NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

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SMR
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Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:20 pm

Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby SMR » Mon Jul 20, 2015 8:07 am

I feel the same... If someone should find their way into my life, so be it... But I just can't go looking. It doesn't feel right and I cringe just thinking of it. It is so hard thinking that anyone could understand me, and all I've been through, and what I may need. I'm 38 which should be young, but it sure doesn't feel that way.
In other news, I'm thinking of going back to school...
DH DX 10/11 st IV unkown prmry
FFOX 12/11
HIPEC 3/12
FFOX 5/12
7/12 FFIRI
12/12 xeloda
1/13 resection
2/13 FFIRI
4/13 5FU/Avastin
9/13 recurrence, failed surgery
Abdominal fistula
11/13 gemzar, heart attack
12/13 Carbo
2/14 Radiation
3/28/2014 passed

Val*pal
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Facebook Username: Valerie Barkus Kantner
Location: Metro Detroit, Michigan

Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Val*pal » Mon Jul 20, 2015 11:44 am

SMR - at 38 I think you're just way too young to give up on finding someone. You are probably still too traumatized to have the fortitude to do what is necessary to find someone via a dating website. My daughter is 36 and finally found someone through a dating website who seems like a great person. Both he and my daughter are divorced and have children, but they seem like a great match - so far. They have been seeing each other for about 8 months and recently agreed to become exclusive. Believe me, my daughter had to sift through a lot of toads to find this guy. Even if it doesn't end up being a forever relationship, she is enjoying herself for now. Finding someone via the web is grueling and difficult, but it can work.

I'm so sorry your step-children have abandoned you. Depending on their age, there can be lots of "normal" reasons why this is the case. But I'm sure it hurts, regardless. I've seen a lot less of my husband's family in the last six months and that makes me sad as well. However, I know that losing a child you had feelings for is much, much more difficult.

By the way, I think age doesn't really matter in regards to wanting someone in your life to fill a void. If you're 60 or 40, companionship is important. For me, I just don't think I ever want to start a new relationship since I've been married twice. I know that all relationships require work and compromise, and I don't feel like I want to use my energy in that direction any more. Plus, as I'm sure many of you feel, I just keep thinking that Danny can never, ever be replaced. I also feel disloyal, but that isn't what is stopping me.

Yesterday, for some reason, was hard for me. I was driving somewhere and passed a restaurant that Danny and I frequented and I started crying so hard I had to pull over. I kept saying out loud, "Where ARE you, Danny?"
DH dx'ed May '11, age 62
Jul '11: resection Stage IV
10/11: 6 mo Folfox
8/12:thyr canc, surg/tx
2/13: peri mets
2/13: Firi/Avas
6/13: Ok
8/13: break
10/13: Lung, peri, mets
10/13: Firi/Erb
1/14: Erb Fail; spread
5/14: Tx stopped
6/20/14: At rest

Helen
Posts: 240
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Facebook Username: helen.andersen

Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Helen » Sun Jul 26, 2015 12:15 pm

Hello everyone I posted the following on my Facebook page and wanted to share it here.

