NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

[abuttigi]

Thanks everyone, for the encouragement! I really appreciate this place. Lately I've been so burned out and I feel like my friends have had enough. I go see a counselor, but its nice to talk with people who get it.

[michelle c]

I am so angry at your uncles. How dare they. I have a similar problem with my uncle. Do what you need to do - there will come a time when your mom will need you when she's much older - what does she think you should do?

Hugs to you, Angie and happy Easter xoxox

[Staci's team]

Lois, if you venture back and read this, please know that Staci and I think of -- and talk about -- Bill Llib, and you, and Thomas quite often. We've wondered how the two of you have been, and have been sending good thoughts and prayers your way. We consider ourselves lucky to have been able to spend even just a single day in Saratoga and Lake George with the two men in your life.


Chris

[SMR]

Tonight marks three weeks since my husband passed. The pain, loneliness, and despair is so palpable. I've been keeping myself busy, working, dinner with friends etc. Today I visited my husbands gravesite for the first time since burial. I wasn't sure how I would feel- would I feel anything? It was good to go, I think. Tonight I go to sabbath services, tomorrow to a Passover Seder then Sunday to Easter dinner (I'm Jewish, DH Catholic). Being busy is good but sometimes it feels like I don't have time to feel my own feelings...

Wishing a peaceful weekend to you all.

[Helen]

Hi Everyone,

Angie you have done such a wonderful job continuing going forward with school and being very successful at it.I hope you are able to continue walking your path,not anyone else's.You know in your heart what is best for you and also what your dad would want for you,as well as your mom.I wish you the strength to soar.

SMR I understand your feelings and my heart goes out to you.I encourage to make time just for you everyday even if they are only little blocks of time.

Vickie I think of you and your family often.

Well I have been on the road a lot again lately and I am leaving tomorrow for two more days.I still talk to our oncologist on a pretty regular basis,yesterday I went and saw her.I wasn't sure how it would be being at NORRIS for me it was grand our onc was so happy to see me she ran down the hall and hugged me close.Our main RN was so surprised to see me she squealed when she came in the office.I then went and saw our great team in the day hospital.

After the initial excitement of seeing our onc and we were in her office.I started to cry a little and she as always was so kind and reassured me that what I was feeling was a ok.I stayed and visited in between patients for awhile and I'm really glad that I finally had the courage to go and see everyone.

Iv'e cried every day this week.I miss my beloved so….

Peace and Love
~Helen

[src1976]

I wish there were words to ease the pain of everyone who has lost someone to this disease. As of today it has only been relatives of my husband, but 12 hours ago
my husband had his first chemo treatment. Although we are optimistic, I can't help but think, one day I might seek encouragement on this thread.
Helen, I can't believe what a wonderful gift you received, with the message you got from Pam. I believe it was her reaching out to you, letting you know she was Ok, and is always with you. I understand about visiting her grave, as when I visit my brothers and dad at theirs, I know they are not there, but I feel there is always a peacefulness that surrounds it and makes me able to talk to them without distractions at home like tv, phone, the possibility of someone knocking at the door! and if I cry and someone happens to see me, well I am in the right place and they understand.
I hope and pray that everyone here receives love and support from their family and friends to get thru your difficult days.
I too wish everyone a peaceful holiday weekend

[concernedrelative]

Thank you Helen for starting this. I am coming up on the 2nd month since my wife's passing. The pain remains relentless but somehow I am finding my days incrementally easier to get thru. I have been keeping very busy prepping for a move (same building, two floors down, 1 bedroom) and getting ready for the Fargo, ND 10K on May 10th, the day after what would have been our 6 year wedding anniversary. I also went looking for another 10K at the end of the summer and lo and behold the Madison, WI 10K is on my wife's b-day so of course I signed up. I told her before she passed that I would dedicate all of my running races the rest of my life to her courage and bravery and that's what I intend to do.

