The really hard part...

[Cherie]

The really hard part about cancer if facing your own mortality. Before cancer we know intellectually, yes, one day we will die. However, that is some time far far away and maybe it's not even true because I am me, and bad things only happen to other people. I have struggled all my life with bowel disease and now its gone and I wish I had of had my bowel removed years ago but I was vain and younger. I still deal with pain and bleeding and have surgery ahead but the constant thoughts of my own death invade my thoughts and I have lost the ability to take life for granted. This is the really hard part....just hard relaxing and taking life in because now I keep thinking thing like ... is this the last time I will be able to travel to the US and see my friends, how old does my daughter need to be to remember me, should I push for more surgery and see what new things can be done....tick tick tick......oh to take life for granted and be carefree wouldn't that be grand.

[singingholly]

I perfectly know what you mean of course, but in our new consciousness there is the bad and the good side. Personally I regained an intensity in life that I previously lost with the end of childhood.
Now we really know we are mortal but while the moment of our death remains misterious, somewhere in the future, we live exactly the same condition of everyone else. The same condition of the "unawares"...
While death is not "now" death is not real, infact... Real is life, and the present time, so precious... Because each single moment doesn't come back! For NOBODY. Everything else is just an illusion.
I apologize for my english which is not adequate to such a subject.

[Stanfordmom]

Cherie,

I have the same thoughts as you. Sometimes in the middle of having a fun conversation or a great moment with my youngest boy (I have two boys, ages 10 and 14), sadness would creep into my heart. I was thinking to myself: how many more years do I have? For how long do I get to look at his beautiful face and hold him?

being a busy working mother for 14 years, I used to miss all the carefree years I had before we had kids (don't get me wrong, I love my kids so much, and enjoy them so much). Now I long for all those busy, hustling and carefree years raising my kids and developing a career!

I am trying to keep myself upbeat but cannot escape these thoughts

[Nester]

Hi cheerie,

Although it is easy not think about it, i try to face this concentrating on the present.
Indeed, the past is something we remember of, full of nice moments (maybe some bad as well) and it is something we probably would like to replay somehow, and re-enjoy, but it is not possible.These are life rules.
Future is of course something we will face, but we don't know (and by 'we' I mean all the mortal beings, healthy or ill), and unfortunately we can't predict 100% (we try like the weather forecasts , but we often fail, at least in my experience ).
What we have is the present, today, so if it's a sunny day and you feel good, enjoy it as there won't be tomorrow.

When death and all of its friends will come to take me, i'm pretty sure i will be ready to go, and after i think i won't care about my mortal life.
Maybe i'm talking selfish, as i have no children, and who i will leave behind , especially my gf , i'm sure she will suffer, but she will make it through.
Of course, i would like to spend more time on this beautiful , even cursed planet, but this choice is not up to me nor you. So try to enjoy the moments without the fear of something will happen or the guilt of i will leave someone behind.

We're just in the stream of life....

M.

[KWT]

You're preaching to the choir Cherie, I have the same thoughts I want my seven year old son to remember me I think my ten year old daughter will. What I don't want is their last memory's of me to be withering away in some fucking bed. Oregon has the death with dignity law so I may be able to avoid that. Hopefully that's a ways down the road. You are NED now is that correct? I would try to focus on that as some don't get there. I'm hoping

[skypup]

I'm hoping for you, too, Kenny. And, Cherie, that you are back in top form before too much longer and stay NED for at least 70 years!

[michelle c]

Our mind is a strong force and can be our own worst enemy - don't let those thoughts take over Cherie because they will if you let them. Try to focus on being NED. And don't beat yourself up about not having your bowel removed earlier - don't blame yourself or dwell on this. This can't be changed so no use worrying about it. Don't let the cancer win, honey. You are a strong person and you will feel better in time. It's hard, I know, because it's always in your face. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. I was told that my cancer was aggressive and so I've been terrified of it coming back - I have three kids - who were 12, 9 and 9 when I was diagnosed - that was five years ago - they are now 17, 14 and 14. They mean the world to me and love them so much. My biggest fear was leaving them without a mother but I am still here and I'm sure that you will be too. Hang in there. Love and hugs to you xoxox

Check this out: http://www.cancerwa.asn.au/resources/ca ... er-update/
Go down to the fourth audio with slideshow - It's called "I'm scared my cancer will come back" by Dr Jemma Gilchrist. She came to Perth for the The Cancer Council of Western Australia and did this lecture.
Hope it helps.

