Dh not coping well

[Danieljt]

As dans wife I am beside myself on what to do about him. He finished his 3rd chemo Tuesday n I was diagnosed with stage4 DLBCNH on Thursday. I start chemo next Tuesday. He is so upset that he can't cope with day to day living.he has to stay strong for himself n for me. I need to concentrate on getting better so I can take care of us both. My question is do I want us to have our chemo on say day and both be down at the same time? Or do I want to alternate chemo sessions. I'm just sick about all this but I need to be strong for us both. Any ideas?

[skypup]

Oh, I am sorry for this news. Damn cancer. If it were me, I'd want to be able to share the good weeks together, so would go with chemo on the same weeks. But you will know what is right for you two, I think.

[bitchslapped]

Oh boy. Sounds like you are already scheduled for your chemo on his off week. This might be worth discussing w/the nurses for input or whether the clinic would recommend putting your TX off for a week. Reflect on your DH's reaction to his chemo & what it requires of you on his "on" weeks. It may help you determine what you think your capabilities might be as far as tending to him while you don't feel well. Also if there is any family or friend resources to help would come in to play. If there is no help & he mostly is resting, doesn't want to eat much, & either one of you feels up to driving, then with a little preplanning for those weeks (pitchers of water ready, soup in the fridge) it may work for both of you to have chemo the same weeks. On the other hand, if he has strong reactions to chemo, wants meals, extremely cranky etc., then staggering your weeks may work better. Caregiving takes a lot of patience & energy, let alone being a patient as well. I will be interested in what you decide.

Best wishes to you both.

[Kdeans]

I will be praying for you. So sorry!

[Redtexa5]

Darlin your situation is so bad I don't see that what week you two take chemo making any difference. You need help, do you have any adult children or family that can be there for you? If not I would hire someone, don't fret about the cost there is only one outcome in which you have to worry about that.

[bldblu_2]

I think I would do the crappy weeks together so that you have the good weeks together. Just my 2 cents.

[canadiandaughter]

Didn't your husband say he was doing great on his chemo? I know I was following his posts as my dad was at about the same spot. I would think if he is doing ok so far you would be best to go in together and have that week of rest for both of you at home, provided your chemo is similar as far a timing goes. I am so sorry that you are both having to deal with this, what a crappy blow! You sound like a very strong women and I am praying that once your dh has had some time to absorb everything that is going on he will be positive again. You will both need your strength to deal with all that you have on your plate right now. I guess to it depends on how close you are to your treatment center. One trip for blood work for both of you then another trip for chemo would save you doing trips every week. Best of luck to you and I hope you can come up with a plan that works for you! I hope you have some sort of support system other then yourselves that will be able to help you. I just can't imagine having to deal with all of this! Stay strong!

[PainInTheAss]

Oh boy. Sounds like you are already scheduled for your chemo on his off week. This might be worth discussing w/the nurses for input or whether the clinic would recommend putting your TX off for a week. Reflect on your DH's reaction to his chemo & what it requires of you on his "on" weeks. It may help you determine what you think your capabilities might be as far as tending to him while you don't feel well. Also if there is any family or friend resources to help would come in to play. If there is no help & he mostly is resting, doesn't want to eat much, & either one of you feels up to driving, then with a little preplanning for those weeks (pitchers of water ready, soup in the fridge) it may work for both of you to have chemo the same weeks. On the other hand, if he has strong reactions to chemo, wants meals, extremely cranky etc., then staggering your weeks may work better. Caregiving takes a lot of patience & energy, let alone being a patient as well. I will be interested in what you decide.

Best wishes to you both.

This sounds like good advice. I didn't need any caregiving help on chemo week and just prepped with drinks and grocery shopping (read mashed potatoes, only thing that didn't taste awful on chemo week) the day before my infusion. I mostly just wanted to be left alone. I would sleep for 24 hours the third day and then slowly started getting better. My 17yo just left me alone so I could sleep. I never threw up or had any major problems. I was just really tired and stayed tired on my off weeks after about the fourth infusion.

There's no easy way to get through this. It sucks no matter what. Hopefully, neither of you will need or expect a lot of caregiving from the other. I was never incapacitated other than my 24 hour sleep. I just felt like crap, but could still drive and run errands if I had to.

Oh, except for infusion day. No driving that day. Eyes so blurry driving was very scary. That may be enough of a reason to have infusions on different days even if the same week or arrange someone to drive you there and back if the same day.

[Delinda]

So unfair that this is happening to both of you! There are pros and cons to scheduling your chemo at the same/alternating weeks. But I believe it's key that you have some help. Don't be afraid to ask family & friends for hands on support during chemo, especially the first few rounds. I just finished my 5th and find it easier now than the first 3. Maybe because I know what to expect. Anyway, I'm so sorry this has happened to such a lovely couple. Come here if things get difficult. We are standing with you both. XXOXO, Delinda

[Bev G]

Hello, dear. Well, I suppose I know more than most how much this sucks. I was diagnosed with stage IV CRC is 12/9 and went through a couple of very rough years. In 1/12 my husband was diagnosed with with DLBCL. He went through several different chemos, and ultimately had what appears to have been a successful bone marrow transplant in 5/14. I think the usual first chemo for diffuse large B cell is R-CHOP, and he felt really well on that, and worked pretty much throughout six rounds of that, except on infusion day. Of course, everyone can react a little bit differently to chemo, butt I hope if that's what you get, it goes very well for you. If it does for you as it did for him, I think you'll be up to caring for him. However, absolutely utilize all the help offered to you. There is a group called "Cleaning for a Reason" that provides free housecleaning for people on chemo, and you might want to call them. There are calendars available on-line where you can post your needs for meal preparation and transportation and things like that...so when people say they would like to do something to help (and they will) you can refer them to your list and they can sign up.

There is a Lymphoma Support Group on-line although I have to say I found them NOTHING like the support available on this board. It was not infrequent that wouldn't get even one response to a question. I believe the address is Lymphoma.com if you want to check them out. I so desperately needed a group like US when my husband was diagnosed and I just could find one.

I am truly so sorry you are going through this. The type of lymphoma you have been diagnosed with is usually quite curable, and people actually feel BETTER after they've gotten a couple of rounds of chemo (I thought that was unbelievable, but it was true).

I wish you both very well.

Bev

[Danieljt]

Thank everyone for the encouraging words. My chemo is set for every third week and dans is every two weeks. Everybody saysI'm a strong person but this time I'm about to freak out. I want to be able to yell scream cry but don't want to upset dh and kids. I will have plenty of help with my three daughter in laws. We all live within 5 miles of each other. My next question is this. I had bioposy on Monday Thursday results Friday bone marrow test starting chemo this Tuesday. I want second opinion on my pathology report.can I do this while having chemo. Not much time to prepare.

[jens22]

No matter how you try to plan chemo...something always gets in the way. Let the schedule be as it may cause coordinating never works. Cancellations happen due to low counts. You 2 definetly need to start planning a vacation. Women are amazing...we really do a good job of taking care of our selves. You and your husband will work as a team....and screw the house and laundry!!