NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

[WifeOfMike]

Hello dear friends,

Been awhile since we checked in. Easter was the first real Holiday since my hubby left us.Started out great day. Decided to cheer up my sons with a ham dinner- so once I plopped the ham in the oven, I plotted the next move. I went out on my youngest son's fishing boat for the first time.... also the first ride for our middle son as well.

We all had a blast tootling around the Oceanside Harbor (although the wind kicked up and made the waters choppy) kind of like mini roller-coaster rides. I had traded youngest son's puddle jumper (tiny) fishing boat for a 21' Triumph (named CHAOS- go figure) and thought Triumph (over) Chaos was Perfect under the circumstances. It is a last gift from me and Dad. We all had a wonderful two hours watching seals, pelicans and other boats zipping by.

Back to the house and we sat down for a nice family meal. Mom and sis/ BIL did not come. Mom wanted to, but sis insisted on inviting ME and her only. Never have gotten her into the warm & fuzzy feelings about being an Aunt. NO can do holidays without my sons- Especially now. So I guess this is the last time mom will be tootling up there for the holidays. We put her house on the market two weeks ago & already have the first looker putting in an offer. So mom will be moving in with yours truly. Something we both and the kids are looking forward to. Meant to be, really.

I got a little mopey when I started peeling the hard boiled eggs- for deviled eggs- a Easter Holiday tradition. One of hubby's favorites. Made me do a flashback from last year, when I drew chicks, Easter bunnies, etc onto hubby's daily hard boiled eggs.... and hid around the corner so I could see his face when he hit the fridge. I can still remember the grin, and comment "somebody Likes ME". YEP baby cakes..... I still do.
Cory on left, me (no my hair is shoulder length but blowing into a cropped look, LOL) and Brian on my right
That is our newest 4 legged member of the family.... "Cali"


Much love and hugs,
Vicki

[Helen]

Hello All

Vickie nice to hear about your Easter adventure,sorry about your sister though.Today is my 52nd birthday and although my friends took me to lunch I have felt super empty all day longing for Pam.My darling left cards and a few gifts for me to open when the card says to do so.Today I opened a present that had a clay pot that Pam painted a flower on for me,I knew about the cards but not about the gifts.My beloved has them hid in our home I am really surprised I didn't find any when I moved to Morro Bay for a short period of time last fall.This one was hidden in the rafters.I replanted a spider plant in it we have had for ever,we actually got it as a start from a plant my Aunt has had for over 40 years now.I am going to go to Lowes tomorrow to see what they recommend I seal the pot with as I want to forever have the flower on it that my beloved painted for me.

Peace and Love

~Helen

ps I still burn candles for all of us on sundays.

[bitchslapped]

Vicki, There is something so methodical about peeling, slicing, scooping those deviled eggs that the mind wonders. I always think of my other DSS while making them. While everyone seems to love deviled eggs (never heard of anyone that doesn't), he was crazy about them & critiqued whether or not there was just that right "bite" to them . Even though he is not local anymore, so not here for Easter I always think of him. On a side note; any holiday where my kids would not be considered part of the package (unless they had other plans), then neither am I.

Helen, BD wishes to you. I, too have an old plant that I'm nursing along. It was my mother's, an indoor philodendron in the original wall planter. Remember it as a kid.

bitchslapped

[WifeOfMike]

Happy Birthday Helen!

How fun that Pam was hiding presents and notes. I was always finding some goodie that Mike had stashed for some upcoming holiday present (OOPS), and pretending I did not find it and acting surprised. Sometimes he did pull it off without me stumbling on his secret stashes. Last one was this past Christmas. He had it hidden in his briefcase (had to be pre mid October that he put it there) & when we were giving out presents, he had the boys go get it for him. His grin was priceless. He was not one to think as far ahead as Pam did, and I envy you that one sister. The pot sounds lovely!

Yes Lois, Mikey loved his deviled eggs. I used to make an extra plate for him to nibble on in the days following Easter. I do know he would have gotten a kick out of me on the boat. I typically get sea sick, so I put on my Big Girl Panties and hunkered in, thinking I would be turning green & going to have to pretend I was having fun with my sons. Lo and behold- I was not even queasy..... and it was pretty choppy and bouncy. I actually popped up off my seat into the air a couple of times. I have lost about 25 lbs in the last months- not on purpose. I was tossed around like a rag doll and my butt was a little tender from less padding, LOL. I keep losing weight and they will have to teather me to the rails like a balloon.

Next weeks are going to be slammed. I have a trade show April 17-19, I need to find an apartment for youngest son, and helping mom go through the motions of house sale (it has an offer in motion), packed and moved PLUS annual taxes for the business. Oh and I (stupidly) am helping youngest house train the puppy, before she is turned loose in their apartment. Anybody want to trade places for the next 60 days???? Pretty PLEASE??? Nope didn't think I would get any takers, hahahaha

Love & kisses from the crazy lady
Vicki

[Val*pal]

Vicki - Glad to hear that you seem to be doing well. The sadness is always there, I'm sure, but life must be appreciated. I'm so glad that you are having your mom move in with you. I had my mom move in with me her last five years and it went very well, especially since we were always simpatico. I can't believe your sister-in-law did not invite your sons to dinner! Good grief!!

