DeAnn - so-scared - How Are You?

[hart2hart]

Dearest DeAnn -

I think of you and your dear family often and hope each day brings you some peace
with your dear beloved Scotty's passing. I really have to tell you how brave I think you are
and I only wish I had the chance to meet you in New York. If you ever feel down the road like
traveling to Connecticut (yes, Connecticut) Pete and I would love to meet you. And....we would
love for you to share in all the Scotty stories!! You have an open invitaion to visit us ANYTIME DeAnn!!

Love you Lots Girl.....Just wanted you know we were thinking aboutcha.



Julie H
stamford, CT

[jgall]

Hi Julie. I will let her know about this message. I haven't seen her here lately, but I have talked to her on phone and via Facebook, so hopefully she will check in soon.

[so-scared]

Julie,

Thank you so much for thinking of me! It means a lot! I told Julia that it is nice that people care enough to worry instead of just forgetting about you. I come to the board almost daily to check in on everyone. So many that I became close to are now gone and so many others are really struggling. It's so sad.

I am still upright and moving so I guess that's good. We are trying to keep up with our family traditions etc. I am in disbelief that Scott is just plain gone forever. It is something that I am really struggling to process. I had three years to prepare for this devastating loss and it is still just unbelievable that it did indeed happen. For such a vibrant man to be silenced is just crazy. I am going to join a support group soon just to be with people that truly get it. Some think it has been two months and I should be better. Whatever better is. Better? Reality is just starting to hit at this point. My kids kind of scare me. They seem to be handling this way better than me and have been so supportive. I have been warned that it will hit for them too at some point. My oldest seems to feel it more than the younger three. They are 23, 17, 15, and 13 years old. I told Julia that it is so sad that my boys lost their father so young. At the same time, I am glad that some of them are still home because I would go mad if my house was just empty. Some days are harder than others for whatever reason. My one son has been into acting since he was just little. He got the lead in the Children's Theater play Beauty and the Beast this summer. It really bothered me that he finally got a really big role and his dad wasn't here to see him. My oldest son got a great internship. Scott would have been so proud and happy for him. Anyway, the list of "I wish he was here to see xyz" goes on. Some say he is watching and that may very well be true but it is not the same, obviously. So, the bottom line is I am sad, cancer sucks big time, and I am trying to survive this.

I have seen some signs that Scott may indeed be floating around. That is comforting and frustrating at the same time. I don't hide my emotions from my kids as I think it would be horrible for their father to die and their mom never let them see how much it hurt to loose their dad and the love of her life. At times though, I hide in the bathroom and cry. One day I was in there. We have a scale that you have to push down hard on it to turn it on and have the numbers displayed. While I was crying in the bathroom the one day I looked down and the scale came on with nothing touching it. Who knows. It never happened before and never happened again. I said "hi" to Scott and told him that even though he was dead I was not revealing my weight to him. LOL The day before the fourth was a very bad day for me. Our second son was born on the fourth and I stopped to get him a card. This was our first birthday celebration in the family since Scott left. I was a wreck that day. I turned down the card aisle and there were these inspirational books in an angled case so all you could see was the binding and not the cover. All were in place except for one. One was out of the slanted spot and sitting square facing me. It jumped right out at me when I turned into the aisle. It is white and says God Will Carry You Through. I looked at it and said, "Okay, Scott. I get it. I'll buy it." There were 3 ladies in the card isle who looked at me and probably thought I was nuts but I didn't care. This is something that I can see Scott saying to me. I bought it. Another day I had something weird happen. Scott hated that I smoked. I hate it too but it's a challenge to quit under normal circumstances much less ours. I didn't smoke in his truck. The other day I was using his truck and I put my cigs in the recessed cup holder along with the cell phone. I heard this plastic clunk sound. The sound was the cell phone falling over in the cup holder as my cigs flew out of there and on to the passenger side floor. I can't explain that one. I talked to Scott and told him he was right but to please be patient with me. I also asked him to use that energy to touch me instead of throwing my shit around! lol There have been several other instances of weirdness for the kids and I. Anyway, all of this to say that maybe he is indeed around. I hope so but it's still not the same. I ended my talk at his funeral with ... feel free to haunt me anytime. Maybe he heard and is doing just that. I guess I will take what I can get.