Peace and Love
~Helen

The sun has come up 584 times since my woman took her last breath here in our home as was her wish.This month has been especially hard without my darling Pam’s physical presence.July is the month that we were finally afforded the right to marry and we were among the many Californian’s granted that right in 2012.A right by the way that I have always considered a civil right.
July is also when in the past we would begin to see real results from working in the garden in the spring,we shared such joy in watching our garden grow.I’m not sure why but this year I did not plant a garden and well I can’t remember the last time I didn’t have a garden.I miss the routine of going into the garden each morning and evening and watering tending but really taking pictures of the whole process along the way.
I have had lot’s of adventures with friends and family this month laugh out loud fun at times.I walk 2 miles most days I eat and sleep well and yet I am left with a part of my heart and soul that always feels empty.I was away from home the first half of the month once again finding myself in Morro Bay and the beach cities I love.I enjoy so many things there my family friends,good times and great food.In a perfect world I would split my weeks between home and the beach.
I will be having a colon resection this coming Friday the 31st.As part of my physical I thankfully had a colonoscopy,I say thankfully because if it were not done I would of never known of my need for surgery.I implore everyone to get there colonoscopy’s it just may save your life.Luckily for me I was able to take advantage of Obamacare and finally get my physical and all testing done.
To say the last month has been surreal would be a major understatement,not only for me but my family and friends as well.I have had scans and blood work and more scans and ultra sounds.I like my surgeon and my primary is fantastic!The month has had many moments of waiting waiting for results to come in waiting for a surgery date.
I would like to thank my Aunt Barb and cousin Nicole for not only hosting me but taking me to appointments when my parents aka Patty and Spencer were not able to do so.I am not only a widow who’s woman passed from colon cancer I am also my parents surviving daughter and it has been very difficult for both of them.Spencer has gone to appointments with me and been such a source of strength,it is not easy hearing results and seeing the images we have seen.
I will spend as much time as possible during the next 5 days at the beach preparing myself for Friday’s surgery.I consider myself lucky and know I will be surrounded by love and have many happy moments with friends and family during this time.I am afraid of the unknown,I miss my wife and I miss my sis
My partner of almost 18 years ***Wife as of July 1 2013***Pam was dx in Nov 2011
Stage IV advanced mCRC
Nov 2011 colostomy
Feb 2012 Folfiri
March 2012 Erbitux
May 2012 3 blood clots
June 2012 Lovenox
May 2013 FOLFOX
Dec 19 2013 My beloved was set free

WifeOfMike
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby WifeOfMike » Sun Jul 26, 2015 1:19 pm

A BIG HUG sent out to you Helen. I am swinging chickens for you, and hope your surgery goes well- without any hitches. I am glad you are having some fun & are surrounded by family & friends who are there for you. Worth it's weight in gold, for sure.

I am totally frustrated, in that my mom's house sale is STILL dragging out. We are now down to the final day(s). We thought it would be this weekend that final papers would be signed & a move out date carved in stone. I find it outrageous we are left hanging, and will be given the move out date (3 day window- BUTT have to give them the date in stone!) once the papers are signed..... hoping for Monday-Tuesday for paperwork. SO, here we sit through yet another weekend by ourselves, an hour away. So close, yet so far away from being together. We started this crap mid March/ April.

My heart is with you, in hearing you speak of missing your dear wife. I get hit out of the blue in the oddest moments. Particularly when I am facing a major financial decision (The economy is set for a not so rosey future & it has me up at night fretting). He was my sounding board, and I am anxious for my mom to join me, so I can bounce things off of an adult. My sons are pretty overwhelmed with learning/ gearing our business up to the next step. So I have backed off with financial details- which piles them all on my shoulders ALONE..... which plays out to missing Mike even more. As if just losing him was not devastating enough!

I have fruit, flowers and avocados in full bloom throughout my 3/4 acre. I am now thinking of buying some raised planters for tomatoes, bell peppers, etc to add to the mix. It will give me pleasure to attend to them & something for mom to do once she gets here. At 79 she is very active. I am heading out to the garage to gut out layers of crap to get rid of. Partly to make room, partly to fit mom's van into. I HATE disorder. My youngest son adds to the disarray, with his fishing gear. I now have two boats in my front yard. One temporary to get ready to sell. Drives me nuts & I have small piles everywhere..... my head has not been into this for at least 1 1/2 years. I feel it staring at me :shock: So better sign off & get to it, on my one day off/ week. OH JOY!

I root for you that are looking for a new relationship. For me, I simply have zero desire and don't think I ever will. Mike was THE love of my life, my best friend of 35 years. I think in my heart of hearts that I would always hold up any other man in comparison. They would fall too short, in comparison. Once you had a soulmate, it is hard to think of settling for anything less. Striking lightning twice would be nothing short of two miracles, and I do not see that remotely possible. I will have mom for a companion- that is good enough for me.... at least for this stage of the game of Life. I have learned that situations change, and nothing is set in stone- as things do change, go in 360 degree opposite directions.... "in the blink of an eye".

A Big HUG to everyone.
Much LOVE,
Vicki
Bad Ass WIFE
Hubs: CRC IVA,T3, N0, M1A
Resect/LN Mets 10/12
Folfox4/Avastin 11/12-5/13
Folfiri/Erbitux 6/13-10/13
Stivarga 12/13-4/14
Trial 4/14-/14
Trial 8/14-11/14
HOME Hospice 11/17/14
Guardian Angel 1/1/15
Cost of HOPE? PRICELESS

Willobie
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Willobie » Mon Jul 27, 2015 9:51 am

It's been a while since I've posted. First of all, sending all sorts of well wishes to Helen for her upcoming surgery!!!