We have a colorectal charity race here in Minneapolis called Get Your Rear in Gear 5K in mid-May. I just didn't have the strength to field a team as I did last year. Fortunately one of my wife's loveliest friends in the world picked up the ball right away as team captain and it appears we'll have at least 20-25+ for the run/walk. Some incredible people just know how to swoop in when they are needed most; I am blessed beyond words. Should be a great day.

I talk to my wife periodically each day and usually I am asking her questions for which there are no answers. Not sure yet why I do it. I am thinking of writing letters to her just to get things off my chest. I've also found a young widows/widowers support group and will be attending my first meeting middle of next month.

My wife and I knew each other for 13 years and were married for about half that time. More recently what breaks my heart further is finding one of my "keeper" cards. When she would give me a card for holidays or my birthday, it was when she really opened up about how she felt and I always teased her "this card is going in the keeper" pile. Well I have about 3 shoeboxes of those cards that I will look over once in a while. It is hard because how often can you read "how happy I made her" and "how the sky was the limit for our relationship" and "how the decades ahead of us would unfold even happier"? How can someone be so good at something and still lose everything? As much as I will cherish these cards and I know life holds no promises, they are such vivid reminders also of the cruelty of this disease or any tragedy that befalls a loving couple.

Thanks all for letting me vent.

Best, Concerned Relative

[SMR]

Concerned-
Your post rings true and pulls at my own heart strings. I'm three weeks out and I find myself talking out loud to my DH often. I always have questions... Many mundane questions that I just always took for granted he would always be able to answer for me- what brand tomatos to use in homemade sauce, sharp or extra sharp provolone (and yes, non food ones too!) These small every day things make the loss and emptiness seem cavernous. I also have a pile of cards, and it is at once elating and devastating to look at them.
Anyway... Your writing has always captured me as you have a natural way with words. I hope your young widows group is helpful. I have t looked I to any groups yet, but it is still early...

[abuttigi]

I also have a pile of cards, and it is at once elating and devastating to look at them.
Anyway... Your writing has always captured me as you have a natural way with words. I hope your young widows group is helpful. I have t looked I to any groups yet, but it is still early...

I have stuff that my dad wrote too. Even seeing is signature makes me cry. My friends cleared my car of his cancer-related stuff after he died (I inherited and now drive his car), but I kept the good stuff.

I went to church this morning, and the priest said a prayer that said something like "I hope this Easter season brings hope to those grieving." Whether you are Christian/Catholic or not, I hope this spring season does bring us hope, happiness, and joy in light of what we've all been through.

Angie

[Mojo]

At almost 2 1/2 years out I am able to let go of some of those cards. I still kept some, but realizing at sixty I have to scale down on things. His best friend retired yesterday and while I am very happy for him, it reminded me of our retirement dreams dashed. It was bittersweet. Kenny loved doing military models and he collected about sixty of those models for retirement. I have given a few away to a friend who just lost his cancer battle. Seeing his oncologist is every day at hospital, I knew him before Kenny cancer fight. Talk with the oncologist nurses often. Life goes on for those left behind we just do the best we can and that is good enough. Hugs to all, Sharon

[Helen]

Hi Everyone,

Today my love has been gone 133 days or 19 weeks. I HATE CANCER. Our youngest nephews prom was last saturday and the fact that his Mom and his Aunt were not in any of the pictures knocked him to his knees. Not on saturday but a couple of days later when he was looking at the pics we all took. I tried to tell him that although they weren't there physically that I bet if we really looked threw all of the pictures we would find some sign of them. Well that did not satisfy him and I have cried hard every day since then, I even had to pull over yesterday I was crying to hard to see. It is not unusual at all for me to cry my whole world has changed, this is every cell in my body is aware of the loss of my darling wife and sister kinda cry. I really wonder at times how this is going to affect our nephews their mom's death was out of the blue. Their much adored Aunt they witnessed her decline and often accompanied us to chemo,putting so much faith into their Aunts tx and then loosing her as well. Because they did go to chemo thursday with us they also knew our team and fellow warriors. Our oldest nephew really connected with Gloria Borges who was treated at NORRIS as well and her death hit him pretty hard,for he as many did thought that if anyone had a real chance at beating the beast known as CANCER it would be her. Then almost a month later our dear friend Melissa who was also treated at NORRIS. I guess what I am saying is they have seen so much at ages where they will never forget any of the details of any of these horrific life changing events. I am rambling and will stop for now.

