here. And I have learned to love even knowing that that love may be very short lived.
Thank you for this honest and profound post.
Pollo 65

Sweet Pollo, you are/have been a light for many of us here. I am sick for your latest posts/news. Regan (Theresa)

[wandalein]

Regan I really hear what you are saying. I remember when we were naive like all those people around us before we were blindsided. I really miss those days. I don't know what today brings, we get the results of my husband's CT scan from last Friday. I keep thinking that since we have not heard from the surgeon it must be good. Ironic that you ended it about the train. I was just telling my husband last evening - And Thanks to the Calgary Flames, a much needed distraction from today - For the past 3 years I have been having dreams of being at a train station, standing on the platform and waiting. Not a familiar train station more like one I have never seen before. I should consult the Oracle on that one.

[Regan]

PS
Don't waste your time in waiting a train that may never arrive, or at least nobody knows when... Don't waste your precious time and energy. Just chose not to do it. Don't sit at that symbolic station, just have a walk in the beautiful town around instead, there is a lot to do: a lot of work and a lot of fun. Never sit and wait.

H
I so miss the wonderful people we have lost that responded to my thread.

My sweet sweet Holly, I tried to take your advice. DH still in the battle and we have had months that were not projected to be.

But today, our beloved oncologist said "yes" immediately when I asked if it is time to consider hospice. The suffer train has been speeding up for months...

And sweet Gwen.....I so remember when she just wanted to be here long enough to see her princess......we have found ourselves in the same situation. Our first grand baby due in November....DH will be (would be?) the most perfect papaw.

Skypuppy...still can't believe you are gone...pollo, raym, pog, voxx, NWGirl... On and onI thank you all for helping me thru this, I'm so grateful when I see Bev and Tammy post....

Wishing suffer train stops for all.

[Annemiek]

I hate that you have to bring up this topic again. I hate that you had to ask and the onc said yes.
But I love that in this difficult time you still find the time to think about all those people that have come and gone here and give others hope it will just take a little more time, to see a grandchild or an aniversary.

Wishing you bucketloads of strength for you and your family the coming time.

Annemiek

[Regan]

The suffer train finally won on the 10th.
He gave it all he had.
I was fortunate enough to be in bed with him and hold him while he quietly took his last breath.
Most of you don't know me but I follow you...thinking of all of you

[Lee]

The suffer train finally won on the 10th.
He gave it all he had.
I was fortunate enough to be in bed with him and hold him while he quietly took his last breath.
Most of you don't know me but I follow you...thinking of all of you

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray in the days ahead you find love and peace in the love you had for each other.

Lee

[midlifemom]

Regan, sorry to hear of your loss.

I'm not good with words, but somehow i don't believe the "suffer train won".
You assuredly have so many wonderful memories - how could that be a loss?