Vicki, I experience the same as you in that the big emotions hit at the most unexpected of times. I about lost it the first time I went to the butcher store where we always went together. This was my first time I was there by myself and upon entering I felt an intense loss hit me. I had to leave for a few minutes to compose myself. I wasn't expecting that sort of reaction to going to our favorite butcher shop. Another trigger I've found is watching TV shows where someone dies or where someone is missing a person from their past. Those get to me every time lately.

Yes, I'm lonely, sometimes profoundly so. My constant companion is my dog and believe me I'm grateful he's with me. Perhaps my biggest struggle at this time is what I call a low grade depression in that it takes a lot of energy to get things done. They get done but often times days or weeks later or I tell myself 10x/day do this now, do this now and get it done, and then I sit and avoid doing anything. It took me months to put in an ad for some furniture I wanted to sell. I couldn't say why it took so long but I kept avoiding doing anything to get it sold. Just these past weeks I've been able to get some ads out and get some items sold. However, that said, I've managed to go on a weekend trip with a friend and later I'm taking a 10 day trip by myself to take some weaving classes so I'm not a total slug. I just hope I manage to get my clothes and meds packed correctly and stop being so distracted. I tend to wake up very early and then take a nap mid-afternoon.

I've been attending a group run by hospice for those who have lost loved ones. It's helpful to talk but also painful. I had 40 years of wonderful companionship with my Joe but the most persistent memories are of the last months and weeks and days. I found out that's very common but I do so want to get past those memories. It's been six months since he died and the world keeps turning and I wish he were here so I could tell him what I've been up to. I miss sharing my life experiences with him very much.

The journey between Joe's diagnosis and death was so rapid. Diagnosed in August and passed the following January, just barely 5 months. We were told that life expectancy for people in his condition and age was 6-12 months without treatment but that treatment could add another couple of years. I'm angry the chemo did nothing good for him but make him progressively weaker with each treatment. I don't know if that would have been the case even without the treatments but I think he would have had a better quality of life without chemo. When he quit the treatments, ostensibly for a break, we hoped for a bump in regaining some strength but it was not to be. I was told that it took 5 weeks to clear the body of chemo and he didn't even last that long. So I guess I have a lot of anger at cancer and the treatments that proved to not be at all helpful.

I'm very thankful for some wonderful, caring friends who check in with me often and arrange times to be together. It does help cut the loneliness and it feels good to plan things we'll do together. It's a tough road, much tougher than I thought it would be. But it's still early days and I trust I'll eventually find my get up and go and my new direction in life. Right now I feel adrift.


tc
Husband dx colon stage 4, Aug 2014
8/14 Surgery to remove tumor
9/14 Five rounds of FOLFAX w Avistan, 5FU
1/3/2015 RIP

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exaussie
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby exaussie » Mon Jul 27, 2015 10:43 am

It's been tough these weeks this time last year we were in the hospital hearing bad news every single day.
I was driving into town (we live in a small town) and I saw a friend walking down the street with her 22 year old son, they were talking and just being normal. I fell apart and barely made it to a meeting. I still haven't looked at videos of my son of the last few years. I can picture him little and playing and I can watch those but the ones of him as a man, nope...
We are leaving on a trip to see my parents- my father has had complications after surgery he will be 80 in sept. My mom is well into dementia so I don't know if she will even know me at all. She had early onset of this at age 65. After seeing them for 2 weeks (they live in Australia) we will go be with dear friends for ten days, the one year mark of my sons death will be in that week, so I hope it will soften the blow a little being with them.
DS 26 yrs old diagnosed 6/13 T3N2aM1b
Resection 6/13
6 rounds chemo folfax
12/13 Fissure
hernia surgery 12/13
5 months break
Maintenance chemo 3/14
Crazy growth. Liver failing. Folfox and vectibex 7-29-14
Chemo failure Hospice 8/26
Left us 8/28

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Kathleen808
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Location: Hawaii

Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Kathleen808 » Sat Aug 01, 2015 3:18 am

Helen,
I just read this and hope everything went well today with the surgery. I will be looking for an update when you are able. Sending you a hug and lots of love. I am so sorry that your precious Pam is not here to help you through all of this. I know she loved you very much and would be there for you like you were for her.

