NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

[HardKnox]

My dear friend has been gone eight months now and I'm still a complete and utter mess.

I think about her the moment I lay down to sleep at night and the first moment I awaken. The void left in my life is absolutely CAVERNOUS.

I don't know why I still lurk Colon Club. I guess I've grown to care about so many of you, and I truly do undertand what you're going through.

I know one thing for sure, and that is I certainly feel alot more "finite" than I ever did before.

My heart goes out to all of you (those that have cancer and their caregivers) who are hurting.

HK

[SMR]

I feel so scared that I am losing all the important things I want so dearly to hold on to. I feel like I can't picture his face without looking at a photo, I can't hear his voice, feel his touch, remember that incredibly unique and amazing feeling of being his one and only. How can these things be so foreign, so far away? It hasn't even been two weeks since my love passed. If things are fading this quickly how will I ever survive? Some have said that I am still in shock and these things will come back to me. I certainly hope so because the pain and disappointment of this part is oh so much worse than I could have ever fathomed. I WANT to feel the pain of my incredible loss... I want to see his face everywhere I look, hear his voice in my head and on and on...

[andy21]

I keep a journal in Google Docs and write names of each city I lived or visited with my dad and then write what I remember of him.
It keeps growing every day and then I talk with my mom of specific incidents and days with him.
Keeps both me and my mom sane.

Among the desert of people in the world I knew, he was the Oasis.

[Laurettas]

I still lurk here also to see how all of my virtual friends are doing and offer any little support that I can. My husband passed away 17 months ago after being diagnosed in April 2011.

SMR, you are experiencing what many call widow fog. I think it is our mind's way of protecting us from the overwhelming pain of losing the one we have become one with. For most widows/widowers it lasts about six months and then the pain and reality come back into focus. I have found that reading a widows' site is quite helpful in understanding what is happening to me. There seems to be a fairly common pattern to grieving the loss of a spouse and it is helpful to know that what you are experiencing is normal.

[livingbyfaith]

My hubby went to heaven 10-24-13, the struggle has been rough. A great help to me has been Daily Strength site for widows and widowers, a message board of people going thru the same thing. They have been very comforting. Also a book "Hello From Heaven" is great and "Reflections of a Grieving Spouse" has also been a great help. God bless.

[Helen]

Hi Everyone,

Thank you for the birthday wish's! It has been 112 days since my beloved Pam was set free from the monster known as cancer.This week has been harder than last for me…. I am back to not being able to sleep, I am open to suggestions. I miss my darling Pam in every way,Pam was such a free spirit and so full of life until cancer robbed her of life. Pam was in such constant pain and I am grateful that that is no longer the case. Our oldest nephew and I were talking last weekend and he told me if I could bring Aunt Pam back I wouldn't because to have her be in the horrific pain she was in would just be cruel.He is a wise young man who has had to much loss to soon in his life,his mother my only sibling died 10-29-2012 in the middle of the night. My beautiful wife was 10 months into chemo for life at that point in time.

I feel lost and without direction,not really knowing how to go forward.I do see friends and our nephews visit often and our dogs and gardening keep me busy.Its just that everything is different now…For example I had lunch with an old friend yesterday and she said about half way thru our lunch.Wow this is so odd I think its the first time since Pam has been gone that we have had lunch alone and I just realized how weird it is that Pam hasn't called and you haven't called her and its just so strange.I said yes it is strange and heartbreaking and I do not like it one bit at all.

Peace and Love

~Helen

[DogMom]

Helen.. I have never posted on the "wives etc.." Thread because I am a patient, not a caregiver. I have followed your and Pam's story for some time though. I was and continue to be inspired by your love for each other. It's apparent many others are too. I wish for you to know peace and joy again, but I fear that a after loss like you have suffered, it will take a long time for you to feel those those things. I wish I had some advice for you. I don't. Just know that you have blessed and inspired at least one person on this forum (and I know many more) by sharing your story.

