When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

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When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby mich » Tue Jun 24, 2014 3:16 pm

So It has come to my attention that my poor prognosis husband has been pursuing escorts for a few months (although he denies having met any) I have proof that he has been online chatting and trying to meet them.He seemed so utterly desperate to connect with them. I was already hanging on by a thread with the processing of his disease,and latest prognosis...but now this really has me all bent out of shape!!
I love him and don't plan to give him the boot,I also won't let him die desperate and alone in some hotel..... Geeze this is so damn hurtful !!
Now that I confronted him he says he is grateful he did not meet them. However I do still plan to get tested for STDs

I guess he saw it as a attempt to fulfill some kinky fantasies before he gets weak and dies.
Do I really have a say in how he wants to conduct his last time here on earth?
Yes we were slightly emotionally disconnected before this happened and since this happened we are way more connected but now I am left with insecurity .

All the emotional dynamics of his cancer on our family for the past 7 years is very likely to end up giving me some kind of cancer!!! I fell like there is a burning hole in my chest.
Any input here appreciated.
Dh DX 1/07 stg 4 age 48
colon & liver resect
1 yr chem
3yrs NED
6 mnts chem no oxy
6/12 node active
7/12 peri node excised
8/12 Rad & chemo
4/13 Lung met
lobe removed
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4/17/2014 Nodes
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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby beccab1 » Tue Jun 24, 2014 3:43 pm

That would be very hard to take and I'm sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else. I don't have any profound words of wisdom. Unfortunately, we fail as humans sometimes and really hurt those we love in the process. I have no idea what I would do in that situation.

Maybe getting some counseling together would help? The only thing I'm sure of is that I wouldn't want to hang on to the hurt and anger but like I said, I have no idea how I'd react. Sorry again...
My husband, Eric, dx @ age 35
Stage IIIb RC (T3N1M0), 3/10
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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby NWgirl » Tue Jun 24, 2014 6:59 pm

Going through a cancer diagnosis tests the strongest of marriages. That said, I've always said it's not okay to use cancer as an excuse for bad behaviour. It's his life and his choices, but I would have a hard time getting past this one. Counseling might help, even if it is to help you work through your feelings. You're in a tough spot. If there wasn't cancer in the picture, leaving him would be a much more viable option. Under the circumstances, I can see how you feel kind of stuck. Again, counseling may help YOU sort this out and decide what would be the best course of action to take. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby sadysue » Tue Jun 24, 2014 7:44 pm

Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom but if it were me, I would put him to the curb regardless of his disease IF I knew for certain he had cheated on me. I am saying this as one who has had a rectal and colon cancer diagnosis. I would totally expect my partner to dump me if I cheated on him. Why should you be dragged down while he tries to pull himself up....his way. Just would not work for me. Best of luck to you and I hope things work out for you both.
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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby Voxx66 » Tue Jun 24, 2014 7:58 pm

This is a hard situation. From my perspective - I think I am probably more sexually active now than ever before but I'm not married. I know I never would or could be faithful sexually so it wouldn't work for me unless it was an open marriage.

I think you should understand there really is a difference between sex and emotion. And I suspect he isn't trying to hurt you - he's just trying not to die leaving fantasies unfulfilled. Selfish? Probably. Hurtful? Yes unfortunately.

I can't tell you what to do. I can only recommend compassion and understanding. I am NOT saying let him do what he wants. He made a commitment and he doesn't get to say whether it should bother you or not if he breaks it. It obviously does bother you and that really isn't such a good way for him to leave you. Promises aren't just for the good times.

The sad thing is that fantasies are often better left as that. The reality rarely matches the expectation. What he will discover is that it's much like wanting to play sports on a pro-level. You can buy your way into a fantasy camp but if you aren't also a professional or highly skilled player, the experience isn't going to be what you expect. In his case I think the experience might leave him guilty, disappointed, and worse off than before. I have no idea if any of this is helpful but I am trying. It's such a difficult topic.
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liver mets both lobes 8/2013
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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby disco nap » Tue Jun 24, 2014 8:04 pm

This is a tough one! I am trying to think what I would do in your shoes.

