I'm not a victim.
I am a caregiver to DH of 39 plus years.
I cling to this board. I run away from this board.
I laugh at posts
I cry at posts
I sob with losses
I try to make sense of the purpose of going thru hell of getting a few more months--for the kids? For the spouses? For the SO's?....etc
I asked for help...I got it ...don't know how hubby could stand it if it weren't for people here, especially TammyLayne for the one issue.
I hate this board
I want Jeanette to answer Kenny's post "you're gonna love me now"--it would have been epic.
I want Marco to help get Katie thru her next treatment....not be unable to reach her.
I want Gwen to post pictures of the princess
I want Ashlee's thread to have her still writing in it with becmac
I want tom's recipes and food pics
I want tuscondad's daughter to miraculously be ok
I want skypuppy, Bev, Pog, NWgirl, Pollo, ski fletch, KennyT-twisted, singing holly, voxx, and all you other great people to have never had a reason to meet/suffer.
I had a clear thought this afternoon--while "living life like we were just like everybody around us that never thinks of suffering/death that will most probably come--this year, next or 4, 5......."
Even in NED status....it's there...
Tied to tracks....waiting/wondering if/when the suffer train is going to start its engines again and drag him thru pain, sickness, fatigue, sores, cramps, surgeries and then most probably finish him ...trying to grab "life" in between.
Hate the knowing-- non-touched people just live, just worry about trivial things that eventually mean nothing, like we used to do.
Hate the not knowing-- want to know the continuing sagas of the posters here and how they fight, learn and support.
Hate hate hate hate hate--I have to calm the hate...it will swallow me. Then who would hold his hand
Hate waiting for the train.
DH dx 7/12
Stg IV RC liver mets
11/12 Hrt Attk by Folfox
1/13 Liver resct
4/14 Hrnia surg 4/14
1/15 local recur, liver, lung, aortocaval region of retroperitoneum, anterior wall of distal abdominal aorta
1/16 Lonsurf (fail--just zapped. Strength)
Aug 10, 2016 at rest