Today has got to have been one of the worst days i've had in a long time. I've never felt so close to losing my mind as i have today.
I'm ok now, i've worked through the pain n stuff, however i don't know how i'm going to get through the next 4.5 months of chemo if things keep going like this.
I know there are those out there who have much worse side effects than me, but i still need to vent. I am so tired of the diahrea. What i hate most is the HUGE contracting/pushing feeling right before i go, then just barley a little bit comes out. THat's happened like 10 times today. This wouldn't be so bad if i weren't already raw and bloody from wiping so much.
Before you mention it, i have every creme (including lidocaine) known to man, i have the sitz bath, i take 1-2 showers/day, and i'm on a codiene sulfate/questran regimen. Most of the time some combination of the aformentioned items works and i get great results. Today and yesterday weren't those types of days.
I think that it's the anxeity of what the next BM will bring that is literally driving me crazy. It's times like this where i just want to take a pile of pills and wake up when this is all over. My doc even offered to put the bag back on (temporarily) if i wanted to. I told him thanks but i'd sooner jump off a cliff.
All that and i'm pretty sure i'm losing my hair.
ok, rant over. thanks for listening.
-phil