I would start to prioritize myself: take care of me, my future, my health, my happiness so I ensured that i thrived going forward. I would still be a caregiver but I think my level of engagement would decline quite a bit and I'd start to detach.
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Right Hemi July 6 '10
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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby KWT » Tue Jun 24, 2014 8:04 pm

What would Lorena bobbitt do? :twisted: :twisted:

Seriously there's just no excuse for this. I can't imagine what's going through his mind.
Last edited by KWT on Tue Jun 24, 2014 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby Cb75 » Tue Jun 24, 2014 8:26 pm

My take is that it could be one of two things....either he's into something and thinks he needs an escort to fulfill his fantasy/fedish/curiosity....or he want's to feel like an attractive 'normal' person and is seeking attention. I can somewhat identify with the later (I have not gone online or outside my marriage). I was a vital, attractive and social person before I was diagnosed. Now I feel like I am slowly losing who I was. I can't identify with that person anymore. Sometimes I feel ugly. I miss being pretty and confident. Sometimes turning to someone else behind the screen is an easy way to recapture some kind of normalcy....
39y female Stage IV
diagnosed April 2012
sigmoid resect May 2012
liver resect Aug 2012
Folfox Oct 2012
lungs Sep 2013
R and L laser lung resection Nov 2013/Feb 2014
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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby suemarie » Wed Jun 25, 2014 1:47 am

Wow! I'm so sorry to hear this. I notice that you have been a caregiver for 7 years and I can well relate. I have been my husband's caregiver for 10 years. He has a host of serious medical-issues - you name it, he's had it - with seizures, arrhythmias etc - all in the mix. I have rushed him to the hospital over 23 times - I actually stopped counting at 23 and there has been at least 20 since I stopped counting - and sat in waiting room after waiting room holding my breath waiting for results. I have booked all his appts., made sure his life is as smooth as possible, endured his enormous mood swings and if after all that, I found out he was looking up escorts online and wanting to meet them, I can't even imagine what I would do. His medical issues are not just all about him - they affect everyone. I'm sorry he's coping with a poor prognosis but it doesn't just affect him and only him and it doesn't make it all right to betray you and hurt you so much.

I have enormous empathy for everyone going through serious health issues but I also understand the caretaker's anguish very much. I'm a very compassionate person but my first instinct would be to throw him out or move out myself. If I did choose to 'understand', I would probably pull back, detach and start looking at taking care of myself and my children and my life. A lot like what 'disco nap' said. Please don't lose yourself in all this. It's so easy to do while in a caretaking role but I know I've tried to take care of myself and keep up with my hobbies and friends during this past 10 years. It's hard because I'm afraid to even leave my husband alone for one minute, but I try hard to value myself and not get swallowed up. I also try to take care of my own health.

I wish you all the best and your husband is lucky to have you but my heart breaks for your heartache. Please, please take care of yourself, too.

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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby Jachut » Wed Jun 25, 2014 3:43 am

Well, i didnt think i was going to die for long, just the normal post diagnosis shock. I wanted all the comfort my hubby could provide, honestly if he would have tolerated me on his lap all day thats where i would have been. Never for an instant did some kinky bucket list enter my mind.

That is utterly unforgiveable in my mind but i could not abandon a dying person who had been so much a part of my life but like others said, the marriage itself would be over. I remember feeling such concern for my husband and assuring him that i knew this was happening to him also and that he didnt have to pretend it wasnt.

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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby lohidoc » Wed Jun 25, 2014 2:52 pm

One night stands, affairs, promiscuity, escorts, pornography even, it all comes from the same place: The basic human desire, need, not to be alone in this world.

Cancer and dying take you to some very lonely places, and even the most committed caregiver cannot go there with you. The thought of dying, of never holding another human in your arms with love again is a profoundly depressing one.

I think it is natural to look for some kind of connection, one last time, to see if you can still be part of a world that everyone else takes for granted.