[JDinNC]

As for me, I don't think that much about my mortality anymore. I know that I have no control on when my time will come. I'm just living one day at a time. Everyone keeps telling me that nobody knows when they will die. So I've just been keeping myself busy, gardening, painting the house, crafting and enjoying the company of my friends.
Though I'm NED now with one year behind me. I know that somewhere down the road the cancer will come back, and I will have to start fighting it again. With the grace of God, I hope to follow my mother's mortality. She had so many incidents in her life where she should have die but she ended up outliving her generation of family and friends at the age of 90. I pray that her guardian angel is now watching over me..and also protecting me.

I can't tell you how many times in the past I would say..I'm 50 so I still have at least another 30 years to live. I'm 60, I at least have another 20 years....then you get cancer and now I say ... I'm 62...maybe I will live another 3 years.

All I can say, just live one day at a time...enjoy it and be graceful that God has given this day to you. I will continue to do the things I've enjoyed doing before cancer. And if I never get a chance to finish these things, I can at least Say I tried to live a normal life.

For those of you with young children, all I can suggest is to have pictures of you with them, make a memory book, write letters about how proud you are of achievement they might have done., make video tapes for each child telling them how you feel and your hopes for them as they grow up. Make things with them that will be keepsakes for them. I know it will be hard but giving them happy memories now will follow them through their lives. For my granddaughter and grandson, I'm making them each memory boxes with special things we did together in the hope it will be something they can always go back and look at to help them remember me.

Keep faith and hope ...
Jan

[Frenchie's Wife]

Cherie,
I was diagnosed stage 4 and given 6 to 9 months at the most. That was almost 5 years ago! Like you, death was on my mind constantly at first. I was expecting to die at any time. The first year was the worst. It's was depressing to say the least. The cancer kept spreading and the doctor kept telling to have my things in order. He's not saying much now, he died of cancer 3 months ago. I went to his funeral, how ironic. Now the cancer has spread to my lungs and doubles in size every 3 months. I stopped all treatments in February. Still nothing honey, I'm still here !! The point of all this is that only god knows when your time is up the docs are often wrong. Now death hardly crosses my mind. I carry on my day to day activities and enjoy life. Worry is just wasted energy.

[KimT]

I have a very strong faith in God. Dying really doesn't hurt my feelings other than wanting to raise my son to adulthood. It was hard to have the conversation with my son that I will probably die someday from cancer. But I don't want him to be afraid of death and I have always tried to be honest and up front about my health. I am in remission from both my colon and ovarian cancers. For the most part, between check ups, I pretend it never happened. I think cancer has taught me and my family to embrace and really appreciate life. My mom was diagnosed with leukemia in August 2012 and died 10 months later. It was a hard 10 months but we really packed in a lot of love in that time.

[Guinevere]

Since all my treatments have been exhausted, this is something that's come to mind more than I would like. I'm glad my children are grown but it breaks my heart to know I won't see my granddaughters milestones. I had so much to tell them. About life, about God and how He can really be there for them, about their fathers and just other stuff. I have lost two children - one an infant and one was my 7 year-old stepdaughter - that I will be reunited with as well as my dad, grandparents and such. Oddly, I do look forward to that but still want to be here to see my oldest granddaughter win another equestrian medal or to see my baby granddaughter take her first steps. Hopefully and prayerfully, I'll see those things but there will always be more I want to see. That's the nature of life, I guess. We can never get enough it seems.

This is the hard part but we're still here.

God bless ~
Guinevere

[juliej]

Cherie, we live under the sword of Damocles. And I find it more and more impossible to convey the ridiculousness and absurdity of a near-constant confrontation with my own mortality to friends, family, and other non-stage-4 patients. In my gallows humor, I have 2 designations: NED (which I currently am) and NDY (not dead yet). That smug son-of-a-bitch cancer may have taken part of my liver, lungs, and rectum, but I refuse to let it inside my head.

[CRguy]

Strange you should mention THE sword juliej. Once had a discussion with our friend monique who said the same thing and my sagely advice :
"Don't look UP !"
which, metaphorically anyway ... I live by
...almost said try to live by ... then remembered

“Do or do not. There is no try.” - Master Yoda

[jvaime21]

Go straight...... Don't look back !!! because it will curse you!!

aime