Survivors Guilt

[big mike]

I was diagnosed October 1 2013 my friend was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer March 2014 .i go into hospital Wednesday September 24 for my reversal and then on my way toward continuing my recovery. My friend now has hospice in his house as he nears his end he won't let anyone see him and shut me out in June just wouldn't let me over or respond to my calls or texts. I think he shut me out because my outlook is positive while his isn't .My oncologist said it's survivors guilt and it's normal but for me to feel bad for my friend but by know means feel guilty. I'm more pissed off at him for ignoring me but now as his end is close I feel bad, anyone have any similar stories.

God Bless
Stay Strong
Fight The Fight
Stay The Course
Mike

[bitchslapped]

Wish there was an easier way to delete a duplicate (oops)

[bitchslapped]

It is my understanding that pancreatic cancer is one of the most, if not the most painful of cancers. Your friend may be on high doses of pain killers, if that will even touch it. http://dying.about.com/od/thedyingprocess/a/process.htm
I have posted this link so you can better educate yourself on the process of dying. I have the booklet having been through this process twice with loved ones. It should help you understand that your friend may be partly in this world, partly out, either due to the meds, or the "process"' most likely both. His body is very busy right now to think too much of others, if at all. Most likely has nothing to do with you. Would be nice if his family would provide you with occasional updates, but they also are dealing with a lot as well.

As far as survivor's guilt, that is as vast as the ocean. Continue to send occasional texts to your friend or to his family : "Just thinking about you guys; sending prayers", or something to that effect. Expect no response, only lending support. In that vain, you might begin to accept nothing in return, because he just doesn't have it go give. It is his walk...a very personal walk. As a friend it would be difficult, I can see that; just remember the good times. Hope this helps.

bs

[mstults]

I have some friends that I feel should visit me and don't. I think they don't want to face sickness, especially cancer. I'm doing well and don't look sick except for the hair loss that is growing back. They probably think I look worse. I think most people handle sicknesses by ignoring them. I guess I did until I got sick. I make an extra effort now to go see sick people when I can and at least send them a message that I'm thinking about them if I can't go in person. Some people just don't want people seeing them if they look "bad". You have to honor their wishes but I'd encourage him or his family to let me see him.

[bitchslapped]

One of the times my DM was in the hospital she threw all of us kids out of the room. So we just stood outside of her room. But then moms can do that! She just felt like crap. It would bother me a lot if I was in Big Mike's situation, but whatryagonnado? You can be mad, feel sad, or try to understand it. Up to 3 months prior to leaving the physical world the hospice patient may begin to withdraw from everything; food, people (family & friends), surroundings. Maybe have a fruit/cheese/cracker basket delivered, or text that you're bringing one, going to just ring the doorbell & leave. If the friend can't/doesn't need it, the caregiver may really appreciate it, the friend may even appreciate the gesture. Caregivers get hungry too. Tough situation.
BTW @BigMike - Good Luck & speedy recovery to you on the 24th!

I have some friends that I feel should visit me and don't

Sorry to hear that. Would you feel comfortable inviting them over? Sometimes people just don't know what to do or what not to do, what to say or what not to say, so it's easier to do nothing. Boils down to social skills, I guess.

bs

[Delinda]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you Big Mike, and others experiencing the same thing. It happened to me many years ago when a very dear friend was passing from Aids. His caregiver decided that calls & visits were not allowed. I wrote a letter telling my friend how much I loved him and why. To this day I don't know if my friend ever knew, but I felt I had done my best & chose to believe that on some level, somehow, he knew I was holding him with love. Every journey is different and to be respected. Such a painful process at times. Hugs for you Big Mike. XXOXO, Delinda

[-Sophie-]

Sadly I have been there.

I was really tough being the survivor, knowing things were so positive for myself while two family members were battling and loosing. I was due for reversal surgery the day my brother in law passed away from sarcoma. Thankfully I was never shut out by him or the family. It was had to talk to each other as it was opposite in experiences.

Be open to your friend but don't push to hard. As time comes closer they will more likely come to you. It's nothing you have done but it can be to emotionally draining to deal with different outcomes.

[horizon]

When I was in the hospital I told my friends and family under no circumstances did I want visitors. I didn't want people seeing me that way.

[big mike]

Thank you for your responses I would have got back earlier but was sick in hospital since Saturday . They pumped me with IV fluids and anti nausea meds I now feel great and so ready for my reversal tomorrow Wednesday the 24 th can't wait.
Sadly though when I got home and plugged in my no battery phone I found out my friend passed on Sunday night.
All for the better man went from high 200 lb to under 90 wasting away just a horrible death so I think most everyone was relieved he suffers no more and from what I heard he went through a tremendous amount of pain towards the end.
Thanks again
God Bless
Stay Strong
Fight The Fight
Stay The Course
Mike

[SkiFletch]

Mike, look at it this way. Hopefully you will live long enough that survivors guilt will become a daily part of your life. That may sound twisted, but it's the truth. When you're around for a long enough time, you'll see MANY people in your life, and here on this forum come and go and wonder why you're still the one here and OK while they're not. I didn't have a similar experience to you with a close friend, but for a while, every time I saw someone passing here on the board, it was really tough. Why them? Why not me? Then of course once the guilt faded it was all the, will I be next thoughts. It's a wonderful emotional cycle

The only thing that worked for me was a little constant self-talk and brain training. Every time I had those guilty feelings I told myself, "Stop. Don't feel guilty. Feel thanks for being able to share the life you have and be blessed to work for my family and friends that are still here." Re focusing on my purpose in life immediately following those moments of guilt was the only way to prevent it from consuming me. It took a long time, at least a year, to re train my brain. But now if those guilty feelings ever pop up, it's like a Pavlov's Dog response in my brain. I immediately flip it to being thankful. And it's made my life much better.

[Frenchie's Wife]

Unfortunately, I too have had friends develop cancer and die while I have been on this journey. Since I have no symptoms or pain, I often forget about my cancer for days, sometimes weeks at the time. When a friend dies of this disease it just rushes all back and I wonder why I am still here and they are gone already. Especially the ones with kids at home. I have an aggressive cancer and my demise was expected to happen years ago. I cope with gilt by doing all I can for the surviving spouse and their family.

[skypup]

First things first, I hope your surgery went well!

I don't know how close you and your friend were pre-cancer, but I have told a couple of people that I won't be able to carry on a relationship any more due to the demands of my treatments and illness, that I have to shrink my world now to make it easier on myself. I guess I did okay explaining with honesty and forthrightness, because they both said they understood, were not surprised and wished me well. A shrinking world is part of the process. Perhaps this is what happened, they just didn't explain it to you very well.

As to survivor's guilt, I am SOOOOO happy when anyone beats this. It's like a victory for me, too, even though I won't have it for myself. Your (and SkiFletch's and others) victory is like I get to say F* YOU to cancer!