Chemo/Cancer Woes

[Phil in Az]

Today has got to have been one of the worst days i've had in a long time. I've never felt so close to losing my mind as i have today.

I'm ok now, i've worked through the pain n stuff, however i don't know how i'm going to get through the next 4.5 months of chemo if things keep going like this.

I know there are those out there who have much worse side effects than me, but i still need to vent. I am so tired of the diahrea. What i hate most is the HUGE contracting/pushing feeling right before i go, then just barley a little bit comes out. THat's happened like 10 times today. This wouldn't be so bad if i weren't already raw and bloody from wiping so much.

Before you mention it, i have every creme (including lidocaine) known to man, i have the sitz bath, i take 1-2 showers/day, and i'm on a codiene sulfate/questran regimen. Most of the time some combination of the aformentioned items works and i get great results. Today and yesterday weren't those types of days.

I think that it's the anxeity of what the next BM will bring that is literally driving me crazy. It's times like this where i just want to take a pile of pills and wake up when this is all over. My doc even offered to put the bag back on (temporarily) if i wanted to. I told him thanks but i'd sooner jump off a cliff.

All that and i'm pretty sure i'm losing my hair.


ok, rant over. thanks for listening.

-phil

[Eileen]

Phil,

Take one day at a time. I was never a person to do that until I was on chemo. Keep checking those completed treatment days off on your calendar and try to hang in there!

It is hard for me to believe that I am giving you this advice when it was not so long ago that I was going through some rough times while on chemo. I remember crying myself to sleep and I felt such a mess that I did not want anyone to see me for some time.

I had to keep telling myself, one more treatment done, X number to go.

Then one day six months had passed and I was done!

You can do it! It does get better! We are here for you.

[Phil in Az]

Thank you eileen. Yes, it's 3 down, 9 to go. Luckily i've have many more good days than bad, but 1 bad day seems to more than make up for the good ones it seems. But then again i think i'm just being dramatic.

I hate being in that constant state of "searching". Searching for that one thing that will come along and equalize this journey. Make the moountains into molehills, and valley's into plains. I don't think there is such a thing. Well except for maybe a good night's sleep. I do believe that goes a long way to providing some peace.

Right now i'm thinking about planning a solo camping trip to colorado for 3-5 days. I'm hoping that can provide some equalization for me and my family.

But truth be told, that equilaztion probably comes from 3-4 things, not just one. Finding them is the "fun" part.

[Eileen]

Hi Phil,

I know for me when the diagnosis of cancer really "sunk in" it seemed my life turned upside down. Dealing with the effects of chemo too left me crying many nights before falling asleep. My tears were not of self pity; they were from frustration. I finally asked my oncologist for a mild anti-depressant which he gave me to take at night for sleep. It did help me sleep at night and it helped me to handle the frustrations of each day much better.

I appreciate my times of solitude. Being alone allows me time to think about life, all that has changed for me, and that life is good.

I feel as if I have been forced onto the fast track to finding emotional maturity!

Even though times of solitude can be good, I learned it is also good to be around family and friends, especially when going through rough times.

[Ron50]

Hi Phil,
I can sympathise with your predicament,5fu and leucovorin nearly killed me . I was going to the loo over 20 times a day .I was seriously close to renal failure. They changed me to a vey old regime of 5fu and a drug called levamisole(a cattle drench for intestinal worms) It also strung my treatment out so that I had chemo every tuesday for the best part of a year. No implants either ,all via canula in the back of the hand. I looked every where for help and my gp came up with some tablets called donnatabs ,the same as buscopan. Apparently they are for IBS and they helped to alleviate the frequency of the loo trips and the painful cramping. I went back to work the second month of chemo and for the best part of a year felt like death warmed up. But I have been clear now for over eight and a half years (stared out stage 3 with 6 cancerous lymph nodes). See if you can get some donnatabs and hang in there ,all the best Ron.

[Sweet Peg]

Hi Phil
I can sure feel for you!!! After my second round of Chemo I started getting diahrea really bad!!! Cramping and the works. The doctors FINALLY sent me in for a stool sample!!!! Come to find out I had bacterial infection!!! This happens A LOT with Colon Cancer and the Chemo treatments they said. I know you have tried about everything but if they haven't had a stool sample tested I would sure advise it!!! I was on the antibiotics for less than 24 hours and it was cleared up!!!!! They gave me refills just in case it happened again so I could head it off at the pass!!!! Hang in there ok!!!!!

Peg

[Billy]

Phil,

Thanks for the rant. Truly, I mean that. I have to say that the biggest therapy I have had in the last two years (I was diagnosed with stage IV two years ago, at 35 years old) has been bitching and moaning out loud. I believe that if you keep it in, it will do as much damage as the cancer. The Colon Club is a great place to vent. The people here are supportive, caring, and most importantly, realistic. We know what is going on, we understand what is happening, and we are there with you. The Colon Club has given me so much support during my struggle, but more importantly it has allowed me a place to express my concerns, fears, and frustrations without the simple response of “oh, it will all be fine”. I hope it has helped you as well.

Billy

[judkoe]

Billy, you are right on! I don't post much but read this board at least every other day. It's amazing how often the questions I may have are already the topic of someone elses posts.