I too wish that we would have had the chance to meet in NY. If I ever get to Connecticut I would love to meet you guys! I have never been there. Maybe it's time to do something different!

Thanks again for thinking of me and my family. It has been somewhat therapeutic writing this all out. I hope all is well with you and Pete!

Love,

DeAnn

[so-scared]

I know that there is a thread talking about death. I know there is something more after we die. I have seen dead people or ghosts if you will. Some may think that I am whacked but I saw and heard what I did and there is no disputing it. There is more, I just hope that Scott is enjoying it. I have had quite a few dreams of him and he seems so frustrated with the whole situation as am I. Anyway, there is something after we leave our body I just don't know for sure what it is. Shortly after Scott died I looked at his body and told my pastor that it is true ... it is merely a vessel for the soul.

[hart2hart]

Dearest DeAnn -

Scott is MOST definately watching over you and the boys. He is talking to you
in subtle ways --- I Just love the story about the Slanted Book. Wow! And those little ladies looking at you!
Brought tears and chuckles at the same time. One day at a time DeAnn.

Your son is he playing Gaston? LeFou? Just curious....? And how old is he? Funny story, My son, Cody, who is now 23
played Gaston as a High School Senior. They had a childrens matinee and authograph session after. Well ---- all the
little kids hated my son --- Only the adults wanted his autograph!! It was pretty funny! Cause he's a really nice kid! lol
One more thing about the show ---- Buy a ticket for every night. It's that Good!

DeAnn , please take care of yourself and please know you have an open invitaion to visit. It could be anytime -

Love.



Julie and Pete
Stamford, CT

[Laurettas]

Hi DeAnn, it is so good to hear from you and that you are hanging in there. I would like to encourage you to join a group of widows/widowers to help you through this time. You will go through so many ups and downs and unusual things in the next few months. It is so consoling to hear from others who have gone through it already so that you will know that what you are experiencing is normal when you lose a spouse and you are not losing your mind! I have only participated on line but it was enough to give me peace as I go through each part of this adjustment. I didn't find them until my husband had been gone a year and I so wish I would have looked sooner. It would have eased some of the stress I experienced had I known that I was not doing bizarre things!

[so-scared]

Lauretta,

May I ask what forum you found helpful? I know that I need this as nobody can really relate to me unless they have been through it themselves. I have yet to touch any of his stuff. I stashed the medical stuff out of site but everything else is still right where he left it.

Thanks

[so-scared]

Julie,

My son, Brett, was the Prince/Beast. He is 15 years old. One of my friends was sitting next to me during the first nights performance and she said it was like watching the movie. The theater group here does a fantastic job! They had a picture taking opportunity after the show for the kids and family etc. I told my other boys that their brother was the closest thing to a rockstar in our town that night! It was so cute to see all of the kids waiting in line to get their picture taken with him etc. I was so very proud of him! It is so funny about your son! Gaston was an arrogant jerk so I guess kids are a good judge of character! LOL

DeAnn

[Julie YW]

DeAnn, reading your posts here and accounts of Scott returning to you after his death greatly comforted me. One of my great fears in dying is how devastated my husband will be. I worry. That's what I do. Yet, knowing that I could come back to give him signs and speak to him makes me feel better. Thanks for sharing. I too believe in ghosts. One of my daughters sees them. She started seeing them right after I was diagnosed and she wasn't even 2 yet. It's a bit of a story. You can read it in this blog post if you want. But the point is, I definitely believe. There are lots of ghosts stories in my family. Comes with the Chinese-Vietnamese thing going on in my family.

http://julieyipwilliams.wordpress.com/2 ... he-flower/