Julie,
Thank you so much for thinking of me! It means a lot! I told Julia that it is nice that people care enough to worry instead of just forgetting about you. I come to the board almost daily to check in on everyone. So many that I became close to are now gone and so many others are really struggling. It's so sad.
I am still upright and moving so I guess that's good. We are trying to keep up with our family traditions etc. I am in disbelief that Scott is just plain gone forever. It is something that I am really struggling to process. I had three years to prepare for this devastating loss and it is still just unbelievable that it did indeed happen. For such a vibrant man to be silenced is just crazy. I am going to join a support group soon just to be with people that truly get it. Some think it has been two months and I should be better. Whatever better is. Better? Reality is just starting to hit at this point. My kids kind of scare me. They seem to be handling this way better than me and have been so supportive. I have been warned that it will hit for them too at some point. My oldest seems to feel it more than the younger three. They are 23, 17, 15, and 13 years old. I told Julia that it is so sad that my boys lost their father so young. At the same time, I am glad that some of them are still home because I would go mad if my house was just empty. Some days are harder than others for whatever reason. My one son has been into acting since he was just little. He got the lead in the Children's Theater play Beauty and the Beast this summer. It really bothered me that he finally got a really big role and his dad wasn't here to see him. My oldest son got a great internship. Scott would have been so proud and happy for him. Anyway, the list of "I wish he was here to see xyz" goes on. Some say he is watching and that may very well be true but it is not the same, obviously. So, the bottom line is I am sad, cancer sucks big time, and I am trying to survive this.
I have seen some signs that Scott may indeed be floating around. That is comforting and frustrating at the same time. I don't hide my emotions from my kids as I think it would be horrible for their father to die and their mom never let them see how much it hurt to loose their dad and the love of her life. At times though, I hide in the bathroom and cry. One day I was in there. We have a scale that you have to push down hard on it to turn it on and have the numbers displayed. While I was crying in the bathroom the one day I looked down and the scale came on with nothing touching it. Who knows. It never happened before and never happened again. I said "hi" to Scott and told him that even though he was dead I was not revealing my weight to him. LOL The day before the fourth was a very bad day for me. Our second son was born on the fourth and I stopped to get him a card. This was our first birthday celebration in the family since Scott left. I was a wreck that day. I turned down the card aisle and there were these inspirational books in an angled case so all you could see was the binding and not the cover. All were in place except for one. One was out of the slanted spot and sitting square facing me. It jumped right out at me when I turned into the aisle. It is white and says God Will Carry You Through. I looked at it and said, "Okay, Scott. I get it. I'll buy it." There were 3 ladies in the card isle who looked at me and probably thought I was nuts but I didn't care. This is something that I can see Scott saying to me. I bought it. Another day I had something weird happen. Scott hated that I smoked. I hate it too but it's a challenge to quit under normal circumstances much less ours. I didn't smoke in his truck. The other day I was using his truck and I put my cigs in the recessed cup holder along with the cell phone. I heard this plastic clunk sound. The sound was the cell phone falling over in the cup holder as my cigs flew out of there and on to the passenger side floor. I can't explain that one. I talked to Scott and told him he was right but to please be patient with me. I also asked him to use that energy to touch me instead of throwing my shit around! lol There have been several other instances of weirdness for the kids and I. Anyway, all of this to say that maybe he is indeed around. I hope so but it's still not the same. I ended my talk at his funeral with ... feel free to haunt me anytime. Maybe he heard and is doing just that. I guess I will take what I can get.
I too wish that we would have had the chance to meet in NY. If I ever get to Connecticut I would love to meet you guys! I have never been there. Maybe it's time to do something different!
Thanks again for thinking of me and my family. It has been somewhat therapeutic writing this all out. I hope all is well with you and Pete!
Love,
DeAnn