Aloha
Kathleen
Kathleen
DH 1/09 3c 51yr rsct
Folfx 3/09
1 l nd 9/09 Flfri Avstn
PET clr 6/10
Folfri Avstn 7/10
ND 10/10
1/11 lng mets Flfri Avastn
ND 2/12
9/12 Flfri Avastn
10/12 grwth lng mts Erbtx Avstn Irintcn
1/13 stabl
9/13 grwth
8/16/14 passed into eternal peace

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trapbear
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Facebook Username: bill manning

Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby trapbear » Sun Aug 02, 2015 12:13 am

Helen
I hope you are out of surgery and doing well. Please let us know when you are able. Sending you love and hugs. Pam will always be with you.
Bill
Husband Dx with Stage 3 CC in Dec 07
Xelox Jan-July 08
Lung mets Jan 09
Folfiri plus Avastin Mar-May 10
5FU plus Avastin May 10-current
2 liver mets March 13, continue 5 FU & Avastin
liver RFA Oct 13, hospice June 14, at peace Sept 2, 2014

Sams wife
Posts: 749
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Sams wife » Sun Aug 02, 2015 1:47 am

trapbear wrote:Helen
I hope you are out of surgery and doing well.
Bill


Me too
Husband dx 1/13/15 St.2 CEA 7.1
Chemo/25rad 2/15 till 4/24/15
5FU/leucovorin
Surgery 6/8/2015 Stage IIa T3N0MX microscopic cancer left
Watching 4 lung spots
0/5 lymph nodes. Lap. APR
25% less 5FU/leucovorin 7/14/2015 x 26 CEA 3.4
25% more 5fu 9/2015
9/16/15 CEA 7.7
1/16/16 @ 9.2 during allergy?
3/16 New lung spot 4x4 mm
6/16 CEA 6.9 spot 5x5

SMR
Posts: 631
Joined: Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:20 pm

Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby SMR » Sun Aug 02, 2015 7:15 am

I read on Helen's FB page that the surgery went well. She had six inches of colon removed, and pathology should be in early this coming week. I know we all will keep her in our thoughts. Hopefully she will feel up to posting an update for us too.
DH DX 10/11 st IV unkown prmry
FFOX 12/11
HIPEC 3/12
FFOX 5/12
7/12 FFIRI
12/12 xeloda
1/13 resection
2/13 FFIRI
4/13 5FU/Avastin
9/13 recurrence, failed surgery
Abdominal fistula
11/13 gemzar, heart attack
12/13 Carbo
2/14 Radiation
3/28/2014 passed

Val*pal
Posts: 860
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2013 1:24 pm
Facebook Username: Valerie Barkus Kantner
Location: Metro Detroit, Michigan

Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Val*pal » Sun Aug 02, 2015 9:00 am

Helen, I'm so glad to hear that your surgery went well!

You have a whole band of us rooting for you! Please let us know how you are once you are able.

(((Hugs)))
DH dx'ed May '11, age 62
Jul '11: resection Stage IV
10/11: 6 mo Folfox
8/12:thyr canc, surg/tx
2/13: peri mets
2/13: Firi/Avas
6/13: Ok
8/13: break
10/13: Lung, peri, mets
10/13: Firi/Erb
1/14: Erb Fail; spread
5/14: Tx stopped
6/20/14: At rest

pfCml73183
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Facebook Username: Celeste Marie Comeau
Location: FL

Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby pfCml73183 » Tue Aug 04, 2015 1:34 pm

Hi Everyone. I was checking in for a visit.
Thinking of you Helen and hope you are getting some rest. I wonder how you do it. You are an amazing person. You were fighting cancer yourself while caring for your spouse. How crazy is that?
What would have been our 32nd wedding anniversary was the 31st of July. We started dating the summer before highschool. That was a tough one. I took Pete's ashes RVing with me for the weekend up in northern NH. I was fine with it until Sunday night. Then I fell apart.
I am not sleeping or eating well. His 55th birthday would have been on June 28th and his 3 months away from me is the 8th of August.
Accepting his passing does not seem to be happening. Like you Val*Pal, I keep asking Pete, where are you? I want to call/talk to him about things I need to know all the time.
I am happy that I had as much time with him as I did to prepare for this lonely time. I can't imagine loosing Pete any faster than I did.
Does anyone question all the chooses you and your loved ones made during this tragic time?
Wife and BF to Peter, 54
mCRC/IV/BRAF+
Erbitux and Urelumab trial @MSKCC 3/15
went home 5/8/15