Helen - I hope your sadness is lessening, though I know how hard it is to keep your chin up. Happy birthday!! Pam would want you to be enjoy every day.

I'm doing okay. When the weather allows, I am working on the backyard that was neglected during Danny's illness. I enjoy being outside and making things look better, the way Danny liked it. I finally had a tree company come out and remove a tree that half fell during a thunderstorm the night Danny died. I just didn't have the energy to deal with it last summer after Danny's passing. The fact that half the tree fell the night he died is so weird since he had reminded me several times during his last days that the tree needed to be removed.

I think what sustains me is a feeling that Danny is always close by.

[SFLwife]

Hello everyone,

I love coming in here and reading your posts. It is like no one in the world understands how I feel and how my thoughts go, other than you guys. I read your posts and cry and smile inside with you.
I can't believe it has been 18 months since Richard passed. Val, I have many things that I don't want to change, like your tree, as I don't want to "remove" things that remind me of him. Having had to move to another home and city, those little things are precious to me. I still get teary when a song or story comes up that brings back a string memory. But I don't want those memories to go away. I just washed a t shirt of his yesterday that I have had under my pillow since he passed away. Needless to say, it had many tears in it. But it was one of my many touchstones to him. But I have come to realize,met here are memories of him everywhere and my sons help me keep them alive. Richard was a wonderful orchid grower. I am seeing many of his plants blooming this season (despite my ability to kill every other plant I have) and each one makes me smile. My son kept several with him in South Florida and sends me pictures of those blooming. I love that he has as much of a love of them as his dad did.
My sons are asking what I want to do with his ashes. I have his urn on my dresser along with a
Little orchid his with a lock of his hair. They are talking about doing a memorial in a reef (as another big love of Richards was snorkeling). I am just not ready to let him go though. But he would love having that as his memorial.

[vickitwo]

SFLwife,

Originally I was planning on spreading Dennis' ashes in the mountains. He died in Jan. 2014. I had thought that I would wait till a beautiful spring or summer day when all of the kids were home and we could go out to the mountains and spread them. But in the meantime I place the ashes on top of the TV cabinet. I got used to the box being there and now just can't bring myself to do it. I don't think that I want to open the box. So far I am comfortable with the ashes here. I may have to get a nice wooden box to put them in. Dennis loved woodworking and I think that he would like that.

The other night while on facebook someone posted a picture of their beloved dog that had recently died. It made me think of our deceased dog Max. He was a mutt, probably a mix of Lab/Rotweiller and who knows what else. We had him for 10 years and he died of cancer in 2009. We all loved him so much. He was always so happy to see us and would give us this big old goofy doggy smile and would wag his tail so much his whole body would shake. We took it so hard when he died. Anyway I imagined Max greeting Dennis like that in the afterlife. It made me smile.

[Val*pal]

I think I'm finally beginning to remember Danny as he was before his cancer diagnosis. More and more my memories of him are ones in which he is blissfully unaffected by a terminal diagnosis. I remember how he was like a kid when it came to enjoying the very simple things in life, and how we could work on a jig-saw puzzle together for hours quietly enjoying each other's presence.

I'm not trying to negate his last three years during which he exhibited so much courage I'm still in awe, but it's nice to be able to pair the painful memories with the earlier ones. I don't know if that's how others feel after losing a loved one, but for me the first six months after he died I kept rehashing the sadder times until it drove me crazy. It was almost impossible to remember what he had actually been like before.

When my mom passed away peacefully in 2002 at the age of 89, I hurt so much, but I didn't feel cheated. One thing her priest said to me at her funeral was that I would find a new and deeper relationship with her after her death, and that I would feel her with me. It took me a few years to feel that way, but I do feel it now. I think I'm starting to embrace the same with Danny. Maybe it's just a psychological defense mechanism, but I keep feeling like he is near me always. I am just so grateful we met and got to share our lives.

[trapbear]

Val*Pal,
Wow, I am going through exactly the same thing. My beloved husband died Sept 2, 2014, and my memories are stuck in the last three months of his life, which were so painful. He was so much more than that and I am hoping my memories start to change to the majority of our 27 years together which were wonderful, full of travel, fun with friends and family, etc. I think we are going through a version of PTSD. It helps to read others posts. Grief is hard and I have learned to just let it take me where it wants.
Hugs to you all,
Bill

[Mojo]

I see kenny more now as the vital man rather than the emaciated guy. I remember funny times and less the sad times. I'm 3 1/2 years out. It does get better, but still miss him and hearing his voice. Hugs to u all.