Wishing you the best going forward. Bonnie

[abuttigi]

Today is Palm Sunday for us Catholics. My dad use to always get palms and make them into crosses. It's a common thing to do, so when I got home, I youtubed how to do it and made two. They are now resting against my framed photos of my dad. I couldn't find the strength to do it last year, and this year I didn't make it through without breaking down, but at least I did it.

Man this time if year my dad got so excited to get the garden ready and plant his veggies for the year. We use to always aim for my bday, may 3, to plant everything.

Lately, my extended family, specifically some of my uncles, have been putting so much pressure on me to take care of my mom since she doesn't drive. I eventually want to do a residency out of Michigan in a big city, but that would mean leaving her behind. People tell me it's my life, while my family implies that I need to stay home to take care of her. I know they will gossip about me if I leave, but I have a feeling I'll hate myself if I don't. My dad would be ashamed of them. I could really use his guidance now about what speciality to go into, and where. He had the uncanny ability to help me see what u really wanted without telling me or forcing me into anything. He supported me no matter what, which is more than I can say of my family now.

It's just very lonely. I'm sure it doesn't even begin to compare with loosing a significant other, but I know thus is a safe place to jot down how I feel, so there it is.

Angie

[vickitwo]

Angie,

You have worked so hard to get where you are at today. Follow your dreams, you have to make your own life. As a parent that is what I would want for my children. My oldest daughter is graduating from college in May and has started the process of applying for medical school. That was her Dad's profession. My heart aches for her that he is not around to share that with her. The two of them were very close. He was and would be so proud of her. You remind me of her. I wonder if the two of you could offer some support to one another? Good luck in your decision.

[SMR]

Angie,
I so agree with Vikki. You really NEED to follow your passion. You are going to be absolutely amazing and help countless people and families. The inner family drama is never easy to deal with, especially where guilt and the like are used. Out of curiosity, have you talked with your mom at all about this? I'm really early in the grieving process, but I'm constantly asking what my husband would say about every different situation that arises. I'm trying to guide my life based on seeking the kinds of answers we would come up with together. It seems clear that you've thought about what your dad would have to say...
Lots of love and good vibes to you,
Stacey

[janklo]

Angie, as a mom, I too would want you to make your decisions based on what you want and what's best for your career, not on what your family thinks. You going away for residency is just temporary, you can always settle back where your mom lives later. Or maybe your mom will move where you live, maybe a change of pace would be good for her. Just follow your heart and don't feel guilty! Your dad is smiling down, proud of you every day.

[Lois7718]

So nice to see this thread here. I haven't checked out the board in quite some time. I alternate between coming back to a place where Bill found so much community and support and staying away for fear of learning of more loss.

So hard sometimes to realize he has been gone for 20 months. Sometimes it seems like an eterinty and others like yesterday. I've found my self recently putting off getting my taxes done as I would have to deal with his unused vacation time, stock options and filing for the first time as a qualifying widow. I've never been so unhappy to get a refund Bill always hated getting a refund...he felt we should have been earning interest in stead of floating a free loan.

Lois

[CRguy]

Thanks for checking in Lois.
You and Bill are always part of this great group ..... at least, for your 100% KEWL screen names ( inside joke ) ... and the fact that :

"Farticus" will live forever in our hearts !

Love, Peace and Harmony
always on a Journey, my friend

CRguy

[Diane61]

It's been 20 yrs since my dad passed away, 40 yrs for my grandfather, and now I'm fighting it again with my husband. This horrid thing called colon cancer is going to yet again, one day, take the third most important man from me. What's so ironic is I was 11 & 33 yrs old when they died, and if statics are accurate, onc is saying life expectancy is 2 1/2yrs, I'll be 55. I read on this blog and believe it was Bev G who wrote "if God gives us challenges according to our capacity, he must really think you're a badass"...well I want to be a whimp!

[vickitwo]

Diane61,
Yes, I would want to be a wimp as well. Colon cancer is a cruel beast. I am a Louisiana native also, from a little town west of B.R. on I-10, known as the Crawfish Capital of the World. Makes my mouth water just thinking of those little critters. I bet they are real good about this time of year.