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bitchslapped
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby bitchslapped » Sun Oct 11, 2015 4:28 pm

Hi All, Ya'll...Do I sound like Paula Dean?! It's been awhile since anyone has posted on here. It reminds me of a "Dear Diary" thread.

So here goes:

Dear Diary,
Grief is always there, softens w/time; lots & lots of time. How much can one talk about it really? Others move on, we try/need to move on.

Watching my DSS die of cancer for 7 months, knowing it was a runaway train that nothing could stop, I was also reliving what my DH went through all over again. I sank into a world of my own personal darkness. Ignored everything else around me that needed doing regarding the house, yard, paperwork, you name it. Nothing else mattered. It has now been 7 months since his passing. Seems like last month. Four months after he passed in Feb, I woke up in June realizing that I had no choice but to "snap out of it" & take care of the things left undone. And it was a lot. Still not caught up. Had to renovate front & back lawns, trim trees, shrubs, flowerbeds, powerwash, endless paperwork, the list goes on. Yet, I find myself digressing for days @ a time still.

I don't question choices. It won't change anything so I don't go there. We do the best we can do @ the time w/what we know. Anything more is pouring salt in the wounds. I liken it to asking "why?" No answers to be found there either. Those that find themselves on Colon Talk @ dx are probably best positioned for long-term benefit, yet in my DSS's case, that was not to be. His cancer was too aggressive, unresponsive.

My heartfelt sympathies go out to all of you still. It is far from over.

Hope to see some updates here.

Still feeling...
Bitchslapped
DSS,35YO,unresect mCRC DX 7/'14,lvr,LN,peri,rib
FOLFOX+Avstn 4 Rnds d/c 10/'14
Stent 9/'14
FOLFIRI+Avstn 10/'14
Gone From My Sight 2/20/15
Me:garden variety polyps + precancerous polyp
Carergver x2 DH,DM dbl occupancy,'03-'10
DH dx 47YO mCRC,'04-'07 fried x HAI
DM dx CC 85YO,CC,CHF,stroke,dementia,aphasia

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Kathleen808
Posts: 1761
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Location: Hawaii

Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby Kathleen808 » Mon Oct 12, 2015 2:13 am

BS,
Feeling it with you and for you. Know that there are others "out there" who understand. It is never exactly the same but I do send hope that your days are less grief filled. I don't know how that comes to being but I just want it to be so for you, me and everyone else.

Aloha,
Kathleen
Kathleen
DH 1/09 3c 51yr rsct
Folfx 3/09
1 l nd 9/09 Flfri Avstn
PET clr 6/10
Folfri Avstn 7/10
ND 10/10
1/11 lng mets Flfri Avastn
ND 2/12
9/12 Flfri Avastn
10/12 grwth lng mts Erbtx Avstn Irintcn
1/13 stabl
9/13 grwth
8/16/14 passed into eternal peace

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exaussie
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Location: Silverton OR
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Re: NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

Postby exaussie » Mon Oct 12, 2015 10:26 am

HI all. Still on one day at a time. My son has been gone 14 months, the exact length of his cancer journey.
I am thankful I have some friends who reach out to me, I never seem to have the energy to reach out to anyone.
Still have bad days, my daughters are having some really bad ones lately. We are making a memorial lunch on Sunday and its bringing it all back.
I went to visit my parents in australia in august, couldn't be home that month, now my mom no longer knows who I am. She has had dementia for at least 10 yrs. I really just want to talk to her about her grandson she loved dearly but I cant.
Hope all of you have more good days than bad
DS 26 yrs old diagnosed 6/13 T3N2aM1b
Resection 6/13
6 rounds chemo folfax
12/13 Fissure
hernia surgery 12/13
5 months break
Maintenance chemo 3/14
Crazy growth. Liver failing. Folfox and vectibex 7-29-14
Chemo failure Hospice 8/26
Left us 8/28


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