[exaussie]

I am so glad to see that I am normal in being stuck in the dark days. I keep thinking the self defeating thought that there was something we could/should have done more...
I can't bare to watch videos of John in recent past. I can watch him as a little boy but not older.
Life is still hard. We feel like we are walking through quick sand carrying a bag of rocks and every time something hard happens another rock is placed in the bag.

[LisaNH]

My husband, Kevin, died June 29, 2014. I had planned to spread his ashes at sea, but I haven't been able to part with him yet. It may sound strange, but I find comfort in having him close by.

I want so much to remember him the way he was when he was healthy, but I often can't get his passing out of my head. Kevin collapsed and died very suddenly a few days after he went on hospice. We all expected he had a few months left (even his oncologist) and he was doing fairly well. I knew on a intellectual level that things can change in an instant, but I hadn't come to terms with it on an emotional level so I was devastated when he died so suddenly. Sometimes when I close my eyes I relive the whole horrible thing. I hate this disease.

[trapbear]

Hi Lisa,
I also still have my husbands ashes. I find comfort keeping them with me as well. When I go, I want to have both of our ashes buried together. Until that day, I like having him around.
Bill

[exaussie]

Spring cleaning myself....
Mammogram done!
Pap done!
colonoscopy scheduled
cholesterol test scheduled
Dermatologist scan to be scheduled
After years of caretaking MIL and then son I am starting to take care of me..It feels strange that's for sure

[WifeOfMike]

Hey gang,

Wanted to stop by & say HI.......
Hope your "Spring Cleaning" went well Exaussie......did mine summer of 2013.....guess it is time for a redo, not that I have any time
I am glad to hear ValPal, that your memories are leaning towards happier times together with your Danny. Mine are still mixed & muddled

Still scrambling to get our business full service- which meant getting a handle on coins.... a small but integral part of the mix & something only hubby really knew
Also still sorting some of the 40 year accumulation, even my sons grand-kids would never get to. Hubby loved to pack-rat, and you cannot speed through a serious collectors piles, for fear something valuable is hidden like a needle in a haystack, with vultures waiting to pick us off I can see headway, but if I look up- I see the mountain before me. So on I plod, with eyes straight ahead. I am working 6 days/ week- & lots of stuff fills my "day off".... if you can call it that. I call it hump day.

Mom's house went on the market & the first looker put in a bid....... which fell through on the last day- so 2 new buyers were shown property- one said YES. Next thing we knew first buyers asked for a little more "time" to search for a lender...... so we are in the waiting game with two irons in the fire. Made numerous trips back & forth (one hr each way) to bring some stuff HERE- as she will be moving in with me. Which means youngest son/ girlfriend is moving into an apartment- May 11th, so two moves on the horizon hopefully before May 31st. Which also means painting, re-carpeting, etc my sons room to make way for mom. It was SO much easier when I had my sole mate. We were such a great team, dividing up the difficult stuff, and now the cheese stands ALONE. I am doing both of our piles, with new added stuff the situation heaped on, and I have to focus on each task, so as to not be overwhelmed. Obstacles and Murphy's law are NOT my friends, but I try & roll with the tide

I am being torn to shreds, because I still have not been able to do hubby's Celebration of Life Ceremony. I was really close end of March & my best friend got strep throat for over a month (she is helping), so we had to postpone all thru April. LIFE/ deadlines keeps getting in the way. I know HE would understand, but feel like the rest of the pack of wolves will NOT & judgement is being passed. I guess I should not care what anyone else thinks... no one else knows unless they are walking in my shoes (except all of YOU). Guilt, creeps in, and I am trying to shove it under a mat. With all of the moves, etc......... It makes me nauseous to think this will now be put off until June..... six months after our loss and runs close to his birthday (June 19th) and smack into an out of town trade show we are obligated to do. GULP...... Where the heck did time fly off to??????? I want to both slow down AND speed up time, all within each day. Did any of you face this kind of time pressure hell??????

I finally took the many photos taken in December of our family & put them into the proper frames. I made a huge one of us & the boys for our business. I wanted it on the wall as a reminder to many that it is HIS legacy we are carrying on, with love & pride. Next year will be our forty year anniversary of the business, with the 3rd generation (our 3 sons). Needless to say, it was a tearful evening, as I looked into his smiling face. He was SO very happy that day..... but it also reminded me how hard it was for him to stand (he insisted) in a couple of the shots. His Celebration of life posters- with photos of his entire life were in there too, and as I looked at Mike from boy hood, through the last days, I was overwhelmed & cried into my pillows last night. I guess it boils down to the grief, I have been stuffing under the mat as well, trying to keep my head above water. I miss you darling man, so much it hurts. We were supposed to be starting to unwind & enjoy the fruits of our life together. I understand your feeling of being cheated Val, I truly do. I'm hoping having mom here, will help remove some of the emptiness & lonely voids that hit in the middle of the night

Sorry for singing the Blues. I blame it on the grey clouds this evening
Hugs and best wishes to you all,
Vicki