Peace and Love
Helen

[pfCml73183]

《Helen》
I am sorry you are having a hard time. Some people can only dream of having such a strong relationship like you had with Pam.
It is remarkable that you care so much about your nephews. I am sure they have learned from you and Pam how to be strong in love, in life and in death. I wish that you will keep that legacy alive for all 3 of you.
Sincerely, Celeste

[vickitwo]

So I have to brag...... Sunday was a very happy and proud day for me and my family. My 23 year old daughter who is my oldest child graduated from college, Summa Cum Laude. I so wish that her father could have been there to witness it. He was so proud of her and loved her so much. She has worked so hard under such difficult circumstances these last two years to achieve her goal. Her plan is to apply to medical school and become a doctor like her dad. It breaks my heart that he is not here to share that whole process with her. Hopefully, he is with her in spirit. On another good note my youngest, the twins will be graduating from HS next month and will be going off to college in the Fall. The good thing is that my nest won't be empty as my oldest will be coming back home to live with me while she applies for medical school. The earliest she could get in would be the Fall of 2015. I would appreciate any positive vibes and prayers sent her way. She will make a wonderful and caring doctor. I am so proud of her and of all of my children. Dennis and I were blessed with five wonderful children.

[SMR]

Vicki, wonderful news about your children. I imagine it will be SO nice to have your daughter home with you for a bit.

[Donniesgirl]

Wow Helen. I LOVE that you started this thread! I was a regular Colon Club follower, and sometime contributor, during my beloved husbands year long battle with this horrible insidious disease. He lost his fight almost exactly one year after it began, and passed away April 16, 2011. I come back to the forum often and read and follow, but I never feel like I should join in......because he died. I don't want to share our experiences with the people in the middle of their fight, because after all, we lost, we didn't make it, and I don't want to discourage anyone. But the sad thing is, I, you, all of us left behind, still live with colon cancer every day. It's ability to destroy will never leave us, but where do we go with all that pain and experience!? I continue to wear pins/ sport tattoos/ drive around with car magnets etc to bring awareness to this killer. I promote March as Colon Cancer Awareness month every year to everyone I meet! But unless you've been there......been through the appointments, the treatments, the ups and downs, all of what colon cancer entails, it's almost impossible to relate. That's not to criticize anyone, not at all, it's just that you feel SO isolated after the patient dies and you're left behind. Colon cancer will ALWAYS be a part of my life. It, and every detail of it's progression, will ALWAYS be a weight around my neck. And the ONLY people who truly get that, are other partners. So thank you, so much, for giving me an outlet. Thank you so much, for putting a thread out there for those of us left behind. Like so many others I HATE CANCER! I HATE COLON CANCER! Just like your partner, mine deserved to LIVE!! And we have a right to be angry!! For them, for us, and for everyone else who has to go down this road!! I know that for me, this disease took my life too. We love these partners of ours SO VERY MUCH. They are the air we breathe, our hopes and plans for the future, and they are STOLEN by this disease! Robbed of the future they so richly deserved! From outside appearances we move on. The casseroles and cards stop coming, the sad faces faces return to normal, and people think we've "gotten on" with our lives. But we haven't. Maybe we never will..... But the secret is....you can't tell anybody that. That's why I am SO grateful for this thread. Because it's a safe place to say "Guess what! I'm NOT ok."
I am truly SO sorry for your loss. I am truly sorry for my own loss, and the loss of everyone else that this effin colon cancer has damaged.
Thank you for posting. Karen Marie