In your shoes, I would be forgiving. Don't let him, and your relationship with him, be defined by this last and desperate act.

The obvious question is "why does he not turn to you?". I know nothing about you or your relationship with your husband. But in general, and speaking from my own experience after 15 or 20 years of marriage there is often little left in terms of intimacy. Sex is infrequent and unfulfilling. Marriage has degenerated into an economical unit and a childrearing partnership. If you are lucky you may find you can be friends. But too often all the little slights and misdemeanours that come with a long term relationship have built up over time to create an insurmountable wall. And that is why a man may turn to an escort, or someone like that, in certain situations. Fake, make believe, commercial it is all of that, but there is no baggage, no history, no consequences. Or so it might seem if you are not thinking clearly.

Please don't be too harsh on him.

An intelligent counsellor may be of help.
"Half of what I know is wrong. I don't know which half."

Age 56
Dx 19/7/11
R. hemicolectomy 25/7/11
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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby Cherie » Wed Jun 25, 2014 3:45 pm

Hi Mich,

If you have read my posts my husband has done some dick things to me and we all go through shit. But you should not have to put up with this YOU deserve respect and honesty. If he has some kinda dyeing fantasy to be with someone else then he needs to go get help to deal with the real issues going on. Mich this has got yo hurt so much my heart goes out to you.

36Yo F
2000 UC
2013 Stage 4 CC 15/126 LN spread to the omentum
June Collectomy all visible cancer removed
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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby Val*pal » Wed Jun 25, 2014 4:19 pm

Mich - my husband just passed from colon cancer. I was his caregiver for three years, and I know that lots of issues come up that can form a barrier between you and your loved one during the journey from diagnosis to treatment and, in some cases, death. Fortunately, I didn't have to face any huge issues, but something did happen about two weeks ago that hurt me. I don't want to share what it is since I feel it would be being disloyal to my dear husband, but I remember thinking, "Oh, great, you did X, left me out of the decision, but I am supposed to continue to care for you completely - even personal care." However, I realized his decision was his to make, and I decided I wanted to look back on this experience knowing I had done everything I could for him, so I vented about it to one close friend, felt better, and put it out of my head. I'm glad I did since my husband's health quickly took a turn for the worse shortly after that. Now that I've had some time to digest his decision, I'm okay with it. I will definitely honor it. It's not that big a deal though at the time I felt very hurt.

My situation is different in that he wasn't betraying me, but I get what you must be going through, particularly since my first husband cheated on me and the pain was almost unbearable. I would suggest that you get some one-on-one counseling to help process your feelings so that you can make a decision you can live with. You need to be able to deal with the feelings or they will tear you up and probably impact your ability to care for your husband. Maybe the decision will be to leave him, and that's fine, but you need to sort it out. You cannot let him hold you hostage because he is dying. Hopefully, there is a middle ground. I would exact a promise from him that this will not happen again and then tell him the consequences of what will happen if he does.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. Life is just so complicated at times, especially when you least need it to be.

DH dx'ed May '11, age 62
Jul '11: resection Stage IV
10/11: 6 mo Folfox
8/12:thyr canc, surg/tx
2/13: peri mets
2/13: Firi/Avas
6/13: Ok
8/13: break
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1/14: Erb Fail; spread
5/14: Tx stopped
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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby Nodak » Wed Jun 25, 2014 6:37 pm

I don't have any great advice for you just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you during this terrible time. Hang in there and hopefully you can find it in your heart to forgive because anthing else just wastes so much of your energy. You are in my prayers.
02/13 Stage IV cc liver KRAS +
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09/13 Liver res
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Re: When facing death do extramarital affairs come to mind?

Postby jjlist » Fri Jun 27, 2014 5:48 am

no one can can answer this for you. you will have to live with yourself and your own convictions.
you have 2 choices here. stay or leave.

I love him and don't plan to give him the boot,I also won't let him die desperate and alone in some hotel

everyone has their own personal definition of marriage vows. sounds like you answered your own question.
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